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helium's blog


"You don't look healthy'' - bmi 15,7 - recovery?

Posted by helium , 08 December 2021 · 53 views

Yesterday I saw the psychologist from the ed team. My boyfriend went with me as support. It was such a rollercoaster but mostly in a positive way. I was afraid that she wouldn't understand me because I had such a bad experience with the so called treatment I got in my teens. But holy moly, she asked us a couple of questions and it didn't even seem to make...


Finally 48 kg

Posted by helium , 03 December 2021 · 67 views

48,1 and a bmi of 16,1. Soon I’ll be in the 15’s. Feels good to ser the 8, and hopefully soon the 7, but my thighs and calves are still pretty thick… Can almost wrap my hand around my upper arm though, I’m literally no more than 2 mm away from my fingers to touch.


I am so tired, my bones do ache

Posted by helium , 30 November 2021 · 72 views

Let's not pretend I invented that entry title all by myself because I stole it from a Days n Daze song called Little Blue Pills...  
Anyway. I can't sleep a whole night because my body keeps waking me up screaming "Hey, I'm uncomfortable! Change position or I'll make you feel like you're 80 years old about to die". My stomach hurts too. Not from the...



Posted by helium , 29 November 2021 · 68 views

Ugh, I think it's been more than a week since I had a bm. I've been keeping my intake low (200-600 calories per day) and should therefore weigh less than 49 kg by now, but the scale says I'm 50.1 kg all of a sudden. I know it takes 7000 calories to gain a kg so I know it's not fat, but it is still bugging me because I don't get to know my actual weight. P...


Even thinspo is too fat

Posted by helium , 28 November 2021 · 122 views

I went on google and searched for thinspo for the first time in years. The same old pictures I used to post on tumblr 2012 appeared but this time I was like "What? This isn't skinny". I found that I didn't wish to swap bodies with any of the girls on the pictures, I just didn't find them thin enough. In fact, I thought that most of them looked slim but no...


"My girlfriend is a skeleton"

Posted by helium , 25 November 2021 · 203 views

Yesterday, me and my boyfriend had a talk. I could tell that something was bothering him and asked what was on his mind. At first, he didn't want to talk about it and said that he didn't know what was wrong. I knew, however. I said "It's me, right? I'm pretending everything is fine and it frustrates you because you know it's all bullshit". I was right. I...


Weight update

Posted by helium , 24 November 2021 · 107 views

49 kg now. Haven't had a bm for about 2-3 days and coffee just doesn't do it anymore, so I don't know if there is any extra weight or if I am as fat as I look. Bmi 16,4 anyway. I got away with only eating breakfast yesterday (about 200 calories) but I feel bad because I straight up lied to my boyfriend. I'm used to lying to everyone, saying that I already...


Losing weight but getting fatter

Posted by helium , 22 November 2021 · 99 views

I was 49,5 kg this morning, which gives me a bmi of 16,59 (new bmi) or 16,73 (old bmi). I felt good for about 30 seconds but then I walked to the mirror and a fucking hippo was looking back at me and the good feeling vanished. Since my last recovery attempt I've lost 8-9 kg but it just doesn't show. If anything, I look even worse now. My legs should be sp...


How am I still fat?

Posted by helium , 20 November 2021 · 109 views

I am 50 kg with a bmi of 16,7 but I look NOTHING like that. People are talking about bdd but the thing is, I'm 110% sure that I don't have that. I've looked at myself in so many mirrors, in photos, in videos... It's not just that I "feel fat" because even in photos or videos where I am with other people, I can see clearly how big I look amongst them. It m...


Elvanse makes me a superhuman

Posted by helium , 15 October 2021 · 89 views

It's almost surreal how different my life has become now that I'm on elvanse. I can suddenly do simple tasks that most people would take for granted. I've been able to go to school and participate in every class, as well as understand what the teacher is talking about. I've also been able to do homework and managed to hand in everything in time. Before el...

December 2021

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