Yep that's me. My therapist didn't understand how can i feel so empty and discontented even though i had some friends, a little time for hobbies and a career path i liked.
Anhedonia makes me feel like a ghost, a relic of myself, when i look back to the old me. She was able to find painting pleasurable, to love her family, to appreciate the days instead of just waiting them to end, to feel accomplished by getting the top marks, to feel joy and love, to be amazed and inspired by the world. I used to have dreams and aspirations.
I remember the day i decided to become a doctor and how excited i was, how eager and hopeful for the future. How much i loved acquiring new knowledge, how interested and engaged i was.
The movies, the songs, the sunsets, my friends' smiles and hugs, the rain, the wind in my hair, the cold sea water in the morning, the empty streets at 5am, my lovely cats and dog, the wonderful mountain paths that used to make my heart light again, the travelling in Europe-museums, small streets, cathedrals, local shops, street musicians... they made me feel alive.
It's just emptiness and coldness now, like i am already dead. I still try to do some of these things, hoping the missing piece of me will come back. But the other part of me is like, what even is the point if everything sucks and i just feel more and more hollow and lonely. It scares me because the older i get, the worse it becomes, and i try to feel the emptiness with food and alcohol and pain and giving everything to the wrong people, but nothing is ever enough.
I think it's the foundation of both my depression and anxiety. It makes me a very unbearable and intense person to be around and i always have to act in social situations. I miss myself, this is sort of unhealthy nostalgia.