Body checking, lack of self control, feelings of inadequacy and envy (with photos)
So it seems as of late I'm back to a relatively high restriction.
(Averaging anywhere between 600 and 1300 calories a day).
I'm not happy about it. I need to eat less.
Coupled with not being allowed to exercise, getting my weight down is getting harder if not impossible.
Yesterday I woke up at 50 again. Today was 49.5. How was it that just a few days ago I was 46.4?
I'm still bloated as all fuck, it's disgusting. I don't know if I'm retaining fluid from the heart problems, or of my "period" is due (inv. quotations as I get the symptoms but don't actually bleed lol?) or I'm just legitimately a fucking fatty and I've gained weight from eating too much.
Hopefully the laxatives will help clear up some of this mess.
Finally took myself out yesterday to do an updated form of a body check photo, however I'm wearing a dress so my entire midsection is covered (thankfully) in fabric. My stomach, butt and thighs are huge. Don't even get me started on the size of my arms. I still have so much weight to lose. I still need to do a proper weight, body measurement check and photo update as it's been a while since I've done one (and I like to do it relatively regularly), but I'm scared to do it until my weight gets back down. I can't bear the increments going up on my tape measure. I can't handle that shit at the moment, so sticking my head in the sand and avoiding seems to be my natural response. Fucking hell.
I'm going out to dinner with a friend tonight in the city and I'm fucking nervous. 1) because I'm broke as fuck and 2) WHAT THE FUCK DO I ORDER???
I might go back to the central markets today and walk around to get my steps up, while window shopping amongst all the fresh produce I can't really afford.
Yesterday I saw two very underweight girls at different times, and it made me never want to eat again, because they can be beautiful and manage, so why can't I do that too? I envy them. Why can't I be that small? Why can't I turn heads?
I eat too much.
I have no self control.