the entry all about my self harm (tw)
kinda lol? kinda nah?
Anyway... I relapsed not last night, but the night before, and then did it again last night as well. I used to do it mostly with a pin or a needle, just scratching, and I tried a knife but I don't have one that is sharp enough for my liking and I completely failed at removing the razor from one of the family's shaving thingies. But, I managed to pretty much completely stop, after I got horribly sunburnt and all my scars faded dramatically as the skin peeled off, and it was kinda like a new opportunity. I also am not as angry anymore, so that trigger has faded away, and for a long time I didn't even think about self harm. But, then, I had a fight with my dad, and I felt that emotion again, and then last night I saw the wound from that and I wanted to create symmetry and a pattern and damn. So, this time I'm not using a tool, just my fingernails, which I guess makes it harder to resist, since I can't throw away my hands, can I? I feel like maybe the wounds are very superficial, like just the skin or whatever, and they don't bleed a lot, and alright, maybe I'll do whatever I can to invalidate this. I haven't dressed either wound because we don't keep bandages in the house, and I'm kinda reckless. I just dk, it's nice to have a little something in reserve, and I keep failing at losing weight, over and over, so in a sense there is a disgust I have for myself. I've had so many months of really trying to lose weight, and yet I can't even do it. Makes me think there's something damn wrong with me.
That's all really, wondering if I'll even try to resist today. It's not that I have a big urge to, but it's that I like the idea of making the pattern complete, as grotesque as that sounds. Cheers.