Posted 08 May 2018 - 07:17 PM
So, today my mother surprisingly came home with Freebirds (a burrito place) without me knowing, so I was already freaking out since I had no idea what she got me. Thankfully, she got me a vegan salad bowl. I managed to find the total caloric count on MFP before I started eating, which equaled 390 cals. This was the first meal I had all day and oh my god it was so good.
But... I only got half-way through when my anxiety started to settle in, and Ana's voice began screaming at me. Now, I feel horrible and guilty. I couldn't finish the serving and I just feel bloated and gross. I'm trying not to cry and freak out because my parents are still in the living room while I'm at my study area near them.
I'm chugging water but I can't calm down. And, I know in reality, I didn't eat that much. Especially with the calories. But my damned disordered ass and shrunken stomach has me on the edge.
I just want some help or tips to help me calm down. I'm so close to my goal weight and I don't want to screw this up.
"I have voices in my head that whisper and urge me to keep the poison out of my stomach. The loudest one is my friend, Ana. She helps me and will love me more when I am thinner. She is my best friend and holds my hand to lead me down the path I need to go in order to achieve my goal. Ana is there for me."
"Denying yourself food is not true deprivation - never being thin is."
"Do it for every time you cried over your body. Do it for every time you hated what you saw in the mirror. Do it for the thin body and double-takes. Do it for yourself. Stay strong, and loose that weight."
"I'm not there yet, but I'm closer than I was yesterday."
"Next time you're about to loose control, 'Do you want hipbones, or junk food?'"
"I want to be so weak that I can barely lift my head."
Coheed and Cambria Lyrics:
"Pain is only a pulse if you stop feeling it"
"Feel it as it goes. Does it feel good to let go?"
"Caged, locked in a perpetual motion, carving our wounds wide open, but you let the wrong one in"
:"I embrace your defects to confess you were my every wish"
"I wish goddammit, we'll make it if you believe"
"Debate to understand that we all have a flaw, then fail to represent life as you know it"
"We're now, up here alone, terror on the intercom. Can someone save us?"
"Man your own jackhammer"
"Are you well in the suffering?"
SW: 116 lbs
CW: 91.2 lbs
1GW: 96 lbs
2GW: 94 lbs
3GW: 90 lbs
4GW: 88 lbs
UGW: 85 lbs
Height: 5' 2"