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6/29/2020 II: I Wish That I Was Dead

Posted by 4m83r , 29 June 2020 · 116 views

So! My mental health has been going very very well, in case you couldn't tell! I want to binge right now but if I do, then there's no point in me even existing so I'm not going to do that! I might have a snack this evening or afternoon. Yeah, I'll have trailmix for my evening snack. That'll be good. That'll be fine.

 

As soon as I can, I'm going to check downstairs for any spare razors that I can use for blades. My mom made the mistake of mentioning that there were some down there. I just hope it's not locked. I palmed my antidepressants for the first time since my last attempt today, but that'll take a while to build up and... I just want some insurance. I don't have any plans of killing myself, I just want the option.

 

I'm doing good. :)

 

Update: I'm so tired. Just... tired. I love escaping my world. I've spent the entirety of today listening to reddit youtube videos and playing games on my phone. It was fun. I even laughed a lot. It's all good until I have to do literally anything other than that. Then it's all horrible again. Existing in my own world is the worst right now.

 

I still haven't checked the basement for blades yet. I'm saving that until my parents are out of the house, so they don't suspect anything. I'm trying to seem as normal as possible. I've been spending a lot of time in my room recently, especially today, but my sister is sick so I can use that as an excuse.

 

It's surprisingly easy to act like everything is fine. Laugh at things people say, make fun of myself when my parents poke at me and act like it doesn't hurt a little bit. Make my weird faces and say stupid stuff, like I always do. That's always been my thing. Apparently, no one ever sees it coming.

 

Wonderwall has never sounded so sad.





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