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I need help and I don't know what to do


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#1 cinta

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Posted 10 January 2017 - 01:17 PM

I am an 'adult', but I can't look after myself.

 

My job is soulless and depressing, but I ask for all the work I'm physically able, because it's the only time I can keep myself out of trouble.

 

I work 60 hour weeks and am paid accordingly so shouldn't be poor, but ALL the money I make goes on junk food, alcohol and occasional shopping binges of makeup products etc that I will rarely/never use. I quite often can't afford my rent/bills because of this. My clothes and shoes all have holes in them and are falling apart, I couldn't send a birthday card today because I couldn't afford a stamp.

 

My bedroom would make Tracey Emin's look immaculate. 

 

I'm incapable of doing large shops/ 'planning' food for the week etc. It all gets eaten at once.

 

I have no drive, ambition, hobbies any more, just the never ceasing compulsion to CONSUME.

 

I have had my teeth entirely reworked twice (three times?) from purge damage. I feel like my skin is falling apart. My vagina is cobwebs, my sex drive diminished to a stain of something long since gone that still lurks around just enough to mock me.

 

I've tried CBT... if you can even call what I did trying. The process frustrated me and I didn't go back after a couple of sessions of the therapist asking me about my childhood and upbringing... which I feel has nothing to do with it. The problem is ME, it's how I'm wired, it's in my biology, my brain is wired wrong, I'm defective... Nothing to do with anyone else. I feel like I can't even be fixed.

 

I don't feel like the doctors take it seriously. I'm such a shopping list of problems I don't know which one to even address first when I go to discuss 'help'. I feel like I must come across as a bumbling timewaster, or a hypochondriac. I wish I knew what to ask for.

 

I told my parents once, after many years of silence. They were suitably horrified, and emphatically supportive during the week or so that it remained a hot topic. I assume that they think I'm 'better' now, because none of us have talked about it since. That was two years ago.

 

It's been a long, long time since it all begun. I feel old, and childish, and rotting. 

 

I don't know what to do. Of course I don't know that anyone here does either, but if anyone knows anything that helps from this state of not even deserving the space I take up, please say. I'll try anything.

 

If I can't find a way out of this mess, I think I need to be locked away or put down. I consume, I decay and I contribute nothing. 


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n o t . a . v i c t i m

 

This is the way the world ends

Not with a bang but a whimper.


#2 288to108

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Posted 10 January 2017 - 01:21 PM

Let me just say that you're very articulate.
And now, it's Advice Time™
I'd say talk to someone, anyone. I have a workbook called DBT skills for bulimia that has helped me. I still bp of course but it helped me understand why. Maybe you need to find out why you have bulimia and then start on reducing the feeling of need.
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#3 dyingwillow

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Posted 10 January 2017 - 02:41 PM

Jeez thats more than relateable on so many levels.

 

All i can say to you is try to engage with another therapist and i agree with above poster that DBT could be of great benefit. I guess like any therapy you get out what you put in.

Despite what you have written theres also a want to change things, well at least thats what i can pick up on. Put yourself out there and maybe try some new things, even if its 1 or 2 different experiences a month. You never know where you might find a passion, or great group of people. Its easy to dwell on what was, or what should be, at the end of the day its a bit like playing a game of chess with yourself!

 

I dont have much else to add, but know your not alone in how you feel. But only YOU have the power to change things...one small step at a time.


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#4 Jess0822

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Posted 10 January 2017 - 02:48 PM

I get the feeling like you're a shopping list of problems. I feel the same way. As far as what to address first in therapy? Think about what issue is or has had the biggest impact on your quality of life. Or, what is bothering you the most. If it's not your childhood, tell the therapist what you would like to address instead. You do have some control of therapy sessions despite how it may feel. I will write down things that I want to discuss. If the therapist won't listen then it's time to move on. You deserve help no matter how old you are or if you feel discouraged.
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#5 cinta

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Posted 10 January 2017 - 07:24 PM

I thought this hadn't posted... I was somewhat relieved! But it did. Aaaanyway.

 

Thanks for suggesting DBT I hadn't heard of that, might have to ask about it.

 

To be honest the idea of talking about my issues in general makes me anxious to the point of tears. I am so afraid that the things I say are not the things I want to say. I lose myself when I walk into an office and the things I needed and planned to express just evaporate. Suddenly I'm just a stranger inhabiting the doctor's space, and feel the need to be polite and concise and not waste their time. I feel their eyes and sense every rearrangement of hair or glance at the clock, and start to wonder who else they've seen that day, if my problems seem irrelevant in comparison, if they're more concerned about getting home to feed their fish than listen to me be frustratingly uncertain about basically everything.

 

What I really need is the means to invite someone into my own space, to crawl into my mind Being John Malkovich style.

 

Sometimes I think I'd really benefit from art therapy. I'd likely not feel the same anxiety about expressing myself and it would allow me to reconnect with a passion that's been lost along the way.


n o t . a . v i c t i m

 

This is the way the world ends

Not with a bang but a whimper.


#6 dyingwillow

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Posted 10 January 2017 - 07:38 PM

Have you considered writting things down and maybe presenting them on paper to your therapist? Even if its just bullet points where you can choose to discuss in further detail. Ive had occasions where ive written a few pages and given to my therapist, it can be helpful for both parties. Things are often clearer to me on paper.

 

If your interested in art therapy see whats available, it may just be the tool to set you on the right track.

 

Ive often wondered about equine therapy, would be a good experience.


 

 

 

                                                                                 


#7 Jess0822

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Posted 11 January 2017 - 03:33 PM

I thought this hadn't posted... I was somewhat relieved! But it did. Aaaanyway.

Thanks for suggesting DBT I hadn't heard of that, might have to ask about it.

To be honest the idea of talking about my issues in general makes me anxious to the point of tears. I am so afraid that the things I say are not the things I want to say. I lose myself when I walk into an office and the things I needed and planned to express just evaporate. Suddenly I'm just a stranger inhabiting the doctor's space, and feel the need to be polite and concise and not waste their time. I feel their eyes and sense every rearrangement of hair or glance at the clock, and start to wonder who else they've seen that day, if my problems seem irrelevant in comparison, if they're more concerned about getting home to feed their fish than listen to me be frustratingly uncertain about basically everything.

What I really need is the means to invite someone into my own space, to crawl into my mind Being John Malkovich style.

Sometimes I think I'd really benefit from art therapy. I'd likely not feel the same anxiety about expressing myself and it would allow me to reconnect with a passion that's been lost along the way.

Keep in mind that a good therapist will be able to ask the right questions and lead you in the right direction. You don't have to have your thoughts in some perfect order to present to the therapist. Just write down a couple things to discuss so you don't forget what they were once you walk in. Don't worry that your thoughts and issues aren't good enough because they are.

#8 taco_and_420

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Posted 11 January 2017 - 04:57 PM

Are you depressed overall? I get depressed and feel that way and nothing makes it better, not even b/p 

 

Depression is a tough bitch to beat and I can't provide tips for that (wish I could). Def get help for it. 

The only way out (for me) is to find something that makes me not want to be depressed. I am a workaholic so usually I'll get on a big project at work, throw myself into that and things start to get a bit better. 

 

 

 

When I am not depressed I can "fit" my ED into my life. B/P almost becomes just one of my hobbies.....I'll plan for it like you'd plan for a night out.  I usually can keep it to once or twice a week. 

 

However I do totally obsess over calories/measurements/weight etc....But my parents had me counting calories and keeping a food log and going to weight watchers meetings when I was 10 so...... That's always been a part of life as long as I can remember.   



#9 Ro10

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Posted 11 January 2017 - 05:28 PM

 

 

I have had my teeth entirely reworked twice (three times?) from purge damage. I feel like my skin is falling apart. My vagina is cobwebs, my sex drive diminished to a stain of something long since gone that still lurks around just enough to mock me.

 

 

 

i love "my vagina is cobwebs" dude i feel you

 

i would love to know what helps too because god i am in the same position (not just re vagina cobwebs to clarify)


“The trouble was, I had been inadequate all along, I simply hadn't thought about it.” 
 
“I didn't know why I was going to cry, but I knew that if anybody spoke to me or looked at me too closely the tears would fly out of my eyes and the sobs would fly out of the throat and I'd cry for a week.” 
&nbsp;<p>―&nbsp;Sylvia Plath,&nbsp;The Bell Jar

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