So I've just finished binging on my 3rd day straight of takeaway. Which is a bit shit. It's got to the point where i ring up the pizza and burger place, they say my address and ask if that's me (even though they know it is) i'll say yeah and then they'll say my order before I've even said it to them. So here's how it goes.....
Me: *rings takeaway*
Takeaway place: XXX, XXXXXXX road?
Takeaway place: Veggie burger with lettuce and ketchup, large onion rings, can of vimto and large curly fries? Be there in about 30 mins.
Me: that's great thanks.
So that happens a couple of times a week. Well so far this week i'm at 3 times. Which is a bit shit and they've all been on consecutive days. So yeah i need to stop doing that. Thursday, Friday and Saturday, fingers crossed i don't do it again tomorrow. At least i mixed it up tonight and said i'd collect it, which is also bad because i couldn't deal with waiting the 30 mins. My life is so sad right now.
That's not even all of it, i need to confess something. I'll give you a mini backstory on this, I'm meant to be a vegan but i always binge on dairy containing products when i'm binging but I've never binged on non vegetarian foods/ containing foods before. Well it happened, the other day i ate some drumstick lollies, which if you weren't aware contain gelatin which isn't vegetarian. It's animals. Either beef or pork it didn't specify. And i only noticed this half way through but when i noticed I DIDN'T STOP! This may not sound like much of a big deal to you guys but it's HUGE to me. I feel like i'm a fraud. This will never EVER happen again.
And i haven't logged onto my online courses in months. Which is fucking wonderful. My social worker paid over £1000 for these courses and i'm not even bothering to try with them, which makes me feel like a failure.
I keep on pissing myself, which is great for my self esteem and confidence as you can imagine. (Sarcasm) And it's not even like i'm weeing a little bit, i'm full on going for a piss in my pants, accidentally. All of my leggings stink of piss and i'm running out of clothes that aren't soaked with it. And it's even worse that i hardly ever shower or have a bath. Like i had a bath for the first time in weeks on Wednesday and it'll probably be a while until i do it again.
I hate myself, my hallucinations are back with a vengeance and my therapist thinks they're not around as much if at all anymore. And while i'm on the topic of therapy, that's going fucking great, and by great i mean it's going down like a lead balloon. My last session is on Wednesday because my therapist is leaving but i bet he's glad that i won't be his problem anymore, because i'm beyond help. I'm not getting better, i'm not functioning. It's all going to shit basically.
And I've been trying to claim benefits and get on disability payments. I've had two letters through and one said they can't pay me and the other one says that they can and have started to. They haven't, i checked. And when i went to the dr's to get a sick note so i can claim disability (ESA for you English peeps) the dr was a total bitch and she basically said that i'm being lazy and don't want to work. And why can't i get a job (like everyone else). So that went great.
It's going great, so great that i'm desperate to start cutting again and would give anything to. So great that i'm starting to think the world would be better off if I was DEAD. I turned 18 on Monday and it's Saturday now, and i was in such a different mind frame on Monday/Tuesday and i know what you're thinking, ''if it changed so quickly this time round then it might go back good quickly'' and i would honestly love for that to be the case but that never happens.
I wish that i would get into some horrific freak accident and die. Only so that then people wouldn't think i gave up. I have given up but they don't need to know that. I don't want people to think i haven't tried, god I've tried so FUCKING HARD. The truth is, i'm just fed up of hurting. I'm hurting so bad and i don't know if i can take this anymore. I've been begging god to just please let me die. I don't feel safe from myself. I don't want to be safe from myself. God i'm going out of my mind wanting to cut.
And i don't feel strong enough to even try anymore. I just want to crawl into a hole and die. And i know that some part of me must be holding on but i don't know where that part is. I don't know why i've written all of this, I think i just want someone to say that i'm not alone. I don't need to hear it's all going to be okay, because i have evidence to suggest otherwise (personal experience). I just want someone to tell me that it's okay to let go. That if you are hurting as bad as i am that sometimes holding on isn't for the best, that sometimes it's better to stop fighting. But i also know i'm unlikely to get that response off of anyone.
But yeah, thanks if you read all of that and sorry for writing the longest post ever.