oct 13, 2021
wow im super tired bc ive been working on a 2000 word paper, so this update will be mostly short and sweet
today i weighed in this morning at 42.8. I'm fairly significantly under my safe weight and i need to be 43.5 in like? two days now, so i decided to up my calories to 1400.
here's what i ate:
choco pie: 170 cal
protein bar: 200 cal
chips: 400 cal
chicken quesadilla: 600 cal
ice cream: 500 cal
yeah, yeah i know thats not 1400. i finished my dinner (the chicken quesadilla) and weighed myself to find i was barely over my safe weight. so i decided, screw it. im going to eat that ice cream ive been saving. after that i still weighed in at only 43.3. honestly, i feel like i usually lose between 0.2kg to 0.5kg overnight, so i wouldn't be surprised if i woke up either under my safe weight or very close to it, so honestly. i just don't care.
i had a terrible dream last night that i spiraled out of control. i couldn't keep my weight at something stable and i was forced to go to treatment. my mom was heartbroken and treatment was painful. it stuck with me for a while after i woke up. i don't want that. so screw it. ill eat the extra 500kcal even if it means i gain a tiny amount of weight.
good night everyone