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Plateau. (Anorexic? What a Joke).

Posted by Parayeet , 30 May 2020 · 158 views

Let me start off with the sheer undeniable fact that I've obviously not been restricting hard enough.
I'm a fat fucking failure.


My weight has barely shifted in two weeks.
This week my BMI is sitting at an average of 14.9.
For the third doctor's appointment in a row, my weight hasn't gone down. Yesterday, it went up by 100 grams.
I mean, I know I'm constipated as all shit (ha), but clearly I'm doing something wrong.


The inability to exercise at the moment is a HUGE contributing factor as to why I'm not losing weight. With my mobility being quite limited, I'm not burning as many calories as I'd like, meaning I have to (and should be) compensating for this by lowering my intake further.
My metabolism has slowed to the point where on eating an average of 1000 calories a day (most days are 700-800 cals but I had a binge on Wednesday), the scale is refusing to budge.
My BMR is supposed to be (according to online calculators) roughly 1300 calories a day.


I know the supposed science and math. I know what the problem is on paper.
It should be a simple matter of CICO. And I'm evidently somehow getting it wrong.
What I need to do is adjust accordingly to match my new circumstances post-discharge, which is proving to be challenging.
I'm treading a very fine line where I need to eat enough to stay out of hospital, but still little enough to lose weight.
The tweaking of the numbers is something I'm still working on, but here's what I believe is going on and where my flaws lie:


I think it's time for a diet overhaul. Something's gotta change, and I think I know what that something is.
As I may or may not have previously mentioned, I get quite fixated on certain foods for various periods of time and I struggle a lot with variation of my daily intake and brand changes. This means I generally eat the same foods every single day, with slight modifications over time to different food items when I find a new obsession.
Usually, I meticulously weigh my food and compulsively count calories down to the wire; my current streak on Myfitnesspal is 508 days.
When I say "usually", here is the exception and how I've faltered:


In the past few months one specific snack fixation (that I eat usually around midday so I guess it's lunch) has been a date square rolled in desiccated coconut accompanied by a spoon of almond butter, which I eat on a daily basis.
I love the taste combination of this and it's become one of my favourite foods - I'm yet to get sick of it and I actually look forward to eating it each day.


I honestly think the culprit of my current plateau has been me consuming this without weighing my exact portions, and therefore underestimating the calories of what I'm eating staggeringly badly..
I did a bit of research on the date squares on Google and eventually found them. They don't come packaged and they definitely aren't uniform in size so the calories vary square by square (I get them from a bulk health food market, and the shop doesn't have a full nutritional info panel).
So between that and me not weighing my spoon of almond butter, I could be calculating incorrectly by probably 100 calories, give or take.
I'm a fucking moron!


I mean, I weigh literally everything else I eat (unless it's portioned in a package that says the calories on it), so I don't know why I haven't been weighing the date squares and almond butter - especially since these two foods are EXTREMELY calorie dense so my miscalculation and error of guesstimating my portion I believe is drastically altering my true daily calorie intake.
I have a few squares left which I today measured and portioned out to the gram, so at least I know the damage done, and once those are gone I will NOT be buying these any more.


Anyway, enough of me talking about fucking date squares - I'm even boring myself to tears writing this but I need to get it out somehow. Apologies if you're reading this and have gotten this far.


I also threw out a whole bunch of my food during my last binge. Mainly the foods I tend to eat when binging, or when I have them, are likely to trigger a binge - I was throwing food in the bin while stuffing my face at the same time - it was an absolutely horrid experience and made zero sense.
Additionally, the problem is I live with family and can't eliminate all trigger foods as that's not fair on them. But holy fuck, the minute I touch a piece of bread I know I'm doomed, and there's literally nothing I can do about eliminating that risk.


I need to find a way to burn calories, since I can't go walking for hours around the suburbs anymore.
Despite having to use a walking frame, this should not be an excuse for my laziness.
I just have to have more self control.
Cue properly enforcing compensatory methods.


Oh yeah.
In other news,
I dropped out of university.

December 2020

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