I am truly struggling, and looking for hep from the BED community.
I have been binge eating every day for 5 weeks. Everyday I gorge myself, eating way more than I need.
I've put together a list of everything I know about my binge cycle:
1. I usually binge at dinner (6pm), or/and after dinner (8-10pm)
2. I binge on whatever I can find. I have no problem cooking for an hour, so I can have a meal I can eat till I'm stuffed.
3. I eat normal sized healthy meals throughout the day. I have actually stopped counting calories, I just want the binges to stop.
4. I drink at least a liter of water a day.
5. I haven't been exercising.
6. most of my binges don't start from eating a certain food. (for example, at a party I could eat a slice of cake and be fine if It's during the day.)
1. I have the mindset of "I just want to be thin, why can't I stop eating, I wish I could just lose weight." It's like I know I have the strength to stop, but when I don't- I keep asking myself "why? why? why?" I try not to doubt myself, but come on.. after 5 weeks? how could I not doubt myself.
2. I feel horrible after every binge, but I'm starting to feel used to it.
3. I've been doing it for so long that I don't even want to binge, but just do it out of habit, I'm not hungry or starved, just stuck in a horrible cycle.
4. I destroy myself after every binge. Saying "its okay, it happens" after every fucking night made me hate myself more. I can't just brush it off like that. Maybe if I binged a couple times a month, but for 5 weeks straight??
5. I am very eager to quit this cycle/ lose weight/ restrict, but I feel as though everything I went over in the day (thoughts like "I've got this, I will lose weight, I don't need to eat, I'm gonna make progress today, I'm quiting this binge cycle".. ect. ect.) I forget all those thoughts, my brain just turns off and I eat an unhealthy meal, then a snack, then more and more.
6. All of my binges are impulsive. I could be doing great, feeling positive, not hungry at all then next thing I know, I'm in the kitchen getting Ice cream.
7. I regularly come up with coping techniques to try and avoid binges when I am not having the urges. but I forget all of it once the thought of binging comes into my head.
I truly hate myself for what I'm doing my body. I've gained 4.6 pounds, and I feel so powerless. I don't feel in control at all. I have been trying to break this cycle since the very first day, but I haven't made any progress. I feel helpless. "just stop" isn't welcome, I feel trapped and addicted to eating. Every day that passes tightens my cuffs and its getting harder and harder to control, or break free.
My dilemma is that in 63 days I leave to Japan, and my goal is to be 115 pounds. I need to lose 19 pounds before I go. If I keep binging it won't happen. It gives me so much anxiety, and stress, I have to stop binging now. I can't do this anymore.
If you have anything that might help, please let me know, I'm desperate!
Thank you for visiting my post!