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Posted by Parayeet , 10 August 2020 · 7077 views

I always tell myself I'm going to update this more regularly,
but I never do.


I'd like to say things were better.
Better than they are.
My mind is a shambolic mess.
A mine field.


A lot has happened, yet time is going so slowly I feel like I'm stalling.
Hit a new lowest weight at the end of July.
43.9kg. A BMI of 13.86
It's hovering between that (first thing in the morning),
and at the end of the day around the 45-47kg mark.
I'm still too fat.


My new psychologist.
I've had three visits now.
My weight was the same two appointments in a row.
44.35kg fully clothed.
She's said to me that if I don't gain weight by next appointment (this Thursday),
I'll have to stop therapy.
In my mind, I feel like I've been thrown a life ring,
only to have the rope it's attached to chucked into the water with me.
Isn't it?


I feel like I've been slapped in the face.


My heart procedure at the end of July failed.
I have to go back for the THIRD time to try and get this fixed.
It broke me when I came out of the anaesthetic and they told me.
They know roughly where the problem is, and that they know it's there,
but the location couldn't be pinpointed enough to fix it.
Otherwise they could be frying the wrong heart tissue and create more problems than they are solving.
So, back again for round three in a few weeks time.


I'm desperately trying to avoid a hospital admission for my ED.
I saw my GP yesterday and most of the appointment was filled with tears and stress.
I want to put off a voluntary admission until at least after my next heart procedure.
According to my doctor, I don't have that long.
Being told my only option is hospital, either voluntary or forced, is a very bitter pill to swallow.
I don't think my weight is low enough and my ED isn't that bad.
Not bad enough to need intervention, anyhow.
I keep being told by my team that I'm not far off medical,
and that I in fact should already be in medical,
but a huge part of me can't see that.
It's like nothing that bad could happen. I'm fine.
There's nothing wrong with me.
If there is, I'm sure it's just me being dramatic.


We either think that we're invincible or that we are invisible,
when realistically we are somewhere in between.

December 2020

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