Okay so there's this word that is eight letters long. It starts with an "r" and ends with a "y". I have commitment issues, so I'm not saying that's what I'm doing. I will however say that I have made productive progress, and am working towards it. The idea of the "r" word has become much more alluring and desirable. It seems tangible now, almost within reach. It isn't currently a goal, but it's something I see for myself in the not too distant future.
I've noticed that my mindset has changed- immensely- for the better. I used to use b/p'ing as a coping mechanism for everything that I couldn't control around me. It was my way to numb out and desensitize myself. It was the only way that I could make sure that no one could truly hurt me, more than I was hurting myself. It helped solidify and strengthen the wall I built up as a kid, because people always attacked, but never helped. I think I have managed to abolish the emotional correlation that b/p'ing has. I'm not saying I don't miss feeling numb- because I do- only that I no longer feel the need to b/p to alleviate emotions I've always repressed. It sucks. I have cried and yelled and screamed so much lately- more so than I've ever done in the past four years. It's so emotionally taxing, but it's a start. I'm feeling emotions, and allowing myself to continue feeling them. I guess I've learned to tell myself, "It's okay to feel."
Also, the frequency of my b/p'ing has decreased substantially. I went from b/p'ing every day multiple times a day to once a day. Then, I went one day without purging. Then two days, then three, and four, and five! This week, I have managed to only purge once. Yesterday I ate breakfast and dinner and even had a snack in between. Today, I did the same. Also, I haven't even weighed myself in about a week. Guess what? I don't even care. Sure it slightly bothers me not knowing where I'm at weight-wise, but it's not driving me bat shit crazy. I've become okay with only weighing once a week. Also, despite all the bullshit going on around me, I haven't let it trigger me or ruin any productive progress I have made.
Thanks for reading- just wanted to share!