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Parayeet's Nonsensical Shitposting and Accountability



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47.5

Posted by Parayeet , 26 February 2020 · 114 views

7pm, Thursday. 47.5kg.
A plateau.
This number haunts me.
forty-seven point fucking five.
BMI 14.99.
Eugh. I'm feeling increasingly dizzy and a bit wobbly on my feet these past couple of days.
Holding onto door frames and fixed objects to steady myself.
It's because I'm too heavy, isn't it?
Today in the city I at times had trouble carrying my can...


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Fasting and the evident emotional chaotic bullshit that comes with it.

Posted by Parayeet , 23 February 2020 · 112 views

Yesterday didn't exist.
Well, not for me.
I slept for all of it. I feel exhausted and in a daze, almost like I'm drunk yet I'm completely sober.
I can't think.
I can hear my breathing in my head and ears, and it makes it hard to speak.
Harder to get the words out.
Harder for others to hear me.
My pulse is magnified much the same.
I feel like I'm not...


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The storm before the calm; a nonsensical ramble.

Posted by Parayeet , 21 February 2020 · 110 views

So today was an anorexic's worst nightmare.
My worst nightmare.
Even though I'm too fat to be anorexic.
I eat too much to be anorexic.
I shouldn't ramble like this.
It shouldn't matter.
There's a lot of things I shouldn't do.
Shouldn't think.
Shouldn't have done.
Tonight.
The latter category.
All of it.
No.
(past tense). I'm tired.
In pain.
Out of br...


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Body checking, lack of self control, feelings of inadequacy and envy (with photos)

Posted by Parayeet , 20 February 2020 · 105 views

So it seems as of late I'm back to a relatively high restriction.
(Averaging anywhere between 600 and 1300 calories a day).
I'm not happy about it. I need to eat less.
Coupled with not being allowed to exercise, getting my weight down is getting harder if not impossible.
Yesterday I woke up at 50 again. Today was 49.5. How was it that just a few days ago...


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Weight gain..?

Posted by Parayeet , 19 February 2020 · 88 views

6:45pm Wednesday Yesterday I regrettably ended up eating a bit more, so I ended up altogether consuming roughly my BMR. .....and I gained another kilogram overnight.
Woke up to 50kg on the scale.
50kg.
How the fuck does that work?
I'm a fat indulgent shit, that's how.
Can consuming my BMR really make me gain that much weight?
Evidently so...I...


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Hospital

Posted by Parayeet , 18 February 2020 · 99 views

18th Feb, 7:45pm whoa, what a week.
Had my heart procedure on Friday which quite honestly was painful and pretty traumatic, but they found the problems at least.
Today I saw my cardiologist for a follow up of the procedure and I'm booked in to get it my heart fixed under general anaesthetic in April.
In between today and that procedure, I see another...


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Fear.

Posted by Parayeet , 13 February 2020 · 88 views

5:30 PM Thursday.
Yesterday's calories didn't end at my last entry - they snuck up on me when I found myself absentmindedly standing in the kitchen eating slice after slice of bread.
A 1000 calorie binge.
Woke up this morning at 47.5kg.
Fuck I'm useless. Today I've fasted. I don't feel hungry anyway.
Procedure is first thing tomorrow morning and I'm...


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Supermarket Wanderer

Posted by Parayeet , 12 February 2020 · 140 views

4pm, Wednesday.

This morning's weight: 47.1kg Today's intake: 552 calories -
More than what I had planned, that's for sure.
I'm trying to justify yesterday and today's increased intake with the amount of exercise I've done, but in my head it's still a war zone.
I feel like I haven't earned my food. Like I don't deserve it because I'm not active eno...


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Exhaustion

Posted by Parayeet , 10 February 2020 · 88 views

11:15 am Tuesday.
389 calories yesterday - intake is going to plan, for now.
Today is to be ideally under 400, maybe 500 at an absolute maximum depending on what my activity levels are. Weight this AM: 47.3kg
Still not low enough.
Way too high. I still can see the fat rolls all over my body. It just won't go. I'm repulsive. Went to netball last...


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Monday - Rehydration

Posted by Parayeet , 09 February 2020 · 101 views

I'm writing this at 7:15 on a Monday morning; I've been awake since 3am and used the lonely hours of the morning to finish Portia De Rossi's memoir (I'm behind the 8 ball I know, I half read it years ago and subsequently forgot about it). I don't know what I was expecting, and I'm so glad she's in a better spot but damn it was raw and real. I also fe...






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