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Sharing Our Poetry and Prose

everyone share ILiveToMosh poetry prose writing expression no judgement

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#81 anotherhollowdoll

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Posted 28 November 2017 - 07:05 PM

He tossed me a cigarette and told me
"Self destruction is empowering"
The words he said coated my lungs
in a layer of black tar as I smoked
My shaking hands caressed my arms
In the crooks of my elbow and
The scars below it

I snuffed out the smoke with my shoe
And tried to wash the taste out of my mouth with a bottle of vodka
My entire life has been one tragic theme of collapsing happiness,
but was it ever really empowering?

Was it empowering to live each day like you were already dead in hopes one day you'd have the guts to finally do it?

Was is a blessing to starve away your thoughts in hopes to transform yourself into something you could never be?

Was is worth it to count every step you take and miss every crack because one rhyme torn your young world apart as a kid and now you can't live without fear of killing your parents?

I don't think so.

It takes everything in you to kill yourself slowly. To to cross the street without looking. To swallow handfuls of pills on dark nights and lay on beds of razors on even darker ones. To know exactly who you're hurting in the process and not giving a damn. To live your life as though it's you're last and to celebrate the end because goddammit at least you'll finally feel something.

You have built your own crooked life on top of a house of broken glass and called it home. And that is not something to be proud of.
  • ILiveToMosh likes this
~ throw me in the dirt and stomp, I belong with the worms ~
I just wanted to feel like I existed but I soon wanted to disappear

#82 anotherhollowdoll

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Posted 28 November 2017 - 07:06 PM

They ask me what it's like
To rise from the dead
To be torn from your grave
To have your own decaying carcass
Filled back to the brim with light
So bright it blinds you.

It's terrifying
Coming back
Your hypothermic heart
Gets restarted and you slowly collapse
Under the feeling of your own life coming back to you

No one ever told me what it was like to die
It's peaceful
It's a warm blanket wrapping you up
It's your mothers arms holding onto you one last time

But coming back?
It is acid in your veins
It is gasping at any air entering your deflated lungs
It is the worst pain you can imagine
And it is all yours
There is nothing the doctors can do
There is no diagnosis
That stops the pain in your heart
From banging on the cage of your ribs
Willing to get out

Poked and prodded by questioning doctors
Sighing and scanning for a root cause
An open wound to blame for all the blood staining their hands

And the doctor wonder where they went wrong
Infections running so deep no antibiotics can fix

There is no cure
Only momentary releases in which some feeling can return
But you're never fully alive again
  • ILiveToMosh likes this
~ throw me in the dirt and stomp, I belong with the worms ~
I just wanted to feel like I existed but I soon wanted to disappear

#83 anotherhollowdoll

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Posted 28 November 2017 - 07:06 PM

The Art Of Dying

The first thing you lose
Is your voice.
You can no longer
Say anything.
You can't begin
To describe what's happening,
Let alone call for help.

Next is smell.
Fresh cut grass,
Grandmother's baking,
Your dad's cologne,
Means nothing,
And stirs no sense of comfort.

Then taste goes.
Your appetite vanishes.
Food sickens you.
Even the thought
Makes your hollow stomach ache.

Soon after
You lose the ability to hear.
Only white noise
Escapes the mouths
Of unfamiliar faces;
And words lose all meaning.

Last to go
Is touch.
You no longer feel anything.
No warmth penetrates you
As your mother
Hugs your lifeless decaying carcass.
You can't feel the sting
Of fire's kiss.
Or a blade accidentally
Piercing flesh.

There is no beauty
In wasting away.
In cold days
Of only darkness.
No senses - defenceless
Against the world, or yourself.
Finding solace only
In the realization
That soon
It will be
Over.
  • ILiveToMosh and reflections. like this
~ throw me in the dirt and stomp, I belong with the worms ~
I just wanted to feel like I existed but I soon wanted to disappear

#84 OMANKO

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Posted 01 December 2017 - 07:00 PM

Subtext

 

ego tripping on an air mattress

he talks about his dreams and i feel guilty for not sharing them

big names and big cities and naiveté

he followed her to new york and i’ll follow him until he breaks my bones,

he told me his dreams but he followed her to the city and i’ll follow him

with my pride in the pit of my stomach

                    he followed her to the city and it makes me sick.

acid creeps into my mouth and I swallow it

TV fetuses, two restless bodies drawn to all the shiny things

she’s a meteor, she’s got star quality, she’s a magnet, she’s a winner!!!!!!!!!!

 

i have my blonde ambition and my vices and my pride burning a hole in my chest and

the ice has melted in my coffee and i’ll drink it anyway and i have my spine, my shell, my skeleton

 

i’m a winner, babe

just not yours


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chronic orthorexia + an/bp

IBS-A, adhd and bipolar ii

taking life one day at a time, currently relapsing

711ac3ac54046c9beeced563b7e05693.jpg

 

height   5'6

LW       101

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CW       108

 accountability

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#85 OMANKO

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Posted 01 December 2017 - 07:02 PM

Afterbirth I

 

I’ve got the bull by the horns and I’m

chasing it through the stratosphere

At the center of every black hole

there is red.









 

Afterbirth II

 

I started looking at the world through glassy eyes

and through the looking-glass I went.

I saw myself searching for light in the darkest of places-

the blackest denim

the top shelf of my closet

the gleam of blown-out pupils

the shadow filling the space behind my collarbone

and the weight of a bad bad brain crushing my spine like an anvil

hunger without drive

brick without mortar

fear without reason

and tea without milk.

 

There is something very, very soothing

about taking the girl I used to be

and shoving her headfirst down the garbage disposal until her bones break like toothpicks.

 

Snap- goodbye brown hair!

Snap- goodbye dirt-striped nails!

Snap- goodbye neon shoes with no laces!

 

I cracked open my skull like a seashell

and fell in love with the Venus that rose from within-

This new girl,

superego deified,

buries the hatchet in the back of her old self.

 

This new girl

does not put her fist through mirrors.

Instead she bores tunnels in them with her eyes

until there is a hole big enough to climb through

This new girl runs into the storm with her hands tied behind her back

and when the rain gets too heavy

she crawls under plastic orange bottles

with white labels and white pills and white white lies

This new girl tells her secrets to strangers

and jumps into moving traffic

This new girl opens her skin with her fingernails to let the outside in

This new girl bites her lip and tastes pennies

This new girl is Icarus flying too close to the sun

This new girl opens the door to the wolves

And offers them the bone of lives past.


  • ILiveToMosh likes this

chronic orthorexia + an/bp

IBS-A, adhd and bipolar ii

taking life one day at a time, currently relapsing

711ac3ac54046c9beeced563b7e05693.jpg

 

height   5'6

LW       101

HW       135

CW       108

 accountability

my tumblr


#86 beebohelp

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Posted 16 December 2017 - 10:59 PM

These were really, really good

Sent from Omicron Persei-8

omg thank u so much  :o


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pls click on my bbs right here! 
CLICK ON MY BOIS 1duCj.gif 07h7S.gifgR8vt.gif

Spoiler

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#87 ILiveToMosh

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Posted 03 February 2018 - 11:16 PM

Bringing it back holy shit!


Desmond

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#88 ILiveToMosh

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Posted 03 February 2018 - 11:16 PM

Posting everything on my computer

May have reposts

Idkkkkkk


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#89 ILiveToMosh

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Posted 03 February 2018 - 11:19 PM

OK

So these are from like 5 years ago holy shit and yeah I said "ana" and "mia" don't ask me why yeah it's semi-unbearable I wanna shoot myself in the fucking teeth it's so ridiculous but anyway, this is how I expressed myself back then and no matter how much I hate it, it's still "valid"


Desmond

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#90 ILiveToMosh

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Posted 03 February 2018 - 11:19 PM

Ana is Red
 
What is the color of love? Red.
What is the color of Ana? Red.
Also, she is clear, for the water you drink.
And then red again, from the blood in the sink.
Then she is blue, for the sadness you feel.
Then she is black, a color that is not real.
Maybe then she is yellow, there are good days too.
And maybe a pink day, for when you hit 102.
Then she is red from your eyes, and trembling lip.
And she becomes a brown scab traced on your wrist.
Then Ana is a dark shade of lonely, seen in your room.
Then she is grey. Ana is a tomb.
(2013)

Desmond

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198.4 / 36.3 (12.1.2020)


#91 ILiveToMosh

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Posted 03 February 2018 - 11:19 PM

Angel
 
You lead me to see colors not yet in existence,
Then you leave me and I suspect they were figments.
The roses unborn will rot forever,
Dying each second we are not together.
I’m loving the plunging of this warm abyss.
I’m loving the solace in loving you like this.
I’m so alone with you, come closer my dear!
Let me clasp your hand, your heart, or ear!
Your soul, better yet. Yes, I’d much like that.
And when I wring it and stain it, know where my heart’s really at.
It’s with you, with you, only with you. You minx, you roach, you cur!
You foul, foul, boy, not yet a man, leaving my senses blurred!
I was once a lady, a damsel, a maiden.
Now I am lewd, brusque, craven.
I am scared for your departure, I must see you daily.
I must see your smile to breathe; I drink it in gaily.
The name of an angel. Gabriel.
I saw you, loved you, and kissed where you fell.
I took your hand and we waltzed by moonlight.
You left; you were done with me, and gone by sunlight.
While dancing in the stars, I tripped on a galaxy.
I plummet, gaining speed, believing this fallacy.
I see you in a cloud; I close my eyes and smile.
I splatter on pavement; parts spread by miles.
(2013)

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Desmond

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#92 ILiveToMosh

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Posted 03 February 2018 - 11:20 PM

Anything Nothing Everything
 
I want to be thin more than anything.
Gabe will go. People will go. Ana will remain.
I carry this meat-sack seven days a week.
I am fat and distended even in my sleep.
I must prove to Ana, I must prove to myself.
I will be better today, where yesterday I fell.
Food is not too good for me; I am too good for food.
One day I will see the shell of my fat where it stood.
Thrust beauty upon me, Ana. But only when I have earned it.
Hunger is only temporary, beauty is permanent.
TRUE beauty is! It is, I decree!
Take it from Ana! Take it from me!
No matter what age, color, or height,
You can be thin, as long as you fight!
Forsake the rotting food, always one day closer to expiration.
Forsake the jealous friends, and their hidden admiration.
Forsake ANY and ALL who don’t want you to be thin!
Forsake the entire world and the gluttony therein!
Forsake the non-believers and those against Ana’s light!
Forsake the broken bleeders, and what they think is right!
Try to lose more weight; try with all your might.
Shut your eyes on your tears, and lock them up tight.
Don’t worry, little baby, you’re going to be alright.
Just starve one more day! Stay with Ana tonight.
(2013)

Desmond

Current Weight and BMI

198.4 / 36.3 (12.1.2020)


#93 ILiveToMosh

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Posted 03 February 2018 - 11:20 PM

omfg the cringe is real, y'all

save me

holy shit


Desmond

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198.4 / 36.3 (12.1.2020)


#94 ILiveToMosh

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Posted 03 February 2018 - 11:20 PM

Believe it or Not, This is a Love Poem
 
I rule with a golden fist and a goblet of p-.
I sear the flesh of the infidels and drink it in bliss.
Show me your f- face. I c- on your lips.
I slice the throat of the ones I love and I paint with their blood on my fingertips.
There’s blood in our glasses, but what can make me smile?
Group up my demons, and heap them into a funeral pile.
Put them on a plate for me to eat.
Tell me that one day I will feel complete.
Tell me that I’m f- up and somebody cares.
And I’ll have just one more rotting carcass that isn’t really there.
You talk behind my back whiee! I’m right beside you.
And know that you’re as f- up as I am, because I am inside you.
Have fun trying to escape yourself. And if you can; tell me how.
Otherwise, stop fretting; and sleep with this blade now.
Put it under your pillow. Just in case.
You may feel like killing yourself when you wake.
That happens… Sometimes… A lot of the time… EVERY FUCKING DAY.
It’s normal for me and everyone else to feel this way.
Kill me. Sniff my scars. Cut my baby. I’m on my knees!
Suffocate the stars for all eternity. How are they flaming?
Don’t tell me that I am a moth. I would be
A butterfly if I wanted to be.
I’m fat and ugly, but I have soft fur.
I’m a bunny who doesn’t care if you leave me for her.
You’re the f- adhesive I can’t get off my hands.
You’re the blood flowing from my salivary glands.
You’re the reason I have a f- headache now.
I’m gonna f- kill you. And this is f- how.
I’ll take all the broken bleeders of society.
And tell them you are the reason they are crying.
You are the reason kids have polio, AIDS, and cancer.
You are the reason why we will never have the answer.
They’ll cut out your tongue for all the lies told.
Like life being fair, or us being happy when we grow old.
You can’t even read this because I’m f- crazy.
I guess I’ll just do it. I’m being lazy.
I’ll put dirt in your skin, and bathe you in butter.
You’ll have pustules through your skin. Do you
look better than me? Do you feel
better than me? Do you enjoy seeing
what you’ve turned me into? Do you
even f- understand what your
hate has put me through? I’ve turned
into someone that swallows air
and eats pain because I can’t eat real
food again. I love feeling empty because
it’s the only thing I know. I love cutting
into my flesh real, real slow.
Tell me when I’ll be good enough.
How many times will I have to write this stuff?
What will I have to weigh?
What do I have to f- say?
What color should my eyes be?
GODDAMN IT! JUST. F-. LOVE. ME.
I’m destroying myself to be perfect.
Then there’s going to be nothing left and I’ll be worthless.
I’ll be a skeleton covered in scars.
I’ll be a clump of blood playing a guitar.
I’ll be that stupid wh- I see in the mirror.
I’ll be that figure in the dark I wish I could see clearer. 
I’ll be that satin sash weighed down with blood.
I’ll be that imperfect being you could never love.
(2013)

Desmond

Current Weight and BMI

198.4 / 36.3 (12.1.2020)


#95 ILiveToMosh

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Posted 03 February 2018 - 11:21 PM

Elope
 
Time seems to slip through my fingers,
No matter how hard I clasp.
What have I lived? What do I remember?
Is it real what time has passed?
I awoke and found myself living in despair,
Writhing in madness, in ever-growing darkness;
Losing my soul and mind in some solemn nightmare,
Enveloping my heart in its caress.
In what land can I find hope,
And where can I open my eyes?
For it all I could not elope,
I can only in the end despise.
(2012 ?)

Desmond

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198.4 / 36.3 (12.1.2020)


#96 ILiveToMosh

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Posted 03 February 2018 - 11:22 PM

Fall Apart
 
I cut sometimes just to bleed.
That’s how I know I’ve fallen.
They take and take and take from me
And shit is all I’ve gotten.
I’m a failure, a coward, a damn pissant.
I look and feel like shit.
I wish I had smaller lips, smaller hips, smaller pant.
If my body were smaller, I would stop hurting it.
But that isn’t the case.
I know this is what I deserve.
I feel my heartbeat in my stomach and face.
The Worthless One craves food. Pain is what I serve.
Sink down into your soul.
Get comfy. It won’t be there long.
Is it cold in that hole?
Breathe life with your pitiful song.
Whine into yourself, and at what you’ve become.
Why were you ever this weak?
Correct yourself and all that you’ve done.
Starve and cut and cry until you are complete.
Baby, when I am a skeleton.
I’ll cut my way back into your heart.
You will love me when I’m thin.
Then I will fall apart.
(2012-2013 I really have no idea)

Desmond

Current Weight and BMI

198.4 / 36.3 (12.1.2020)


#97 ILiveToMosh

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Posted 03 February 2018 - 11:22 PM

Flame
 
A worn life is like an extinguished match.
Black, corroded, protein gone.
Past prime; an expiration date no-one sees.
Worthless, no use to anyone. Just wait in the trash.
I’ll be there soon.
 
You were a match. You lit your surroundings.
Your smile burned my eyes and your embrace scorched my soul.
Where has your light gone?
Where are you? Why can’t I find you?
It’s dark, and the flame has gone out.
It’s cold. I am so very cold.
 
I will paint with the ashes of a life gone up in smoke.
It will be sad. It will be hopeful.
It will give calm, and it will be beautiful.
Fire will give life and death
And I will embrace the pain of its flame.
 
The rain of these woods quenches flame.
He is parched. He needs water to breathe.
The smoke of once burning trees fills the
Air with the scent of dying nature.
It fills my nostrils, and the aroma stains my soul.
 
(This one is old af, 2012 maybe earlier)

Desmond

Current Weight and BMI

198.4 / 36.3 (12.1.2020)


#98 ILiveToMosh

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Posted 03 February 2018 - 11:23 PM

I Know You Are But What am I?
 
You are trash. I too, am trash.
Perchance, that is why we clash.
Do you wish each second you were dying?
And spend each living second crying?
Does your heart beat rarely,
Or never at all?
Do you beat yourself fairly?
Or does one side take it all?
I find myself taking favorites.
Does that mean I love it, or hate it more?
I just noticed I have never cut my armpits.
I’m almost absolutely sure.
I’ve also never cut my tongue.
Funny, I figure I should have cut that first.
Or shot it with a nail gun;
Just to laugh at how much it hurts.
I am blubber.
You are cool.
I’m… Actually still blubber,
And you’re still cool.
My eyes are black; like my hair, nails, and skin.
My heart bleeds for the lost pens.
I find nothing within.
I think I’ve gained a friend.
(2012-2013)

Desmond

Current Weight and BMI

198.4 / 36.3 (12.1.2020)


#99 ILiveToMosh

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Posted 03 February 2018 - 11:23 PM

Morsel
 
Time is of the essence. Time. Time. Time.
Time. Days. Days. Days. Days of eating not a dime.
Not a dime, not a droplet. Not a morsel of food.
The morsel which determines whether I’m bad or good.
(2012 or 2013)

Desmond

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198.4 / 36.3 (12.1.2020)


#100 ILiveToMosh

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Posted 03 February 2018 - 11:24 PM

No Inside
 
What good is mass with no inside?
Only bone; I'm sure I've died.
Food to breathe; breathe to die;
Jutting bones; sunken eyes.
Vacant face; expressionless.
I hate the way I look undressed.
Stomach turning; mind reeling.
Throat burning; this feeling—
Leaves much to be desired;
Sets my heart and soul afire.
Ana whispers in my ear.
Mia plunges me into a state of fear.
I hate food; I hate myself.
I hate seeing my kitchen shelf.
I hate my scale; it laughs at me.
Exercise to no avail; will I ever be set free?
(~2012)

Desmond

Current Weight and BMI

198.4 / 36.3 (12.1.2020)




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