February 26th 2021
Im so fucking confused and overwhelmed right now i feel like crying but am also happy so i cant but i could cry from how happy i am?
I have been speaking to this boy i used to know from school for about a month now and i really liked him. Were both 20 now and he was so popular in school and always so sweet to me even though i was the creepy girl. He got into druggs and started falling from God but hes been clean for a year now and is in a better place. I just moved back to my little town (where he lives). I didnt move for him by the way. He told me from the start there was another girl he was talking to and I kept talking tohim and hoping. He has been upfront about everything and kept nothing a secret. Tonight i put on all my makeup and straightened my hair and asked him o meet me in the woods like the other night. Last time we just talked and hugged, no kissing or anything. But tonight i planned to take things to third base. This was a stupid mistake! Who am i kidding? Im not some sex goddess or a freaky girl. I have never even kissed someone i wasnt in a long relationship with. I ended up not meeting him which is good. I have known that he was gonna break my heart from the beginning. Im glad i didnt pressure myself into doing that with him. Im not ready.
Tonight i called things off with him romantically so he can be with the other girl and he apologised for leading me on. This happens a lot. Guys i talk to flirt with me non stop but as soon as they realise im terrified of intamacy, they are gone. Sometimes i just feel like im not enough, like why would anyone choose an anorexic disabled girl over a beautiful healthy girl? It almost makes me want to recover but we all know how long that feeling lasts. Sometimes i wish i was born normal so I could understand people. It hurts to be in a group and as soon as you say something people give you funny looks.
But something strange also happened tonight.
I have this friend, lets call him Jester. We have been internet friends for around 6 years. Theres a group of us. He lives the other end of England so i cant really just go to his house and see him. We have never really been too close but hes one of those guys where every time he spoke about his girlfriend i thought "wow imagine finding somebody to love you that much". Everyone who knows him knows he is too good for this earth. He has always told me im beautiful (innocently). But tonight he was telling me beautiful things and made me feel like the only girl in the world. I know if things didnt workout with him i would be crushed. I know i could fall so far into love with him and that scares me quite a bit. I also know we would be amazing together. I am so confused though because i only just broke up with another person from that friend group. It was a long fucking time coming though.....whore. Anyways Im going to decide wether to stay guarded or fall completely for Jester tomorrow after i sleep. I need to stay up to fix my sleeping pattern.
Thankyou for reading and God bless you