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The storm before the calm; a nonsensical ramble.

Posted by Parayeet , 21 February 2020 · 109 views

So today was an anorexic's worst nightmare.
My worst nightmare.
Even though I'm too fat to be anorexic.
I eat too much to be anorexic.
I shouldn't ramble like this.
It shouldn't matter.
There's a lot of things I shouldn't do.
Shouldn't think.
Shouldn't have done.
Tonight.
The latter category.
All of it.
No.
(past tense).

 

I'm tired.
In pain.
Out of breath.
Dizzy.
Sad.
Broken.
Paltry.
11:58pm.
Sobbing into my open fridge.
The light is too bright.
The coolness too harsh.
Melancholy.
Desultory.
Emptiness.
Fullness.
The conclusion of a binge.
Excessiveness, gluttony, a void.
All rolled into one.
Too much.
Not enough.
A living, breathing oxymoron.
The beginning of the night from hell.
What feels like the end.
Inaugurate.
I can't sleep.
I don't deserve to sleep.
To rest.
Hah.

 

Enforcing intent.
Accountability.
Autonomy.
Tainted with rigidity.
Control.
Lack thereof.

 

I will not eat.
I will not eat.
I don't deserve to eat.
I cannot eat.
No.
(present tense).

 

おやすみー
おはよう。





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