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So, why do I do this, what has my life become and what is the actual point of existing?


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#1 Thyalie

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Posted 20 April 2017 - 10:16 PM

Sorry for that stupid title, I just don't know what to call this shit. This might get long and weird, but I still hope someone cares to read it. I don't even know if this is the right place for posting it, because its not solely about my ED, but kind of about everything. Feel free to move it somewhere else if it doesn't fit in here. I just needed to write this down and maybe there is someone who somehow feels like telling me something that makes me feel better or has some advice or can relate or whatever.

 

Once upon a time I promised to myself I'll never again go below 47 kg...well thats where I am now, somewhere between 47 and 48, but my health is going down. I've maintained for a few weeks now and I somehow managed to reduce my hairloss, but as for the rest I feel pretty shitty. I high restrict to 1000 cals a day and have at least one binge a week whenever I visit my mum, because she buys all my favorite foods and well, once I start I can't stop until I feel like my stomach will explode at any moment and the pain becomes unbearable. She likes to see me eat and constantly tells me that I'm too thin and I don't want to make her worry even more. However during the last 1 1/2 months I managed to stop myself from purging (at least from vomitting...I took lax two times, because I couldn't stand the bloat after binging), my teeth are still hurting everytime I eat something sour and I guess they won't ever stop. During the last week I've binged more and send myself to sleep with alcohol two times, which made me feel even shittier the next day. I did not dare to weight myself since then.

On Wednesday I had to run to catch my train and I nearly fainted and my legs felt like I've run a marathon, but actually its been a little way plus about 10 stairs. Even the most overweight person I know could deal with this better. I can't concentrate, I can't sleep (but my insomnia mostly isn't caused by the ED, I always had trouble sleeping thanks to my brain that won't ever shut up), my depression is getting worse, BPD fucked up all the little social contacts I had, people hate me and honestly, I gave them reasons enough to do that, I can't blame them. I can't find a job, because of all this, who would hire someone like me? I've got scars everywhere, including my hands and I can't hide everything, I look fucked and tired and sick. I've been on and off this ED shit and I never stopped self-harming for more than a month since I was 12...I'm 26 now.

I never wanted to be beautiful, I hate people looking at me, I don't want a relationship or something, in fact I'm scared that anyone could still find me (sexually) attractive. So why do I keep doing this, why can't I deal with the number on the scale going up, if I don't care for looks? I don't know, but it always feels like I'm giving up the little control I have over my life when this happens. I don't want the number to go up, I don't want it to go lower and yet I can only either binge or restrict. I somehow can't just eat my TDEE for now.

I have no idea what I actually live for, I have nothing to achieve, nothing that keeps me going, except for my fear of a painful death and the fact that my therapist made me promise to not kill myself/make any suicide attempts (doing so would lead to me being kicked from my DBT-Therapy group and while the therapy doesn't help me a lot, its at least a place where I see people dealing with similar shit in real life and I have to go out to go there once a week). I also have individual therapy, but I'm not exactly good at talking about my thoughts and feelings. Once I start everything sounds stupid and less bad than I actually feel.

My family and the only friend I have left basicly keep telling me that I don't have to lose weight to look good and somehow I can't get them to understand that I don't strive for beauty. I like my baggy clothes and try to hide my body as much as possible.

I don't feel like an adult, I'm way too helpless for that and the way I deal with life and my emotions basicly feels childish and dumb and unreasonable.


  • Kianga likes this

And they went so fast that at last they seemed to skim through the air, hardly touching the ground with their feet, till suddenly, just as Alice was getting quite exhausted, they stopped, and she found herself sitting on the ground, breathless and giddy. The Queen propped her up against a tree, and said kindly, 'You may rest a little now.'

Alice looked round her in great surprise. 'Why, I do believe we've been under this tree the whole time! Everything's just as it was!'

'Of course it is,' said the Queen, 'what would you have it?'

'Well, in OUR country,' said Alice, still panting a little, 'you'd generally get to somewhere else - if you ran very fast for a long time, as we've been doing.'

'A slow sort of country!' said the Queen. 'Now, HERE, you see, it takes all the running YOU can do, to keep in the same place. If you want to get somewhere else, you must run at least twice as fast as that!'

 

✿(Lewis Carroll - Through the Looking-Glass)✿

 

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AFj0o.gif

 

 


#2 musiccoffeeandbooks

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Posted 21 April 2017 - 03:33 AM

Oh god, I'm so sorry that's happening. I think the reason you're still restricting is bc you feel the need to have control over your life. But you can't, so you control how you eat. That's how it was in my case for a couple months.
But what you're going through right now, although it may not seem like it, is fixable. I won't lie and tell you 'it gets better over time' bc that's not how it works. Reach out to someone you trust- a parent, a sibling, a friend, a cousin, your therapist, whoever. Tell them what you just wrote here in a context you like, explain to them how you feel and that you need their support and understanding. If they mean a lot to you, I'm pretty sure it'll help.
Now, for your physical health, please try and not rely on restricting calories for control. Bc, believe me, you're not controlling it, it's controlling YOU. If you still feel out of hand, try vegetarianism or veganism; you still have control over what you eat.
And I strongly recommend you tell your therapist about this. They are professionals in this, and they can give you the correct advice for you. They can tell you what's really going on. And your physical health; it's deteriorating. You don't like feeling out of breath from a simple walk, don't you? And your ED thoughts could also be keeping you up at night. You'll be a lot better off recovered.
And self harm? Let me tell you, as someone who is almost done with recovery from it, is that you don't need it. If you ever feel like cutting, distract yourself; go for a run (if you ate enough that is), take a nice relaxing shower, go to the mall or Starbucks or wherever you like. And definitely call a trusted friend or family member, which works like a charm.
But don't be too sure around my advice, I'm not a professional and I don't personally know you. But what I know will work is reaching out, about your ED, your self harm struggles, everything- because people DO care. You're not alone, and you don't deserve to go through this misery. Stay strong, kay?

Sent from my GT-I9500 using Tapatalk
  • Thyalie likes this

#3 Vader

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Posted 21 April 2017 - 06:24 AM

Hi,
You know you need help, and I fully support what the previous poster wrote. You have people who care, they may not understand but they care.
Open up like you just have to us.
Regarding work- I have obvious self harm marks on my arms from years ago and I've managed to always have employment (paediatric health care) so it doesn't have to hold you back. Yes you get the odd look etc but self harm is sadly not uncommon.
Please just do it. I've got 10 years on you and you do not want to be in my shoes in ten years wishing you had gone for help but putting it off.
Big hugs to you, be brave.xx
  • Thyalie likes this
Cw 43.1
Gw 42.6
Ugw 41.8 - BMI 14.99.

#4 Thyalie

Thyalie

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Posted 21 April 2017 - 12:23 PM

Thank you, it always helps to know there are people who understand and you guys make me feel less alone in this. Thats what I love mpa for.


And they went so fast that at last they seemed to skim through the air, hardly touching the ground with their feet, till suddenly, just as Alice was getting quite exhausted, they stopped, and she found herself sitting on the ground, breathless and giddy. The Queen propped her up against a tree, and said kindly, 'You may rest a little now.'

Alice looked round her in great surprise. 'Why, I do believe we've been under this tree the whole time! Everything's just as it was!'

'Of course it is,' said the Queen, 'what would you have it?'

'Well, in OUR country,' said Alice, still panting a little, 'you'd generally get to somewhere else - if you ran very fast for a long time, as we've been doing.'

'A slow sort of country!' said the Queen. 'Now, HERE, you see, it takes all the running YOU can do, to keep in the same place. If you want to get somewhere else, you must run at least twice as fast as that!'

 

✿(Lewis Carroll - Through the Looking-Glass)✿

 

fERgN.gifyN6MY.gifLd6bq.gifjhrWj.gifUFMa9.gifmzfsN.gifsEBfq.gif

 

YvDMK.gif    UsaSV.gif    1nxrR.gif

 

AFj0o.gif

 

 



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