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25.

Posted by Parayeet , 09 March 2020 · 128 views

This week has been really lonely if I'm honest. I feel so isolated.
I just "celebrated" my 25th birthday.

 

My mum made me a cake out of paper, knowing I wouldn't be able to handle a real one.
She's such a sweetheart, but I feel like I'm disappointing her because I'm not able to eat real cake.
The family disappointment. Great.
I spent most of that day studying on my bedroom floor which for some might be a shit way to spend a birthday, but for me it was nice albeit lonely. I feel so blessed to be able to study at university again and I'm so thankful for the opportunity. As far as birthdays go, it was nothing special but I'm nothing special either so it all squared out.

 

My dad bought me a whole bunch of vegan chocolate but I'm too scared to accept it because I don't want that kind of binge ammunition in my house. It'll just make me sad.
Sad, scary chocolate.
I'm pathetic.
Weight has been relatively stable over the course of this week. This plateau is driving me nuts.
My measurements are stagnating, which I'm really not happy with.
Dead on 47kg this morning, but that's with food in my system so if I fast and/or use laxatives before my doctor's appointment on Thursday I should be okay and it should be around the 46 mark..
At least I bloody hope so.

 

it's only March and I'm already so so cold all the time, often having numb hands when I'm out of the house which makes simple tasks harder than they should be, like getting my keys out of my bag or holding a pen and writing. I'm dreading winter.
At uni there's a really underweight girl I walk past sometimes and our eyes occasionally meet. I think she has an ED too but I'm not the sort of person to ask those kinds of questions to others, as I could be wrong and I know not everyone is okay talking about it. It feels wrong of me to assume.
At least there's some mental solidarity I guess, knowing that being a low weight and being able to study is achievable. I envy her, she seems to have it all together and I'm already (1 week into my new degree) considering dropping my elective subject. I'm trying to justify dropping the subject as I technically don't need to do it and I have credit from my previous degree I can use, but I feel I'm a failure because already I'm struggling with the full time course load.
In other words I'm an incompetent fool. I'm not good enough.

 

Lately my issues with low blood sugar are rife and the dizziness today has been really problematic. I guess it's a good thing I didn't have uni today then.
At least I got some study done at home.
This past week calories have been really high but not the usual yo-yo binge fest of the last few weeks so that's sort of a positive? I'm averaging 980 a day. Definitely some room for improvement.
I need to eat less.
I'm still far too big.
I'm tired.





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