Okay so there's this word that is eight letters long. It starts with an "r" and ends with a "y". I have commitment issues, so I'm not saying that's what I'm doing. I will however say that I have made productive progress, and am working towards it. The idea of the "r" word has become much more alluring and desirable. It seems tangible now, almost within reach. It isn't currently a goal, but it's something I see for myself in the not too distant future.
I've noticed that my mindset has changed- immensely- for the better. I used to use b/p'ing as a coping mechanism for everything that I couldn't control around me. It was my way to numb out and desensitize myself. It was the only way that I could make sure that no one could truly hurt me, more than I was hurting myself. It helped solidify and strengthen the wall I built up as a kid, because people always attacked, but never helped. I think I have managed to abolish the emotional correlation that b/p'ing has. I'm not saying I don't miss feeling numb- because I do- only that I no longer feel the need to b/p to alleviate emotions I've always repressed. It sucks. I have cried and yelled and screamed so much lately- more so than I've ever done in the past four years. It's so emotionally taxing, but it's a start. I'm feeling emotions, and allowing myself to continue feeling them. I guess I've learned to tell myself, "It's okay to feel."
Also, the frequency of my b/p'ing has decreased substantially. I went from b/p'ing every day multiple times a day to once a day. Then, I went one day without purging. Then two days, then three, and four, and five! This week, I have managed to only purge once. Yesterday I ate breakfast and dinner and even had a snack in between. Today, I did the same. Also, I haven't even weighed myself in about a week. Guess what? I don't even care. Sure it slightly bothers me not knowing where I'm at weight-wise, but it's not driving me bat shit crazy. I've become okay with only weighing once a week. Also, despite all the bullshit going on around me, I haven't let it trigger me or ruin any productive progress I have made.
Thanks for reading- just wanted to share!
Girl I am so proud of you💖 I've been in treatment for several weeks now, and I can totally relate to crying more than I have in years. At first I wasn't b/ping because I was being monitored and literally couldn't, and it was soooo frustrating having to find new ways to deal with all these emotions because b/p had become my only coping skill. Now I'm at the point where my immediate reaction to anything negative isn't "I need to purge now". I even was in a situation last week where I could have purged with no one finding out but I didn't, and a few months ago that never would have happened. Not to say it's easy or the urges just go away, sometimes at night it's literally all I can think about. But with time it gets so much easier. You're super smart and insightful and that will get you so far in recovery. I'm here for you all the way if you ever need someone to talk to.
It's probably worth mentioning that the residential I'm in right now is a total fucking joke, so don't feel like being at a treatment center is the only way to recover. You have the motivation to do this and I so believe that you will succeed. That being said, you don't have to do this alone, I would recommend finding a therapist or counselor that you can talk to about what you're going through especially one who knows their stuff when it comes to EDs.
Best of luck, whatever happens you will get through this and come out stronger. All the hugs to you ❤❤❤