11:15 am Tuesday.
389 calories yesterday - intake is going to plan, for now.
Today is to be ideally under 400, maybe 500 at an absolute maximum depending on what my activity levels are.
Weight this AM: 47.3kg
Still not low enough.
Way too high. I still can see the fat rolls all over my body. It just won't go. I'm repulsive.
Went to netball last night but didn't even get to step on the court because of how unwell I was feeling. Promptly drove home again but I felt like I was driving drunk yet I was completely sober, so I'm feeling really disappointed because 1) I feel like I didn't exercise enough yesterday and 2) I'm watching my body being able to do less and less yet not being able to stop. I feel really weak when I walk. My chest still hurts and the palpitations/tachycardia are next level.
Yoga yesterday was particularly challenging and frankly quite physically painful at some points, I struggled to even hold myself up in a couple of the postures, and to top it off I was lying next to a colony of ants that kept biting me so that makes relaxing a difficult task.
But just when I think I might feel frustrated enough to eat a little bit more, it feels too much. I'm too much. I don't deserve food. I don't deserve to feel well. I'm mentally weak. I'm too heavy. Not good enough. I can't gain weight, I just can't.
I'm so fucking tired, the anorexia is so damn strong and today I'm a little saddened by how stuck in this I feel, but I can't give it up.
Gotta keep on keeping on I guess.
I hate myself.