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So my life's going great...not.

bulimic bulimia fucking up my life FML failing at life

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#1 Fatandaliveorthinanddead

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Posted 26 May 2018 - 03:31 PM

So I've just finished binging on my 3rd day straight of takeaway. Which is a bit shit. It's got to the point where i ring up the pizza and burger place, they say my address and ask if that's me (even though they know it is) i'll say yeah and then they'll say my order before I've even said it to them. So here's how it goes.....

 

Me: *rings takeaway*

Takeaway place: XXX, XXXXXXX road?

Me: yeah 

Takeaway place: Veggie burger with lettuce and ketchup, large onion rings, can of vimto and large curly fries? Be there in about 30 mins.

Me: that's great thanks.

 

So that happens a couple of times a week. Well so far this week i'm at 3 times. Which is a bit shit and they've all been on consecutive days. So yeah i need to stop doing that. Thursday, Friday and Saturday, fingers crossed i don't do it again tomorrow. At least i mixed it up tonight and said i'd collect it, which is also bad because i couldn't deal with waiting the 30 mins. My life is so sad right now.

 

That's not even all of it, i need to confess something. I'll give you a mini backstory on this, I'm meant to be a vegan but i always binge on dairy containing products when i'm binging but I've never binged on non vegetarian foods/ containing foods before. Well it happened, the other day i ate some drumstick lollies, which if you weren't aware contain gelatin which isn't vegetarian. It's animals. Either beef or pork it didn't specify. And i only noticed this half way through but when i noticed I DIDN'T STOP! This may not sound like much of a big deal to you guys but it's HUGE to me. I feel like i'm a fraud. This will never EVER happen again.

 

And i haven't logged onto my online courses in months. Which is fucking wonderful. My social worker paid over £1000 for these courses and i'm not even bothering to try with them, which makes me feel like a failure.

 

I keep on pissing myself, which is great for my self esteem and confidence as you can imagine. (Sarcasm) And it's not even like i'm weeing a little bit, i'm full on going for a piss in my pants, accidentally. All of my leggings stink of piss and i'm running out of clothes that aren't soaked with it. And it's even worse that i hardly ever shower or have a bath. Like i had a bath for the first time in weeks on Wednesday and it'll probably be a while until i do it again. 

 

I hate myself, my hallucinations are back with a vengeance and my therapist thinks they're not around as much if at all anymore. And while i'm on the topic of therapy, that's going fucking great, and by great i mean it's going down like a lead balloon. My last session is on Wednesday because my therapist is leaving but i bet he's glad that i won't be his problem anymore, because i'm beyond help. I'm not getting better, i'm not functioning. It's all going to shit basically. 

 

And I've been trying to claim benefits and get on disability payments. I've had two letters through and one said they can't pay me and the other one says that they can and have started to. They haven't, i checked. And when i went to the dr's to get a sick note so i can claim disability (ESA for you English peeps) the dr was a total bitch and she basically said that i'm being lazy and don't want to work. And why can't i get a job (like everyone else). So that went great. 

 

It's going great, so great that i'm desperate to start cutting again and would give anything to. So great that i'm starting to think the world would be better off if I was DEAD. I turned 18 on Monday and it's Saturday now, and i was in such a different mind frame on Monday/Tuesday and i know what you're thinking, ''if it changed so quickly this time round then it might go back good quickly'' and i would honestly love for that to be the case but that never happens. 

 

I wish that i would get into some horrific freak accident and die. Only so that then people wouldn't think i gave up. I have given up but they don't need to know that. I don't want people to think i haven't tried, god I've tried so FUCKING HARD. The truth is, i'm just fed up of hurting. I'm hurting so bad and i don't know if i can take this anymore. I've been begging god to just please let me die. I don't feel safe from myself. I don't want to be safe from myself. God i'm going out of my mind wanting to cut. 

 

And i don't feel strong enough to even try anymore. I just want to crawl into a hole and die. And i know that some part of me must be holding on but i don't know where that part is. I don't know why i've written all of this, I think i just want someone to say that i'm not alone. I don't need to hear it's all going to be okay, because i have evidence to suggest otherwise (personal experience). I just want someone to tell me that it's okay to let go. That if you are hurting as bad as i am that sometimes holding on isn't for the best, that sometimes it's better to stop fighting. But i also know i'm unlikely to get that response off of anyone. 

 

But yeah, thanks if you read all of that and sorry for writing the longest post ever. 

~Fatandalive~


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#2 Diamond_Heart

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Posted 26 May 2018 - 03:41 PM

*hugs* There’s nothing I can say that will magically fix these problems, but I’m thinking of you ❤️ I’m sorry you’re going through all of this, all at once


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#3 pre-med student

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Posted 26 May 2018 - 04:27 PM

Things haven't been well for me either. I lost the one person that I could talk to, she hates me because I pushed her away only because I thought bulimia is more important. My family hates me because I've been being a jerk and all moody (thanks bulimia), and girls from my community went out last night and they never ask me to come, I am always the one to say hi to them and it makes me feel worse. I hate myself I want to b/p, cry, sleep, and repeat. I feel like I have nothing to live for anymore. My grades been slipping so yeah right to my dream to attend Harvard or even pass the SAT. I suck at life, I've been getting really tired after binged and been sleeping and end up not purging or purge enough. I am ready to give up, my relationship with God is horrible, I am muslim and it is Ramadan which makes me feel worse. I have been lossing it, I am sick of acting and pretending I am fine, life was not made for me.
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#4 Fatandaliveorthinanddead

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Posted 26 May 2018 - 04:35 PM

So i'm sat here in my bedroom and i'm crying my eyes out. I went downstairs to take my medication and the staff from my cared home asked me what was wrong. And i broke down and just kept on getting told that i need to make plans and have something to look forward to. She kept on telling me that things will get better and all that crap. Which has only made me more upset because i feel like no-one understands. 

 

Fucking hell i wish i was dead. When will god just let me die...


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#5 etrox318

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Posted 26 May 2018 - 04:36 PM

Oh my gosh. I'm so sorry all of these things are happening.
I want to give you a hug.
First of all, regarding the takeaway place, you could try rotating spots. I was having the same thing with a local bargain store I always binge at. I was going there 3x a week and buying the same thing. Now I have like 3 places to go to.
Second, regarding the veg thing. I know you're upset, bit you didn't fail. You started eating it, noticed it was gelatin, and kept eating it. It's ok. It was a slip up, but you can still be veg. And you care about animals and felt badly, which means you are a wonderful person! And tomorrow is a new day.
Third, it's the weekend - perfect time to take a break from BP and check your online courses. You could also tell the social worker that your symptoms are bad right now and it's not a good time, but you would love to try again in the future. I would hope she would understand.
Fourth, I don't know the backstory on the unintended voiding, but it sounds like a good reason to see a doctor. Maybe some depends are a good idea for a short time.
I am so sorry the disability doctor was difficult. They tend to be stingy with giving out benefits. If you see another one and be crystal clear with what's going on (maybe embellish? Not really, but make it sound worse than it is ya know) they will help you.
I'm not in the UK, but here in the US people usually have to try 2 or 3x to get benefits they need. Can your social worker help you?
PLEASE talk to your therapist. Tell them everything! Say, "I'm not ok. I need help." therapists are great people, but they are not mind readers. Self report.
I write down everytime I experience symptoms so I'm prepared to tell them how I'm doing.
I hope all of this helped, and I'm sorry I wrote a book lol. Check back in to let us know you're ok.
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https://www.myproana...-back-on-track/MY OLD ACCOUNTABILITY
https://www.myproana... MY NEW ACCOUNTABILITY
https://www.myproana...ookbooks-vegan/ MY MCDOUGALL RECIPE ADVENTURE
Female, diagnosed bulimic, previously diagnosed an-bp.
Hufflepuff, infp. Mostly vegan.
5'7"
Hw 208 BMI 32.6
Lw 105 BMI 16.4
Ugw 99 BMI 15.5
January 2021 Cw 128 BMI 20

#6 Fatandaliveorthinanddead

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Posted 27 May 2018 - 07:24 AM

I'm okay, well as OK as i can under the circumstances. I'm not ordering takeout tonight but i am going out to eat. It's a vegan diner in Manchester. I'm going to try really hard not to purge it though. Going to try my hardest. 

 

I'm going to take some time today to recuperate and get my dealing with bullshit superpowers back. I hope you guys all do the same. 

 

Much love 

~Fatandalive~ 


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#7 Roo-barb

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Posted 27 May 2018 - 06:11 PM

I'm okay, well as OK as i can under the circumstances. I'm not ordering takeout tonight but i am going out to eat. It's a vegan diner in Manchester. I'm going to try really hard not to purge it though. Going to try my hardest.

I'm going to take some time today to recuperate and get my dealing with bullshit superpowers back. I hope you guys all do the same.

Much love
~Fatandalive~

Hey how did it go? Did you manage to have a nice time?

Happy belated 18th birthday

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#8 Fatandaliveorthinanddead

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Posted 28 May 2018 - 05:49 AM

yeah it went good, didn't purge it so it was really good. It was a bit stressful because i have tourettes and I kept on ticcing and shouting random things out, not swearing just random shit. 

 

And thank you for the belated birthday wishes, it means a lot. I also had a good 18th, was terrified for it but when it came around it wasn't so bad. 


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#9 Fatandaliveorthinanddead

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Posted 29 May 2018 - 10:59 AM

So i've just binged on over 1kg of vegan pesto pasta. 

 

Which is great, and i can't purge because my mental health nurse is here and i've just had a chat with him (just before binging) and he's still here to talk to people. Which is shit because he'll hear me and i'm not ready for that shit. WHHYYYYYY.

 

I NEED to purge but i also don't have any free time to go off the premises, so i can't even go walk to the woods and purge in there, and it's popular with dog walkers and there's a park right next to it, which little kids go in. And it's the middle of the day and i will without a doubt get caught. So even if i walked off and got reported missing for 30 mins or so, it won't end well. URGGGHHHH. 

 

I wanna cry. But maybe this will be what i need to get out of this horrible b/p cycle. Or at the very least plan my binges better. 



#10 much shiny very happy

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Posted 29 May 2018 - 03:09 PM

You are right about keeping binges down, sometimes it can help break the b/p cycle. I hope you start to feel more comfortable though, I know how hard it is to sit through it.

 

I'm real sorry everything feels like this at the moment. You deserve to have people who take you seriously and even if that isn't in real life, you have people who can relate here with you.

 

Happy birthday for Monday, turning 18 can be scary but hey! You survived! That's a really cool achievement that some people don't realise can be so hard.


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#11 Fatandaliveorthinanddead

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Posted 30 May 2018 - 10:19 AM

Thank you, it was okay in the end. Used lots of distraction techniques which were pointless but i forced myself to keep it down and to get through it. And thanks for the happy birthday too, it wasn't as bad as i thought it would be.

 

I had my last session of art therapy today which was OK, we had a picnic together and talked about the lighter side of life. It was good. 

 

Also i'm looking for flights to Canada to go over and meet my best friend we've been friends for about 10 years but we've never met. So that i'm really looking forward to, it's gonna be great. :) 

 

Trying to be more positive even though it's hard.


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#12 Diamond_Heart

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Posted 30 May 2018 - 03:13 PM

Thank you, it was okay in the end. Used lots of distraction techniques which were pointless but i forced myself to keep it down and to get through it. And thanks for the happy birthday too, it wasn't as bad as i thought it would be.

I had my last session of art therapy today which was OK, we had a picnic together and talked about the lighter side of life. It was good.

Also i'm looking for flights to Canada to go over and meet my best friend we've been friends for about 10 years but we've never met. So that i'm really looking forward to, it's gonna be great. :)

Trying to be more positive even though it's hard.

CANADAAAA!!! Where abouts?


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#13 Fatandaliveorthinanddead

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Posted 30 May 2018 - 05:10 PM

CANADAAAA!!! Where abouts?


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Montreal, it's gonna be AMAZING!





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