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Hit my UGW....now what? (With body check)

Posted by Parayeet , 05 April 2020 · 176 views

On April 3rd, I hit my original UGW.


45kg has been my goal since I was diagnosed as a teenager.
I say 'original' ultimate goal weight, because about six months ago, I reset that number to 40kg because I knew at 45kg, I would still be huge.
I was stupid in thinking it was going to be enough.
45 seemed to be this perfect round number where in the Metric system it was an even number, and it put me at about 99lbs in the Imperial system. Not that we use Imperial here in Australia, but in the ED community it's kind of assumed integral knowledge to be able to convert (at least roughly) from kilograms to pounds and vice versa. You'd think I'd be happy finally reaching that long-term goal.
But no. The happiness wore off as fast as it came.
Partially due to re-hydrating after being weighed, and definitely due to eating far too much food,
causing the scales (and realistically, me) to function like a yo-yo.


My measurements aren't changing fast enough.
I look huge and repulsive in my body check photos.
It's even worse when I look down at my body.
I eat too much and the number on the scale isn't low enough.
I don't look how I pictured myself to look at 45. My BMI is evidently 14.2, but I look nowhere near it.
I need to get to 40.
Maybe then I'll feel like less of a fraudulent failure.


I feel out of control and gluttonous. Indulgent.
I need to eat less.
I need to exercise more.


Maybe then I'll feel worthy and in control.


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December 2020

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