Terror Will Take Whatever It Likes
I had the third attempt of my heart procedure on Monday.
It failed. Again. I don't know what the plan even is now.
I was hoping so hard it would work, to improve my quality of life.
I hoped too hard, and I feel absolutely beyond crushed.
This past week I've not been able to stop eating,
to the point where I feel sick and it physically hurts.
I don't know why this is happening.
This binge eating has come from absolutely nowhere,
and I'm so confused.
Why is it happening so frequently at the moment?
It's out of character for it to be happening how it has this week.
What am I doing wrong to end up eating like this?
I'm weak willed. I have no willpower. No self control.
I don't understand why I'm so hungry, even when I'm full?
I feel so ashamed of myself. I feel miserable.
I want to rip my skin off, and all the fat underneath it.
I've gained weight, I'm scared of gaining even more,
and I'm not okay.
My weight (fully clothed) at my psych appointment on the 18th of September (a week ago) was 45.2kg.
Last night, it was 48.2kg. I know it was in the evening and I'd had food and drink,
but I can't believe how much I've let myself go.
3kg. Fucking hell I'm revolting.
Even my measurements are getting bigger.
Since that Friday I saw my psych, I've eaten to excess 5 out of the 8 days,
with the average over that time period being close to 2000 calories per day.
What. The. Actual. Fuck.
Anorexic? I'm a fucking joke.
I'm an obese piece of shit.
I'm good for nothing.
The thoughts of wanting to die are becoming more and more prevalent inside my head.
I've had enough.
I see my GP tomorrow. I don't know if I can let him weigh me.
I'm scared of what the number will be.
I can't cope with this.
I can't stand the size of me. I can't show a gain.
If I show a gain, people will think I'm okay.
That I'm improving, that I'm feeling and getting better.
This couldn't be further from the actual truth;
I'm so far from okay that I'm ready to die.
I went back to the hospital on Thursday night.
I just felt awful both physically and mentally.
I couldn't cope on my own anymore.
They did some bloods, an ECG and an x-ray.
Everything came back fine, so I was medically cleared and sent home a few hours later.
Where do you go when you can't cope anymore?
When you're finally at a point of needing and being willing to accept help,
What do you do when you're turned away?
I genuinely don't know where to go or who to turn to.
Nobody wants to listen.
I want to die. I can't take this for much longer.
I'm too fat to even deserve help.
There's nothing even wrong with me.
I purged last night and my heart started beating weirdly.
I was home alone. Too scared to tell my family I wasn't okay when they asked.
I didn't want to ruin their time out. They need a break from me.
I don't want to ruin everything.
I have ruined everything.
I shouldn't exist.
I feel so depressed and in so much despair.
Something flicked like a switch inside me last night,
when I was praying out loud, accepting and welcoming death.
Restriction is the only thing that helps; the only way for me to be numb.
To control these feelings of wanting to kill myself.
I'm scared of feeling suicidal. I'm scared of my own thoughts and emotions.
I can't face them.
I'd rather feel safety in numbness than live in fear.
Not eating will (apparently) kill me anyway,
so I might as well numb myself until the end.
Stare at the sun, to see the sublime
Forgetting the light that makes you go blind
Whatever it takes, receive of the light
Terror will take whatever it likes