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Plateau broken...result? A new low and a fucking binge.

Posted by Parayeet , 02 March 2020 · 96 views

Monday, March 2. 11:53pm.
I should have updated this blog a couple of days ago, but I've been thoroughly exhausted.
As in staring at walls for hours exhausted, but not able to sleep. Funny that.

 

HOWEVER

 

Woke up this morning at 46.3kg.
Finally, the fucking plateau is broken.

 

It was also my first day back at uni studying a brand new degree in a completely different field to my last one, and I got to play for almost half a game of netball, which combined with the new lowest weight had me on cloud-fucking-nine. Lots of smiles.
Happy.
Well, as happy as I can be.
I still look fat as fuck and I don't even look anywhere near underweight,
but it was nice as days get for me so I'll take it.

 

Then the shitstorm hit.
I had a blood sugar low during my netball game tonight and was stuck having to eat red lolly frogs on the side of the court. Not my finest moment.
Proceeded to get home and consume all the carbohydrates within arm's reach in my entire kitchen, adding roughly 1400 calories on top of my already consumed 1000 I'd had between 9am and 6pm today.
I ate so much I feel physically sick typing this.

 

I don't understand why I overeat/binge on days where I hit a new lowest weight. I made a post going into more detail about the feelings and thoughts involved with this shitty process here.
It's like a subconscious punishment.
I always end up feeling worse mentally and physically than what it's worth.
I don't deserve to eat.
I'm fucking enormous enough.
I don't even look thin. Because I'm not.
I'm really fucking not.
I'm trying to break the binge/restrict cycle.
It ain't going so well.
The scales aren't going to be kind to me in the morning.
A new lowest weight. A binge follows.

Logic??????
There is none.

 

Back to low cal liquid fasting. At least for a day or two.
Maybe then I'll feel better.
I don't deserve nice things anyhow.





September 2020

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