This. It's so relaxing and calming. I almost enjoy CS more now than I do binging. It hurts like hell, my stomach fills up with air. But it's so rewarding to look at my spitout bag or bowl and look at the contents Im not absorbing in my body. I love touching the warmth of the bag. Even smelling it if it smells like candy. God this is so sick and twisted. For any non-ED reading this - welcome to the mind of an anorexic!
I do it into a cup which I dump down the toilet. It is nice and warm after and if it's just one meal, like i just c/s some sheppard's pie, it still smells like sheppard's pie. Wow how gross am I?
I can't figure out how to weigh my c/s because I always end up with like twice as much as I started with from the saliva and swishing with water. Well more like 1/3 more I would wager. Does anyone purge their c/s? I do not. Because I always do it after a little food to avoid the ulcers. I have had stomach ulcers and esophageal ulcers and it's so unfun. But then I lost weight. But then I couldn't work or exercise. But I lost a lot of weight. But it's not worth it. Right?
Also the thing with pb
Almost every other day I have bread, pb, nutella, sometimes chocolates and nuts too (yes like choclates, nuts, nutella, pb sandwich). I am super careful with it and I still get skin breakouts from it. puffy face and eye bags.
I just like to pretend I am having a normal meal like other people can. Normal sandwich for lunch, whatever for dinner, etc for dessert. But i can't because I'd get fat(ter). So I pretend instead. Still wasteful? Maybe, especially when I binge, but at the same time if I didn't have this then I would eat that anyway, or 3/4 of it probably.