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Posted by mirandamme , 30 December 2020 · 31 views

Sometimes I feel like I get in these really bad depressive moods. One day I can feel fine and feel like the whole world is on my side, and then one day it's not. I don't know how to control my emotions, I've always struggled with it. I take my antidepressants and I still feel like this. The scary thing too is when I get like this suicide sounds peaceful but I'm not going to commit to it. The thought is just nice and warming. I remember being a little girl and crying one day because I found out everyone dies eventually. Now as an adult the thought of dying isn't scary, it just feels like its willing to open its arms wide open to comfort me because it feels like no one else will or no one else understands. I am afraid to talk about how I truly feel because what goes on in my mind can be terrifying for some. I also don't want to lose the little friends I have because I don't want to sound selfish talking about me. I don't want to go through what I already went through and have all my friends turn on me again, just keep it to yourself no one cares. Also when I tried to talk about me having covid for a split second the subject gets changed to guys and sex and honestly it just doesn't intrigue me because I'll probably always be alone. Not even my roommate likes me and we live together. My living situation has gotten to the point where I don't even like being home, I try and stay places all the time just to avoid her because for some reason she makes my anxiety sky rocket. She also makes me feel unwelcome in my own home and always has since we got an apartment together. Nothing I do is ever good enough for her. She makes me feel like if we are here together that I should be in my room because if I'm not in here she just glares at me and when she talks to me it feels so condescending I hate it so much. Why is adulting a thing can't I just stay in a hole always and never come back out because clearly life isn't something I'm cut out for.

December 2021

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