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venting because i'm having a panic attack

anorexia ana eating disorder recovery

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#1 blackmarble

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Posted 08 July 2018 - 08:50 PM

the more i allow myself to consider recovery the more prone i am to rapidly oscillating between phases of adamant devotion and a felt commitment to the concept and sheer unadulterated terror that overrides the mental progress that enabled me to consider it. it's like every instance in which i think i've gotten through to myself is inevitably interrupted by a series of paralyzing fears that discourage me from taking the plunge.

forums upon forums that i've stumbled upon are filled with personal anecdotes confirming my worst nightmares: that recovery was not worth it, that it increases suicial ideation, that the weight piles on quickly and redistributes unevenly and does not stop and overshoots one's prior set point weight and has landed them into an overweight bmi. i see people begging for help because they've developed BED as an unintended consequence of pursuing recovery, i see people claiming that recovery has exacerbated their acne and made their complexion worse than it has ever been, i see people saying that they experience extreme, long-lasting boats of bloating that is agonizing both physically and psychologically and has yet to cease or diminish after several months or even years into the weight restoration process. people saying your body will never look the same as it did before the onset of your disorder, that your metabolism will never heal, that the weight you regain disproportionately latches onto your face and stomach and you'll be plagued by a puffy face and "refeeding belly". that you'll deal with constipation far worse than that which afflicted you in the height of your restriction.

it's simply all too much, especially for someone who has dealt with body dysmorphia nearly her entire life and has preexisting gastrointestinal issues. it seems unbearable and i cannot stomach enduring even half of those symptoms, let alone all at once. even briefly reflecting on these outcomes as a possibility is enough to render me suicidal. i'm actually having a panic attack right now because i've scared myself so bad. it doesn't matter. i know i'll either wind up dead due to health complications from my anorexia or due to suicide from not being able to live with myself during the recovery process (if it's anything like people make it out to be).

i wish i never developed this fucking illness because now there is no way to win. it seems like a matter of choosing which death i prefer.

#2 -Kasie-

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Posted 08 July 2018 - 09:30 PM

Wow. First of all can I say you a re an amazing writer!
Also I have no idea what it feels like to have a real panic attack but I do know how it feels to be overwhelmed by all the stuff out there about recovery etc. It scares me half to death to even think that I might gain more weight, and that I'll ruin myself worse than before (if that makes sense). I've had suicidal thoughts so many times when I've been at my high weights and I don't think I would make it 2 weeks into recovery. I wish I could magically get rid of the dysmorphia and keep the body I'm in rn. That would be my idea of recovery. Ugh and now I'm ranting :)
If you ever need to chat pm me!

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#3 aw shucks

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Posted 08 July 2018 - 10:56 PM

recovery is always the best option, even with the daunting side effects. disordered eating isn't something that we can live with forever, so trying to overcome it is a good idea. even if it creates you worst nightmare, you just have to fight it. 

recovery isn't instant, it takes time, so take it slow. don't instantly try to be healthy and eat 2000 calories a day with zero exercise. ease yourself into it and increase your calorie intake slowly, and if you're into exercise, then lighten up on it and try to get your body used to living healthier. eat more fruits and vegetables versus carbs so that you won't bloat as easily, and make sure to drink lots of water. wash you face twice a day and make sure to moisturize. try not to focus on your weight (even though i know it's hard not to) and instead focus on developing a positive outtake on eating. 

recovery is painful, but when you recover it will have been worth it. 


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