I'm Schizz, Dutch guy, mid-20s. I know about this site for quite some time, and I finally decided to join.
I could say I'm a bit obsessed with thinness. I've always been rather thin, up to the point it cannot be missed by anyone really, and hell, I love it. Deep down I've always wanted to push it further into something more extreme though. Already a year or two ago, when my weight had dropped to a new low of 57 kg at 1,90 m (126 Ibs at 6'3), I finally decided to pick it up and managed to lose a bit more until I weighed 55 kg (121 Ibs). It was extremely rewarding. It gave me a rush. It felt great. But soon after, I stopped, thinking it's ridiculous. It's like ''common sense'' suddenly took over again, one could say.
It's going like this for years already. It may be important to note that, strange enough, it seems like it's primarily a matter of sexual arousal for me. I get aroused by the thought of losing weight and getting thinner. It brings me into an entirely different thinking state in which I lose common sense and can get myself fully determined to go for it at last, to start losing weight until I'm as freakishly skinny as I dream of. But then, in an eyeblink, I could change my mind again, which happens as soon as my level of sexual arousal has decreased again, after I jerked off, for example. It can go multiple times a day up and down this way. At times, I can be into an ongoing state of arousal for a couple days on end and masturbate on thinspo for hours, but soon, it will be over again, and I'll look back on it all as being totally ridiculous, or sometimes even feel disgusted by my behavior.
The point is, I'm tired of this ongoing inner conflict. I find it a rather embarrassing story as well, but I felt like I wanted to share with you guys now anyway and get to know what you guys think about it. Could someone maybe even relate to it in some way?