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The Countdown Begins


i ended this month on a wtf note

Posted by butterfliewingthin , 30 November 2020 · 29 views

like, probably pregnant 
and definitely fat. i was doing really good about thanksgiving, until i boo'd up the remainder of my holiday vacation and now im like at 108 or 110 idk anymore. 
tomorrow i have an endoscopy surgery so i am filled with liquids and then also am just in general bloated and fat, so i won't really be able to tell anything un...


why aren't there scales in hotel bathrooms?

Posted by butterfliewingthin , 27 November 2020 · 49 views

! these are the real questions haha 
so idk what i weight. hopefully still at 103. I did a lot of cooking and tasting sauces yesterday so I hardly ate, did so much cleaning and running around my fitbit said i did 14k steps and 1.4 calories, i'm hoping that offsets whatever i food i did eat. drank much more tho. 
about to drink now! off to the st...


i should probably slow down...

Posted by butterfliewingthin , 26 November 2020 · 50 views

i hit 104.8 today, felt dizzy and gross all day, ugh. it's kind of like i don't clear the haze unless i b/p or eat something easy like some kind of soup or whatever, but it surely is irritating. i had a 'friendsgiving' with some old colleagues from a job i had in Manhattan, NY so i also participated in the eating process and tried to purge what i could af...


it's almost time...

Posted by butterfliewingthin , 25 November 2020 · 38 views

suitcase is packed, outfits on deck, i'm somewhere between 103 and 105...thinking this is gonna be as good as it gets haha... 
i really enjoy my tiny thighs. i really hate being so tired all the time. 
i really like working out, especially today. it was nice to get lost in the work of my own body. i really hate thinking that this will one day hu...



Posted by butterfliewingthin , 23 November 2020 · 43 views

bitchhhh im almost there 
god did i feel ill today, and i didn't really have much of anything but seltzer water, some vodka, and lots of lime juice (like, water, and then i squeeze limes in it, omfg with ice that shit is sooo refreshing and tart - is that an ana thing to say? idk 
anyway, i'm exhausted. tired from sun up to sun down. but i look...


who cares

Posted by butterfliewingthin , 23 November 2020 · 41 views

i can't believe i was so worried about thanksgiving. no one even wants me there. these empty platitudes, those quick to disregard me. the family you are given. the family that you want, out of reach, not looking for you. says they'd be sad if you left. is that much true? 
should i cry? 
i am useless to everyone, or only good for some carnal or m...



Posted by butterfliewingthin , 21 November 2020 · 42 views

guess my b/p after a 5 day FAST did not...go as successful as i hoped. so i might hit the gym idk today. i gotta get up and get dressed first and do the errands i said i would. 
too much to do. i don't want to leave, but i hate it here in ohio too. it's...idk how to explain it. there's anxiety all over me it seems like. one step outside of...


my last friday comfortable at home here under we go holidays

Posted by butterfliewingthin , 20 November 2020 · 40 views

106 today. i have been cutting way down on the alcohol calories and i'm glad for it but i'm also torn between my edibles too. 
i don't like to smoke. don't want my pretty pink lips to turn brown or my lungs to be so black and yucky on the inside, ew 
eating edibles every once in awhile gives me a break from the liquor and actually helps my stoma...


false alarm

Posted by butterfliewingthin , 19 November 2020 · 39 views

nooo jk it was probably me wearing the corset too tightly 
anyway, 105.4 this morning again. i guess body is trying to hunker down but wheewww it'll be a shock when i eat actual food and swallow come thanksgiving. 
though, i'm not as scared about the holiday like i thought i would be, like i was the last few years before. one, because i'll be ac...


i might be dying idk lol

Posted by butterfliewingthin , 19 November 2020 · 48 views

my right side hurts terribly - i think its my liverrr, i might have to go and get another stupid ct scan at the hospital or whatever ugh. i think it was a wonderful thing that i could possibly be dying but does it have to be so expensive?! 
i don't really have much to add today. i woke up feeling really dreamy and nice but my shoulders were in soo mu...

December 2020

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