Disordered thoughts of the day.
anorexia bulimia body image relapse weight gain weight loss
1. I hate that I needed to have a "cheat" day on my diet today because of school. I had to pull an all-nighter to write midterm papers and obviously, I needed the energy... it was just a few snacks (granola bars, nuts, etc.) throughout the day, but still, I was doing so well.
2. I posted some pictures of me from Easter on Facebook, and I almost wanted to edit the privacy settings to "hide" them from the people I was in treatment with a few years ago so they don't see how much weight I've lost and suspect anything. (It is also making me angry that nobody has commented on how I look thinner.)
3. I canceled plans tomorrow (Thursday) with two good friends I haven't seen in months, mostly because I know we'd go out drinking (calories...and munchies...), and I have a weigh-in for a diet thread on here I signed up to join on Friday, the first of April.
4. I've been addicted to Tumblr since 2009, but since I began to post on here, I don't even look at Tumblr. I would rather see thinspo and eating disorder stuff, apparently, than content from the blogs I follow about my favorite bands and musicians.
5. My iCloud ran out of storage because of all the thinspo I have saved to my phone. Not only thinspo from online, but "before and after" collages of my own body. (The only time I ever take "nudes" is to see if I lost weight lmao.)
6. I keep looking at thin/normal weight people and thinking they are fat. (Even though I probably weigh the same or maybe even more.) I can't even tell what I look like anymore: sometimes I will pose for a photo with another person, genuinely thinking "Ugh, I wish I had my coat on, I am going to look so fat next to them," and then I look at the photo and I'm just a fraction of their size... this happened recently when I met the singer of a band I saw live and took a picture with her. It's alarming that I even correlated weight and music in that moment, because music is my life...
7. I've realized that in middle school and high school, I WANTED people to notice my disordered eating, which ultimately turned into an ED. I would throw out my lunch in front of people (I was 12-13 and very dramatic, forgive me lmao), and in high school, I loved the stares and the concerned comments. Now I want to hide it at all costs. I try so hard to act normal about food and weight in front of everybody I know - joke about how much junk food I ate that day (when I didn't), how much I love [fear/binge food], etc. to avoid suspicion.
Idk man... After being recovered from summer 2011 through all of 2013 and putting on so much weight, I decided to lose weight again in February 2014 (after a triggering comment was made to me; when I told the person why it was triggering, she cried and made it about her). I am probably 40 pounds less now since I made the decision to count calories again.
(And... one time a couple of months ago, the triggering girl threatened to tell people I was bulimic again, so I brought up what she said years ago, and implied it was her fault. lmao. I was quite tipsy during that text conversation, and we've since made up, but although I apologized for that "manipulative" comment, I still think it's kinda funny tbh... and true.)
Anyway, while I did have slip-ups with binging and purging, etc. in 2011-2012, I could very easily push thoughts about food and calories away, especially if it was because I was out having drinks with my friends. Now I am canceling on those friends, and opting to drink alone in my room instead, and sometimes I even throw the beer up...
...anyway, to continue, 2013 was so happy for me. A lot of really great things happened (I went to a lot of concerts, met a lot of my favorite musicians, etc... I actually formed a bond with my idol since childhood, and she still tweets me), and I didn't think about weight much at all. The past couple of days, though, I've been looking at pictures of myself from back then, and I am horrified and disgusted that I let myself get so. FUCKING. fat, and that I even posted pictures of how I looked on social networking. I keep some of them up, though, in case somebody creeps me who didn't know me back then, just so they can think "Holy fuck, she lost a lot of weight."
Relating back to middle/high school... it's also embarrassing tho??? that I (famously in my schools, tbh) lost so much weight between 8th grade and junior year of high school, then got SO FAT, and now got relatively thin again??? It's fucking humiliating that I GOT FAT AGAIN AFTER LOSING A TON OF WEIGHT - POINT BLANK. Fucking AFTER I was THE school anorexic - I finally achieved it - and even teachers would ask other students (even the """popular girls""") what was wrong with me.
This weight-obsessed mindset worries me a little, but losing weight is something I want so badly. I want to be skinny again. I even think I look fat in the pictures I still have (I deleted most of them) of me at my lowest weight, when I was diagnosed with anorexia and didn't get my period... I see a very small-sized girl, but with FLAB everywhere. Which is honestly true. I didn't exercise, and my inner thighs genuinely had a good chunk of jiggle. I have never been able to achieve thin thighs, and I want it so bad I could salivate.
Anyway. Needed to get this shit off my mind. If anybody has read this, thank you. Now to commence my beer chugging/cigarette smoking.