March 2nd 2021
I woke up at 12am today cos i went to bed so early. The past few days me and my dad have been painting my old bedroom so i can move back into it. Sleeping in my brothers room is weird, i wake up disoriented and dont know where the fuck i am until i look around a little. The other night i had a weird panic attack unlike the others. I still had that falling feeling but this time thr room was spinning and i was just lying down. Its like when your really drunk and trying to sleep. So now i sleep with the lights on like i was doing back in glasgow. I am writing a book now. I gave the idea and a longish summary to a few friends and they were actually suprised i can write when i put my mind to it. When my room is done ill get two rabbits to live in there with me. I cant work for a while and rabbits seem good for the mentally ill. I think ill feel guilty when my rabbits watch me cry eat. I dont wanna be like this forever but the fear of gaining is worse. All my friends are so short and skinny and cute and i am 5'6. I need to quit smoking its fucking gross i hate it. I have been chatting with two guys recently and its a proper headfuck, neither of them live near me. One i have known for years and hes a sweetheart but i think i might be a rebound or just sexual to him? The other guy is really sweet and respectful but still makes the odd joke (he is a guy after all). He knew instantly i had weight problems. Hes really active and he asked me how much i weighed and we weigh the same.....He has dwarfism. I hate the fact we cant heal things quickly, i have two dark purple scars on the back of my heels from blisters cos i walk alot to loose. My ex is being a fucking bitch and im glad i broke up with that whore. How can you cheat under the same blanket as your girlfriend? I think my heart is too big i feel way too many emotions.