This morning's weight: 47.1kg
Today's intake: 552 calories -
More than what I had planned, that's for sure.
I'm trying to justify yesterday and today's increased intake with the amount of exercise I've done, but in my head it's still a war zone.
I feel like I haven't earned my food. Like I don't deserve it because I'm not active enough. I'm convinced that I'll wake up in the morning and be heavier.
I can't let that happen.
I'm considering a Bikram Yoga class or a walk around the suburbs just to be sure I've burnt everything off.
Hopefully the chest pains won't come back again today.
Tomorrow I'd ideally love to fast, but depending on how I go physically (and weight depending) I may have a bowl of oats in the morning, and that will hopefully be it until Friday evening / Saturday morning after my heart procedure.
I spent most of this afternoon frequenting local health food shops and the three different supermarket chains I live near; two of them being in a major shopping centre so I used that as an excuse to get my steps up by doing laps of the shops. My step count has been way down lately, which is not okay.
I realise how stupid I must look to others in the supermarket walking past me;
My furrowed brow studying the packaging of artificial sweeteners for the strongest brand, picking them up and putting them back again.
Searching for spray oil at a lower calorie threshold that I'll feel safe using with a bit of salt on my 120 calorie wholemeal English muffins, to substitute for my 57 calories per serve of Nuttelex that is now starting to cause me fear and anxiety when I eat it, and not being able to decide on one to buy so walking away empty handed.
Standing in the health and beauty section trying to find the cheapest and most effective laxatives.
Frequenting the health and diet food section, pawing over the different low calorie spreads trying to find the right one.
Staring longingly at the weight loss supplements. Tossing up whether or not to take something else with my daily hydroxycut.
Browsing through apple cider vinegars and detox/weight loss drinks. Does any of this actually work? I'm too scared and broke to know.
Dropping my money on the ground under one of the aisles and getting needlessly sad about it, because I'm a broke arse student and every dollar counts.
Being too scared to spend money on groceries because I might not eat them.
But I spend hours looking at them all like a complete bloody indecisive moron.
However one good thing did come out of all that chaos today -
I discovered that 0 calorie maple syrup is a thing.
Considering my diet at the moment is pretty much consisting of porridge, apples and occasionally an English muffin, I'm now prepared to pour this syrup over everything I eat.
Excuse me while I go and sob into my empty cereal bowl.