Losing for my birthday
My friend is taking me out for my birthday in a few weeks and I am very excited about that. I am not excited about the possibility of not looking the way I want to since I haven't seen this friend in months due to the pandemic.
I have lost down to my LW in January before getting purposely sent to inpatient via suicide attempt. I'm a lot more stable now, and am thankful for the experience, but although I was sectioned for trying to kill myself, the doctors there informed me I was underweight when they took my vitals. I had to pretend I didn't know and had just been too burnt out and depressed to eat up until my time there. I was given a vegan diet while there, but I suspect whatever food they gave me fattened me up because the portions were healthy and I didn't finish most of my meals. I was admittedly also doing a lot of stress snacking (on saltines) because of unrelated drama on the unit / my being the most stable person there compared to others who regularly were violent towards staff and other patients.
Irregardless, I gained weight after my discharge and I want to lose it, obviously. If I mostly fast and actually start exercising again, I can look maybe toned enough by my birthday. My new focus has been my chest and arms, although I always want to slim my waist and flatten my stomach. I feel like my arms are huge and my chest adds to it, but I'm starting to recognize that my fluctuating aversion to their appearance might actually just be dysphoria LOL. I just want to be devastatingly androgynous and there's only so much I can do to my wardrobe and hair; I wish I didn't associate gender stuff with weight but I do and I think I convinced myself I have to look waify to be "properly" nonbinary. So that's what I want for my birthday. To look the way I feel.