Sorry for that stupid title, I just don't know what to call this shit. This might get long and weird, but I still hope someone cares to read it. I don't even know if this is the right place for posting it, because its not solely about my ED, but kind of about everything. Feel free to move it somewhere else if it doesn't fit in here. I just needed to write this down and maybe there is someone who somehow feels like telling me something that makes me feel better or has some advice or can relate or whatever.
Once upon a time I promised to myself I'll never again go below 47 kg...well thats where I am now, somewhere between 47 and 48, but my health is going down. I've maintained for a few weeks now and I somehow managed to reduce my hairloss, but as for the rest I feel pretty shitty. I high restrict to 1000 cals a day and have at least one binge a week whenever I visit my mum, because she buys all my favorite foods and well, once I start I can't stop until I feel like my stomach will explode at any moment and the pain becomes unbearable. She likes to see me eat and constantly tells me that I'm too thin and I don't want to make her worry even more. However during the last 1 1/2 months I managed to stop myself from purging (at least from vomitting...I took lax two times, because I couldn't stand the bloat after binging), my teeth are still hurting everytime I eat something sour and I guess they won't ever stop. During the last week I've binged more and send myself to sleep with alcohol two times, which made me feel even shittier the next day. I did not dare to weight myself since then.
On Wednesday I had to run to catch my train and I nearly fainted and my legs felt like I've run a marathon, but actually its been a little way plus about 10 stairs. Even the most overweight person I know could deal with this better. I can't concentrate, I can't sleep (but my insomnia mostly isn't caused by the ED, I always had trouble sleeping thanks to my brain that won't ever shut up), my depression is getting worse, BPD fucked up all the little social contacts I had, people hate me and honestly, I gave them reasons enough to do that, I can't blame them. I can't find a job, because of all this, who would hire someone like me? I've got scars everywhere, including my hands and I can't hide everything, I look fucked and tired and sick. I've been on and off this ED shit and I never stopped self-harming for more than a month since I was 12...I'm 26 now.
I never wanted to be beautiful, I hate people looking at me, I don't want a relationship or something, in fact I'm scared that anyone could still find me (sexually) attractive. So why do I keep doing this, why can't I deal with the number on the scale going up, if I don't care for looks? I don't know, but it always feels like I'm giving up the little control I have over my life when this happens. I don't want the number to go up, I don't want it to go lower and yet I can only either binge or restrict. I somehow can't just eat my TDEE for now.
I have no idea what I actually live for, I have nothing to achieve, nothing that keeps me going, except for my fear of a painful death and the fact that my therapist made me promise to not kill myself/make any suicide attempts (doing so would lead to me being kicked from my DBT-Therapy group and while the therapy doesn't help me a lot, its at least a place where I see people dealing with similar shit in real life and I have to go out to go there once a week). I also have individual therapy, but I'm not exactly good at talking about my thoughts and feelings. Once I start everything sounds stupid and less bad than I actually feel.
My family and the only friend I have left basicly keep telling me that I don't have to lose weight to look good and somehow I can't get them to understand that I don't strive for beauty. I like my baggy clothes and try to hide my body as much as possible.
I don't feel like an adult, I'm way too helpless for that and the way I deal with life and my emotions basicly feels childish and dumb and unreasonable.