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Just Chilling


trying really hard to go to school today

Posted by Ethoss , 18 October 2020 · 42 views

I'm getting that feeling like I don't want to go today, I'll just tell my dad I feel sick and stay home. The issue with this is that it's never one day, it always compounds into perhaps a week of missed school, and with exams in only a few weeks, I need to be there so I can study efficiently. I also restricted to around 900 yesterday! Which, yeah, not as...


the entry all about my self harm (tw)

Posted by Ethoss , 17 October 2020 · 56 views

kinda lol? kinda nah? 
Anyway... I relapsed not last night, but the night before, and then did it again last night as well. I used to do it mostly with a pin or a needle, just scratching, and I tried a knife but I don't have one that is sharp enough for my liking and I completely failed at removing the razor from one of the family's shaving thingies....


high restricting because school is kinda evil

Posted by Ethoss , 15 October 2020 · 68 views

Yea, I failed at HSGD, mainly because I wasn't really trying very hard. A part of myself is still hyperfocused and a perfectionist over school, which conflicts with the part of myself who is hyperfocused nad perfectionist about weight. Yes, somehow my perfectionism about weight causes me to binge and gain weight (thanks, God, if you exist, you suck). Sooo...


try try try again

Posted by Ethoss , 10 October 2020 · 48 views

With the horror of yesterdays 5000+ cal binge, today will physically be a lot easier to restrict, I hope. I'm just going to try for a new start, a 400 cal start, to prop me up for HSGD on Monday. Today I'll really try to get up and do stuff, I'm just so disappointed. I'm not really feeling it much now since I'm out of "restrict brain" after a binge that b...


fingers crossed, I guess

Posted by Ethoss , 09 October 2020 · 50 views

After yesterday's 2100 calorie debacle due to a party with friends, I'm glad that I have today and tomorrow to bring the cals down again. I'm going shopping with my dad and also hope to do a bunch of stuff, I'm just kinda nervous about what I'm going to do when I get back to school and whether I'll clean my room, stuff like that. Being around my really th...


Going out with friends nerves

Posted by Ethoss , 08 October 2020 · 60 views

Nervous since a. I'll have to eat with them (hot chips at that) and then my bff is coming back home for a sleepover and sleepovers have snacks and I also can't throw out dinner because she'd be there and that'd be sus as hell. b. I'm still in the first few days of restricting again, so I'm symptomatic as hell (headaches, nausea, hot flushes, feeling...


so... yesterday happened

Posted by Ethoss , 07 October 2020 · 58 views

Yea, I did eat dinner yesterday and ruined my progress for the whole day. Today I've got some new ideas; 1. not going swimming (since I'm restricting so low anyway, and I've read studies that swimming in cold water because it decreases body temperature increases hunger)
2. staying busy with activities
3. not having the stress that caused me to eat (w...


Starting up again, eeee

Posted by Ethoss , 06 October 2020 · 52 views

I've got those day 1 jitters, the mindset of 50/50, "can I really do this?". But, I've got some strategies that have worked in the past and a new HW, so I'm ready to really put some work in again, maybe organise the troops in my brain to co-operate a little more. I wish that I had more easy to spot restriction triggers (I certainly have enough binge trigg...


C'mon girl, DO it

Posted by Ethoss , 28 August 2020 · 58 views

I forgot how hard restriction is! I've been away binging my way to a new highest weight for a few months and I'd completely forgotten how hard this is. I'm trying fasting now, for a few weeks, a week off, 2 weeks, and then a month off. So, that should get me to where I need to be... 
I don't know, I guess I remembered things as easier than they were...


motivation issues

Posted by Ethoss , 14 June 2020 · 77 views

Going to start motivating myself by weighing myself every morning and keeping that number in my mind... because motivation is so hard, I feel. Keeping busy will help, and reminding myself that "I am not my urges" too, but I need another motivation to pull me through. Not dying isn't motivation enough, because I am a bit suicidal, so. I need to see that nu...

October 2020

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