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Hospital, NG weight gain, discharge weight loss and regain of control

Posted by Parayeet , 16 May 2020 · 142 views

Okay so today I realised I haven't updated my accountability in literally over a month.
Poor form, especially since I engage in forum activity on MPA every day.
Most of the delay has stemmed from an inability to think properly, and also due to both my physical circumstance and being snowed under by university work.
Alas, I digress. Enough of the excuses.
Weight as of yesterday morning: 47.2kg.
I'm so ashamed of myself for gaining so much.
But it wasn't by choice.


Since my last post (and hitting my original UGW of 45kg), a lot has happened.
Unfortunately some of which I don't remember much about at all.


I was admitted to hospital on the 20th of April, and discharged on the 7th of May.
My GP asked me yesterday what specifically landed me in hospital, and why the fuck they discharged me because I'm still apparently "really unwell" (which is a fucking laughable concept IMO).
I fumbled and honestly couldn't answer him, because I couldn't remember.


The only reason I know why I was admitted and am able to type this out now (as I can't physically remember how I even got to the hospital) is because of my discharge summary. At the point of admission I had stopped eating and drinking completely. Apparently I was confused, had a fall at home and evidently my kidneys weren't working well.


The first week of the admission I was completely bedridden and being cardiac monitored; not allowed to stand up and when they did finally stand me up for a postural, I had another fall. Not being able to even wash myself was completely humiliating. I don't remember much else from this period though, thankfully.
They detained me and tubed me, which resulted in a 5kg weight gain over the 18 day period. It was horrible and really, really distressing. Every time I pulled the NG tube out, they shoved it straight back in again.


I do remember begging and begging to be discharged, as I felt I didn't need to be there, I was fine and I was wasting their time. They thankfully revoked the ITO and when I was "medically stable enough", I was allowed to go home.
They sent me home with a walking frame because of the falls, apparent muscle loss in my legs and my unsteadiness, which for me has been unbelievably humiliating. I'm 25 years old and using a fucking walking frame. I'm not allowed to exercise anymore (which is fucking awful holy shit). I fell straight back into restriction the day I went home.


I'm so behind on my university work, and I'm cramming madly to catch up.
I can't focus on anything anymore, and I can't seem to engage in anything I enjoy.
My eating is the only thing I have any control over.
New rules. More accountability.


Currently I'm allowing myself 800 calories a day.
I'm trying to eat enough to stay the fuck out of hospital, but to also lose the weight I've gained.
Yesterday my GP weighed me. 47.6kg clothed.
By his scales I've lost about half of the weight I gained while in hospital (2.4kg from 5kg), within 8 days.
All I can think about is getting my weight back down. I'm not in a recovery mindset whatsoever.
I want to shrink into oblivion.


I'm exhausted.
I'm miserable.
And I'm still fucking huge.

December 2020

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