Posted 10 June 2021 - 08:29 AM
now i have 2 jobs and school to do. i eat about 1300 max, but i don’t count my calories religiously either. most days i probably have 800-1000. i exercise frequently and my job has me on my feet and walking/lifting/ carrying things for hours so it balances out, i end up losing pretty quickly when i try. eating over 1000 gives me a lot of anxiety and guilt. my body dysmorphia is directly tied with feelings of fullness.
weirdly enough, im maintaining my weight so much better eating more, than i did when i barely ate. i was fluctuating a lot but in the range of about 105-115 lb when i was younger, rn im maintaining solid 110-115 ill be back down into the 100s soon.
i have some chronic health issues. if i don’t eat little bits throughout the day and constantly drink water/Gatorade/pedialyte i will go into an episode. i have to keep my sodium, blood sugar & blood pressure up. the other day i nearly fainted while driving bc i fasted for awhile... then had to go to the hospital to restore fluids cause anytime i tried to eat/drink i would vomit profusely
i sometimes do restrict lower than what is healthy for me. but i value my education and my ability to function more than my eating disorder, and i grieve everything i already lost to my ed. if im going to engage in my ed behaviors im not going to let it take control of my life. im in recovery for everything else except my ed. ive worked really hard to be better mentally, and that’s definitely helped my compulsions to restrict very low.
however it’s still really hard for me to be comfortable with the amounts i eat. i would ideally eat less. if i don’t have anything to do that day i usually will eat less.
US crisis hotline: 1-800-273-8255
NEDA hotline: 1-800-931-2237
NEDA crisis chat link: https://www.national...ontact-helpline
chasing a body i know that i'll never outrun.
18 y/o • ed since 2011
Posted 14 June 2021 - 11:44 AM
The only reason I am able to restrict so low is because I gradually reduced my calories so that my stomach shrank and because my brain is just really stupid and unreasonable, lol.
HW: 138 lbs
LW: 94 lbs
CW: 94 lbs
Posted 14 June 2021 - 01:21 PM
Posted 14 June 2021 - 01:29 PM
i'm not eating that low right now but in the past it was because i was just so terrified of food. had nothing to do with how fast i lost or anything.
i want to commit, restricting is a compromise at this point.
Posted 14 June 2021 - 01:43 PM
well first off right now i dont "eat so little" i don't eat at all like i don't eat solid food anymore i just drink liquid calories when i do have an intake and i stay below 200 cals a day, the other day i had 257 cals and i almost ended my life bc i'm that bad of a state, anyways the way i'm able to do this right now i think is a combination of things, i think i'm just very mentally ill with my ed to say the very least like it's just the worst it's ever been and i just can't get a grip but also i'm on a medication that has been shown in many many studies to cause anorexia or make recovered anorexics relapse , it's often used to treat binge eating and i actually went on it to help my binging but we knew it could worsen my restriction but idk i'm just a bad headcase in general but when i see my psychiatrist tomorrow i'm going to tell him i'm back to severe starvation as i actually just got out of the ICU bc i had an OD and with it i developed refeeding syndrome and was on TPN and had an ng tube and now i'm right back home and right back where i was before as far as the severe starvation so i'm gonna ask him if he knows anybody that would be willing to work with me so i can do enteral or parenteral nutrition at home (my local hospital is very resistant to treating me inpatient and has no inpatient ed treatment and won't treat me medically for my ed unless i'm literally like having a heart attack or my blood sugar was at like below 2.2 etc) but my psychiatrist is amazing still and he will do what he can despite him not specializing in eating disorders and there being very very limited resources here...
Worst relapse in many years recently, now working with an ED therapist (among other professionals) but my GI condition makes it really hard to consume anything Cw: 147.5lbs/66.77kgs.. Referrals just going through to be on the waiting-list for likely inpatient or intensive day program treatment& stuck between wanting this mental and physical torture to end but also i want to lose so much more and give in completely Hw: 100kgs+ Lw: i was in hospital and couldn't stand without passing out, like 50-52kgs (not low but medically compromised) Ugw: 99lbs/44.9kgs (aiming for working on recovery right now but also body recomposition, still want to lose more while doing being as safe as I can and to become A LOT leaner) Eating disorders aren't weight disorders, they're mental disorders (try to remind myself of this everytime I see the number on the scale) ... add my new ed and mh focused and safe place snapchat: littlelar15 .. desperate for socializing and friends in general
Posted 14 June 2021 - 09:34 PM
im honestly not hungry/wanna lose weight quicker/feel guilty
Posted 26 July 2021 - 03:38 PM
i think its all about the will and this huge feeling to prove smth to someome. i also kinda love this pain that hunger gives (yk emptynes, u feel dizzy all the time etc). plus i just hate the feeling that food gives. i start to get warm and bloated, it feels like in a sec im gaining 45654645 kilos of pure fat from each bite. then i just cant even function normally, so yeah. its easy
Posted 29 July 2021 - 09:13 PM
ECA stack and fear of the scale
"We all go a little mad sometimes."
norman bates was a very clever criminal . . .
welcome to my world, human.
"we who are of noble blood may not follow the wishes of our hearts."
CW: 113.8 lbs.
HW: 123 lbs.
LW: 106 lbs.
GW: 95 lbs.
Also tagged with one or more of these keywords: calories, food, restricting
Anorexia Discussions →
2468 Diet →
0 user(s) are reading this topic
0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users