Why I want to try antidepressants
I've called my doctor yesterday and got an appointment to discuss my options for antidepressants.
For as long as I remember I have struggled with wanting my existence to end.
Saying for my life to end bears too much meaning - the friendships to end, the family members to mourn, the people who never really knew you - to pretend they did.
I have no idea what's on the other side, but the possibility that I would be able to witness all of the above like a movie, without being able to interfere, not being able to soothe the pain, to calm a cry, to explain my reasons for things. That seems like hell.
On the other hand, my existence to end - feels more like a clean wipe out from existence. From the past, from the present, from the future. Nobody gets hurt because you can't get sad over losing something that never existed. You wouldn't even know, feel, understand that you lost something.
That's how I would like to go if I could.
But I can't. I have to live. I have family, I have sisters, I have friends. I know the pain they would have to endure - because I almost lost my sister to suicide this year.
It was heart-tearing, hole-in-your-stomach, head-spinning, can't-believe-I-didn't-see-it, kind of pain. And even though she survived, the pain and fear, and guilt never left.
So here I am - here I stay - in the land of the living, trying to make myself a better person, just so that I can be there for the ones I love. Just so that I can help them in their time of need.
Can't help the drowning if I'm drowning myself.
So I'm learning to swim.
- kissmyabs likes this