Lately I have felt very trapped in my own mind. My BPD has been surfacing in ways I haven't anticipated. Living without the person you care about IS hard. I've felt on autopilot. As if I am not in control of my body, and that I don't have consequences. I don't feel human. I cannot believe this is me. Who is this? I don't recognize myself.
None of it feels real. Ever since he left I have truly gone insane. It's become one big episode of transferring my love for him and trying to dump it on another person. The worst part about this whole thing, is the novelty has worn off. There's quite a few interesting, charming, or good looking individuals on my campus, but I CANNOT feel excited over them. At the absolute best, I can feel, "oh nice, this is a pleasant feeling," and that's it.
I no longer feel the excitement and the energy and that addictive feeling. I just feel blank. Like I don't exist. My relationship with him has robbed me of my humanity. Was it worth it? Now I know it was not. I feel like I lost a part of my soul, really.
I just want to feel happy. That's all I want. I just want to wake up one day and feel partially human. It's my one wish. He won't stop haunting me. Everyday, everything I do is frozen in that time in my life. Mentally I have yet to move past any of these heavy hitting traumatic experiences. How could I? It was too much all at once. It was overwhelming. I was just trying to survive, I couldn't unpack it all at once. Every day is a challenge, I am just trying to make better of it. Slowly.