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Supermarkets & Winter - Safety In Numbness (with a bullshit body check)

Posted by Parayeet , 09 June 2020 · 88 views

Plateau is finally broken. 46.4kg currently.
BMI 14.64
Layer upon layer of fat.
I look fucking obese.

 

Attached Image Attached Image

 

Currently in the process of re-shaping my intake by means of both substance and time.
Lots of tweaking.
It's not right yet.
I'm disgusting.
A failure.
I need to lose more weight.
This is a non-negotiable.
The goalposts keep moving.
My own undoing.
Like malleable clay, shaped and re-shaped

 

I spent over five hours between various supermarkets today, checking and comparing so many labels.
I spend way too much time (window) shopping for groceries.
Outside of the house, this is where I spend the most time.
Being young with a walking aid fucking sucks.
So many people staring at me.
Please don't look at me.

 

'Do you feel that there's something you don't feel enough?
There's a perfectly good poison for the perfectly numb
If you want some...


But naming the feeling
Just kills the charade'

 

Oblivious;
Tuned out from my surroundings while staring at labels.
However simultaneously my awareness of others is heightened.
Contradiction.

 

The compulsion I can't overrule.
Outside of the house, it's the place I am most likely to be.
It's a love-hate relationship.
I can see the foods I dream of, and even hold them in my hands,
It's a different kind of touch, you see, if you haven't purchased what you're holding.
I long for them,
I won't let myself touch them,
And I never buy them.
I'm browsing aisle upon aisle
Hours on end.
It hurts.
Why do I keep doing this to myself?
What is safe?
What isn't safe?
What has more protein for less calories?
What can I include in my diet that I won't be beyond terrified of?
Are there lower calorie versions of my current safe foods?
Wait, why did I buy more fucking snack bars?
I don't need them.
Am I eating too much?
I'm eating too much.
I can't buy all this.
I'm too big.
Put this back.
And that.
Why is this so hard?
Toppings, sweeteners, fruits, vegetables.
Just buy your usual and leave.
Go. Home.
Pomegranate seeds or cranberries to add to my frozen fruit collection?
Frozen solid.
Hands and feet so cold I can barely feel them.
Can't properly open my purse or use my car keys.
I get into my car.
I catch myself in the mirror;
Hypothermic. Cyanotic.
I can't feel anything but pain.
Anything but blue.

 

Safety in Numbness.





September 2020

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