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The Balancing Act (with body check)

Posted by Parayeet , 16 July 2020 · 125 views

It's been a while.
A lot has happened, yet I still feel somewhat stagnant.
I'm not gonna be a cryptic little shit today.


Weight as of last Friday's GP visit is 45.7kg.
45.4kg on my scales at home, with the attached photos taken on that day.
I've not been that since.


I'm going through an unbelievable shitty (ha) transition of stopping regular laxative use to cut weight for doctor's appointments.
I'm tired of trying to cope with the panic that sets in when I start madly rushing to weight cut two days beforehand.
My routine comprises of a combination of fasting, laxative abuse and diuretic use.
However in doing this cycle each 7-10 days, I annoyingly seem to be setting myself up for a binge after weigh days.
I want this to stop. I don't want to use laxatives any more, or be in a constant mode of stress.
Worried I won't have dehydrated myself enough to show a consistent loss.
I want to just wake up, go and get weighed, and for there to be a predictable loss not pertaining to intentional fluid shifts.
Maybe I'm asking for too much?


That brings us to now.
Changing the cycle.
I'm no longer doing a total fast the day before my appointments, nor taking as many laxatives and diuretics,
and not limiting my fluid intake as much either.
Due to this I've hovered around the 46kg mark for 4 appointments spanning over the course of roughly 5 weeks.
This transition is not happening as fast as I would like.
I now have no idea if I've gained, maintained or lost weight.
This makes me nervous.


Each appointment adds fuel to the fire that reaffirms I need to restrict "properly".
If the number doesn't go down, I feel like a fake and a fraud.
This is where the problems begin;
I feel pressured to lose weight to prove some sort of validity in my apparent diagnosis.
Anorexia Nervosa.
Anorexia Nervosa?
I'm a joke.


I saw my new psychologist for the first time today.
I was informed that being weighed each appointment was a mandatory and non-negotiable element of treatment.
My brain is now in panic mode, because I still haven't gotten back down to that 45.7 I showed at my GP weigh in.
It's been almost a week.
My digestive system isn't working properly.
I swear I'm getting bigger.
I feel the need to show my new psych that I really am 45.7kg (or less), as that's the weight I wrote on the prep forms I had to give her.
I can't be bigger than what I claim.
Then I really will feel like a fraudulent fat fuck.
I need to prove myself at least once before I even think about a controlled "gain" on the scale,
which is what's apparently expected of me.
But I can't do it by taking laxatives or diuretics.
I need to break the pattern.


I'm trying to keep myself out of hospital.
I don't want to be detained and tubed again.
Last time they made me gain 5kg.
I'm still trying to lose that weight.


However It's not worth being dehydrated anymore.
I don't want to feel like crap anymore from the symptoms deriving from a lack of fluid.
It's not worth the kidney issues and increased likelihood of a forced medical admission.
I need to keep losing weight, yet I need to depict a picture of my supposed path to stabilisation.


This is a delicate balancing act.
A tightrope.


I'm worried I've bitten off more than I can chew.


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December 2020

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