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"Earning" food?


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#1 Blowfly

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Posted 06 December 2015 - 08:52 AM

Does anyone else do this? I have the habit of making myself "earn" food through burning calories and accomplishing tasks. I can only eat if I've done certain things throughout the day, or if I've burned enough calories to "afford" them. I've been very tired lately, so I'm not accomplishing as much. I'm trapped in a cycle of eating less, therefore being unable to allow more food, therefore being able to do less. It's been an ugly couple of weeks. Right now, to be frank, I'm pretty suicidal and tired. So damned tired. 

 

I'm not looking for advice. This is something I'll have to solve myself, and I know how: I have to eat things, even though eating over my allowance means I have to compensate in other ways. But commiseration or support would be much appreciated. 

 

Thanks for reading. 


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#2 Guest_symptoms_*

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Posted 06 December 2015 - 09:07 AM

I'm sorry to hear you're having it rough. It seems as if you know what is needed for you to be able to break the cycle. I know me saying this will not change your mindset,You DO deserve to have energy and to eat, however, just as much as the next person. Everyone deserves a break sometimes.

Please stay safe, and don't do anything drastic. 


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#3 Guest_CoffeeandCats_*

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Posted 06 December 2015 - 09:09 AM

I'm really sorry you feel like this too (hugs) You don't deserve it x


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#4 请你去死好吗

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Posted 06 December 2015 - 09:16 AM

I do this as well. I only eat when I earn my food, when I burn enough calories etc...
I'm sorry that you feel sad and suicidal. I understand you very well. At these times, I think that I don't deserve food, I'm not good enough to eat it - it's a waste if I eat it. But of course, it's not true.
I just want to wish you to stay as healthy as possible, I hope negativity will pass away. You don't have to earn anything, you deserve food because you're a living being. Stay safe, hun xx
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LW: 54 kg
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#5 IMissS.P.

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Posted 06 December 2015 - 09:38 AM

You earned an Ultra Rare Bonus Card!
Info: UR Bonus Cards allow you an uncompensated meal up to 800kcal.
Burning these calories through forced physical activity isn't necessary or allowed.
Exp: 500XP


:) Sorry if this is too cheesy but since you've turned your ED into a game-like interaction and it's making you suicidal, no encouraging words would have convinced you to eat something just to function. I thought maybe turning this into a game would somehow work more? You should eat something, you deserve it for going through all this. Best of luck~
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tumblr_inline_n0vrqbz6iP1rxsw83.giftumblr_inline_n0vrqiTY8e1rxsw83.gif Height - 166cm tumblr_inline_n0vrq3oHeJ1rxsw83.giftumblr_inline_n0vrpyMdVT1rxsw83.gif

tumblr_mc5ulsRRYq1roozkr.giftumblr_mc5ulnbB921roozkr.giftumblr_mc5ulsRRYq1roozkr.gif LW - 37.5kg/CW - 47.5kg; Back at it again tumblr_mc5ulsRRYq1roozkr.giftumblr_mc5ulnbB921roozkr.giftumblr_mc5ulsRRYq1roozkr.gif

tumblr_inline_n0vrq3oHeJ1rxsw83.giftumblr_inline_n0vrpyMdVT1rxsw83.gif Never grow up// tumblr_inline_n0vrqbz6iP1rxsw83.giftumblr_inline_n0vrqiTY8e1rxsw83.gif


#6 Jaanu89

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Posted 06 December 2015 - 09:42 AM

You earned an Ultra Rare Bonus Card!
Info: UR Bonus Cards allow you an uncompensated meal up to 800kcal.
Burning these calories through forced physical activity isn't necessary or allowed.
Exp: 500XP


:) Sorry if this is too cheesy but since you've turned your ED into a game-like interaction and it's making you suicidal, no encouraging words would have convinced you to eat something just to function. I thought maybe turning this into a game would somehow work more? You should eat something, you deserve it for going through all this. Best of luck~

you are amazing!! ❤️❤️
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#7 Krieger Senpai

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Posted 06 December 2015 - 09:47 AM

Does anyone else do this? I have the habit of making myself "earn" food through burning calories and accomplishing tasks. I can only eat if I've done certain things throughout the day, or if I've burned enough calories to "afford" them. 

 

I feel this. I don't earn food by accomplishing tasks but I only eat more than I normally allow myself when I exercised  or when there's a celebration and I simply have to eat to not raise any suspicion.

 

You can try to make your tasks less difficult or energy consuming, so that you can do them even when you're drained. Try to be less harsh on yourself; you deserve food just as much as anyone else!


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#8 Blowfly

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Posted 06 December 2015 - 09:55 AM

What a kind and supportive group you all are. Thank you so much for the encouragement. I didn't expect so many responses in such a short time. Thank you. 

 

I managed to do a few things, so I'm going to have something small. I think it would help if I spent my calories more wisely than I have been, on things like oatmeal and vegetables instead of chocolate, ha. I'm going to try that. I may also go for a black coffee. It's close to my bedtime, but I could certainly use the caffeine. 


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#9 Blowfly

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Posted 06 December 2015 - 09:56 AM

I am going to try not to engage in my other compensatory behaviors today. I did earn a card, after all. ;) 


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#10 Blowfly

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Posted 06 December 2015 - 10:38 AM

This thread gave me the push I needed to get some things done. It wasn't much, but it's better than it was. Thank you. 


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#11 Not Today Satan

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Posted 06 December 2015 - 11:21 AM

Yes definitely. I restrict on a "high" calorie intake (I mean comparable to most ED sufferers - like 1-2000) so this feeds into my problem with compulsive exercising. Lately I've cut back on exercise in an attempt to maintain but I still feel like I should "earn" food so I practice intermittent fasting every other day.

I have it in my head that I don't deserve to eat whatever I want unless I compensate for it somehow.
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Stats here temporarily until I have my weight where I want it to be:

Height: 5'3"/160.5cm
HW: 103lbs/46.5kg//bmi 18.6
LW: 75lbs/34kg//bmi 13.6
CW: 83-84/38kg//bmi ~15.2
GW1: 75lbs/34kg//bmi 13.6
GW2: Keep going until something bad happens, tbh.

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http://www.myproana....omething/page-1

#12 ¥o-landi

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Posted 06 December 2015 - 11:32 AM

I think of food partly as fuel and partly as a demonic entity
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#13 Blowfly

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Posted 06 December 2015 - 11:48 AM

Yes definitely. I restrict on a "high" calorie intake (I mean comparable to most ED sufferers - like 1-2000) so this feeds into my problem with compulsive exercising. Lately I've cut back on exercise in an attempt to maintain but I still feel like I should "earn" food so I practice intermittent fasting every other day.

I have it in my head that I don't deserve to eat whatever I want unless I compensate for it somehow.

 

This is it precisely. I don't deserve food unless I've compensated for it somehow. If I can't exercise or do something useful to earn it, then I either don't eat, or I eat and cut. It's my most ironclad rule. Food is earned, and I have to do extra for the things I like most. 



#14 Blowfly

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Posted 06 December 2015 - 11:49 AM

I wonder if I might be able to do some sort of intermittent fasting compromise. You've given me some food for thought, thank you. 



#15 dye

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Posted 06 December 2015 - 11:50 AM

I would like to earn food but it is impossible because i can have it without earning it.

#16 LaylaLoseIt

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Posted 06 December 2015 - 11:54 AM

This might seem weird, because I've never heard of anyone else doing this, but I earn binges if I fast long enough. Partly to shock my metabolism, partly because I'm self destructive and a self enabler. I never feel okay about binging, earned or not, but it keeps me motivated on fasts.
I really think it's the idea of a future binge that settles my mind. Sometimes they never happen, at least not for a while after I plan them. Maybe it's just the fantasy.

#17 Blowfly

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Posted 06 December 2015 - 01:28 PM

I would like to earn food but it is impossible because i can have it without earning it.

 

This was a behavior that was taught to me when I was young. I didn't have the sanest or kindest upbringing. 


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#18 dye

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Posted 07 December 2015 - 02:37 AM

This was a behavior that was taught to me when I was young. I didn't have the sanest or kindest upbringing. 

i had it similar, but exactly that harsh.  sometimes when i wanted something sweet or junk food or just normal food that my mother wouldnt buy i had to do some chore or some service for her or whatever. then i started to tell myself that i cant enjoy food without doing something extra



#19 xxsmall_

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Posted 07 December 2015 - 10:18 AM

I do this with tea.. is that lame? Lol

Oolong/earl gray/green tea vs herbal tea or flavored.

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#20 coeur-tordu

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Posted 07 December 2015 - 10:24 AM

i definitely know what you mean. also struggle with very strong and very constant feelings of guilt, so it makes "earning" food quite difficult. 


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accountability thread

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