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Fear.

Posted by Parayeet , 13 February 2020 · 85 views

5:30 PM Thursday.
Yesterday's calories didn't end at my last entry - they snuck up on me when I found myself absentmindedly standing in the kitchen eating slice after slice of bread.
A 1000 calorie binge.
Woke up this morning at 47.5kg.
Fuck I'm useless.

 

Today I've fasted. I don't feel hungry anyway.
Procedure is first thing tomorrow morning and I'm terrified. I don't want to be awake for it. And I'll be lying on that table anywhere between 2 and 6 hours.
I'm going to raise it with the surgeon or the nursing staff when I get admitted to see what can be done about my state of consciousness.
I can't lie in one position for 10 minutes at the moment without the back of my body being in pain, let alone hours.
Anxiety is through the roof. I don't want to do this.
There's a sense of irony that I'm getting one of my heart issues fixed on Valentine's day. I shouldn't laugh.
Ha.

 

Weight this afternoon was back to 47.1kg
BMI of 14.87
Still fucking colossal. I'm disgustingly huge.
The numbers don't match what I see.
Please be in the 46's tomorrow.
I need to do something right.

 

Here goes nothing..





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