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Stuffed and empty.

Posted by NotAnIssue , 22 April 2021 · 42 views

I was 130 today. Notice the WAS in that sentence because I baked snickerdoodle cookies and ate quite a bit so I might maintain or gain just a little.

 

I realized last night that 130 is half-way to my ultimate goal weight of 120. But... I thought about reaching 120, how long it would take me, ect, and I don't wanna stop. I can't stop. 120 seemed like a perfect goal a while ago, but just big now. I wanna keep going. Eating 800 calories a day. Stressing about food. It gives me something else to focus on during the day. And I feel like now, I'm starting to rely on my eating habits to get through the day.

 

Maybe I do have a problem.

 

I always considered myself an outlier of this community.
"I don't have an E.D.. I don't have enough willpower. I'm too big for anorexia.
I'm fine"
But I'm starting to feel that when I reach 120- I'll want 110
Then 100
Then 90
I have a problem

 

But I can't make myself believe it.





June 2021

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