I am an 'adult', but I can't look after myself.
My job is soulless and depressing, but I ask for all the work I'm physically able, because it's the only time I can keep myself out of trouble.
I work 60 hour weeks and am paid accordingly so shouldn't be poor, but ALL the money I make goes on junk food, alcohol and occasional shopping binges of makeup products etc that I will rarely/never use. I quite often can't afford my rent/bills because of this. My clothes and shoes all have holes in them and are falling apart, I couldn't send a birthday card today because I couldn't afford a stamp.
My bedroom would make Tracey Emin's look immaculate.
I'm incapable of doing large shops/ 'planning' food for the week etc. It all gets eaten at once.
I have no drive, ambition, hobbies any more, just the never ceasing compulsion to CONSUME.
I have had my teeth entirely reworked twice (three times?) from purge damage. I feel like my skin is falling apart. My vagina is cobwebs, my sex drive diminished to a stain of something long since gone that still lurks around just enough to mock me.
I've tried CBT... if you can even call what I did trying. The process frustrated me and I didn't go back after a couple of sessions of the therapist asking me about my childhood and upbringing... which I feel has nothing to do with it. The problem is ME, it's how I'm wired, it's in my biology, my brain is wired wrong, I'm defective... Nothing to do with anyone else. I feel like I can't even be fixed.
I don't feel like the doctors take it seriously. I'm such a shopping list of problems I don't know which one to even address first when I go to discuss 'help'. I feel like I must come across as a bumbling timewaster, or a hypochondriac. I wish I knew what to ask for.
I told my parents once, after many years of silence. They were suitably horrified, and emphatically supportive during the week or so that it remained a hot topic. I assume that they think I'm 'better' now, because none of us have talked about it since. That was two years ago.
It's been a long, long time since it all begun. I feel old, and childish, and rotting.
I don't know what to do. Of course I don't know that anyone here does either, but if anyone knows anything that helps from this state of not even deserving the space I take up, please say. I'll try anything.
If I can't find a way out of this mess, I think I need to be locked away or put down. I consume, I decay and I contribute nothing.