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why is this so difficult?

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#1 blackmarble

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Posted 12 July 2018 - 06:22 PM

after much reflection and deliberation i decided to try to eat a normal dinner tonight and ended up having one large slice of lasagna i baked for my family two nights ago (a huge fear food) and a slice of toast after restricting low all day yesterday to compensate for having lasagna the first night i had made it. i know that i needed that food because i am extremely weak and at a bmi that can easily get me hospitalized and had prepared myself to eat it all day, only having a bit of banana bread this morning to "save room".

however, now that i've eaten it, i can feel it in my stomach, am experiencing uncomfortable bloating and my abdomen is distended where it is digesting. what really has sent me over the edge is that i feel full. i feel full and i've been sedentary all day so my body will just be taking these calories and hanging onto them. i want to sob and scream and hit something. i feel as if i might burst and it should not be this psychologically painful.

i know i need to gain weight, i'm cognizant of the fact that this is for my body's own sake and that this is the only way i can thwart osteoporosis and get my heart rate back to normal, i'm acutely aware of the fact that no one finds me attractive anymore because i am so sick that it just does not look good from an objective standpoint but i still cannot do this. every time i try to eat normally and feel that physical sensation of fullness, i want to kill myself. i'm so upset, i don't know why i am continuing to do this.

i will probably restrict again tomorrow to make up for this. it's so beyond delusional but every time i eat a food that is not one of my safe foods or eat a regular amount of something i can almost feel a double chin forming, the beginning of rolls of fat on my stomach, my face swelling up like some exaggerated caricature drawing, my thigh gap that i've had all of my life suddenly closing. i have nothing to lose from recovery save for this toxic coping mechanism that has brought me nothing but suffering yet i cannot let go. i don't know who i am anymore without this illness. i'm so uncomfortable i wish i could rip out my stomach with my bare hands. i'm feeling so many emotions and panic has taken over.

i feel so gluttonous, so subhuman. i don't deserve to eat to begin with and now i've allowed myself to have something forbidden twice in one week. no matter how hard i try or how much my body breaks down i still cannot justify feeding myself.
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#2 Magic_Coconut

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Posted 12 July 2018 - 08:23 PM

Thing I did to stop spiraling too far and slow down my weight loss was to have small little meals really often so I could never feel too much food in there and have a stash of little sucky candies like Lifesavers for extra calories.

I agree being uncomfortably full sucks. I'm not suprised you had trouble starting with lasagna. Give yourself a little slack, you don't need to go from 0-100 immediately.
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#3 needbskinny

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Posted 21 July 2018 - 01:52 AM

I believe you bloated so much and felt so full because you ate too much for your stomach to handle (This does not mean you ate a lot, just that your stomach has shrank to what youโ€™d normally eat and was stretched when you decided to eat like a normal person would.). I recommend slowly increasing what you eat and not going straight into โ€œnormal eatingโ€ because it will make you feel full and very crappy and you will bloat like crazy. I hope this helped!
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#4 blackcoffee4me

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Posted 31 July 2018 - 08:17 PM

I know the feeling of remorse and regret you must be feeling after those 2 meals.The feeling of fulness and joy you get when you taste food you haven't had in such a long time but its only in that instant moment and once you realize what you have done, what you just ate you start and what you have just done to yourself and all that hard work you've been doing is all gone to waste and you start to contemplate whats next but you don't really know whats next and your mind starts to pressure you into burning every single calorie that you just ate.yep been there.


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#5 Guest_itdevours_*

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Posted 13 January 2019 - 02:09 PM

if you hate the physical feeling of fullness you might want to go for things that have a high amount of calories for a low volume like nuts, peanut butter, etc - they can be good for if you want to try to recover but are still scared of that feeling of so much food in your stomach.

 

the feelings of being SO full/SO bloated/SO fat after a normal meal will also fade as you commit to eating normally. the reason it feels so bad now is BECAUSE you've been restricting for so long. once you've been eating normally for a while, you won't feel so huge every time because your baseline will be in a more normal and healthy place.

 

if any of that makes sense.


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#6 gazvv

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Posted 30 January 2019 - 10:09 PM

nobody should have to feel like this. im sorry you're going through it. 


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โ˜…๐™๐™๐™š ๐™ข๐™ž๐™ฃ๐™™ ๐™ž๐™จ ๐™Ÿ๐™ช๐™จ๐™ฉ ๐™ก๐™ž๐™ ๐™š ๐™– ๐™ข๐™ช๐™จ๐™˜๐™ก๐™š - ๐™ฉ๐™๐™š ๐™ข๐™ค๐™ง๐™š ๐™ฎ๐™ค๐™ช ๐™š๐™ญ๐™š๐™ง๐™˜๐™ž๐™จ๐™š ๐™ž๐™ฉ, ๐™ฉ๐™๐™š ๐™จ๐™ฉ๐™ง๐™ค๐™ฃ๐™œ๐™š๐™ง ๐™ž๐™ฉ ๐™œ๐™š๐™ฉ๐™จ ๐™–๐™ฃ๐™™ ๐™ฉ๐™๐™š ๐™ข๐™ค๐™ง๐™š ๐™ž๐™ฉ ๐™˜๐™–๐™ฃ ๐™š๐™ญ๐™ฅ๐™–๐™ฃ๐™™โ˜…

 
16
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โ˜…แดกแด‡ษชษขสœแด›โ˜…
 
๐‡๐–: ๐Ÿ–๐Ÿ•๐ค๐ 
๐’๐–: ๐Ÿ•๐Ÿ’.๐Ÿ”๐ค๐ 
๐‚๐–: ๐Ÿ•8.7๐ค๐ 
๐‹๐–: ๐Ÿ•๐Ÿ’๐ค๐ 
 
๐†๐–: ๐Ÿ•๐ŸŽ๐ค๐ 
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#7 Guest_LucidMind_*

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Posted 02 February 2019 - 08:38 AM

Well, your stomach has shrunk due to restriction. I experience same problem. Normal sized portion makes me nauseous and then I have to purge cause the feeling of fullness is impossible for me to endure. So I eat small portions. Plan is to eat small but more frequently but it's a process.

#8 Milesandmiles

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Posted 02 February 2019 - 09:02 AM

This is me 100%. You seriously just described exactly how I feel every time I eat s โ€œnormalโ€ meal. There has to be a way to get to the other side... we can do it!
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#9 Daaf

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Posted 02 February 2019 - 09:24 AM

I feel you. Even though it feels uncomfortable to eat normal, it's something we have to go through to build a healthy relationship with eating again. Hugs!
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d80jeqc-c01b7f4e-85af-4b80-9eba-7834aa4a 

 

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cw: 42.6 kg. fat af.
gw:35 kg.
bmi: fat af.

 

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#10 Guest_Tell.me.its.worth.it_*

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Posted 02 February 2019 - 09:56 AM

First of all, I am so sorry you're going through this. It is terrible. It sounds like you are very knowledgeable and logically minded about this whole thing. A lot of people, myself included, experience this logic/emotion paradox frequently. We know it's bad for our bodies to be this way and we know it's gone too far, but we can't combat the feelings that come with disordered eating with logic all of the time. This paradox is endlessly frustrating to me because I know the right answer and the right thing to do, but not how to accomplish it.

I am not an expert and I fail so miserably all of the time so I'm going to tell you what I try to do, not because I do it well, but because I hope maybe it can help someone, even if it's just a little.

When you eat, try not to take on a big fear food. Don't put yourself through that if you can help it. You can work up to that one day and you can have goals, but start with foods of smaller caliber in terms of fear and work on that before getting into the big ones. Remember, your stomach is smaller and your metabolism is slower, as a few others have said, but it won't necessarily be this way forever. I also hate the feeling of food in my stomach when I'm sedentary. I know this is taken to unhealthy proportions sometimes, but maybe after eating, try exercising. I especially love watching these yoga videos by this girl named Adriene on youtube. She is so positive, but not in an annoying way, and encourages everyone to be gentle and loving towards their bodies, minds and spirits, but she never guilt trips people. Those videos have really helped me. I still don't love my body at all and I'm not recovered in the slightest, but it's good to hear such positive, gentle words when all I hear is harshness and negativity from myself all day.

I especially understand the part about feeling like you've lost yourself. I feel exactly the same way. I have no clue what to do about this. I don't spend time with my family because I'm afraid they'll want to eat, I have to quit my job because I am constantly dizzy and foggy at work and I sometimes don't even spend time with the guy that I'm dating because I'd rather work out to compensate for the caloric intake of the day. I feel like this has completely ruined my life and stolen who I am, yet I'm addicted and I don't want to actually stop. I want myself back, but I'm more hesitant to receive the former me if it means giving up my only means of control in my eating disorder. It seems so small, but to try to find or remember who I am, I make it a point to pursue some creative outlet daily. Sometimes I write in my journal or play instruments or practice calligraphy, and sometimes I draw or paint even though I'm not very good at either. This has really helped. You don't have to have a particular skill in any of these areas... just go on pinterest if you need to for inspiration and just do it. (Try not to have baking or cooking as your outlet. It helps me to find relief when it has nothing to do with food. This might be different for different people, but I normally avoid it.) Also, it really helps me to write down three things that I'm thankful for each day. I try to keep these non-eating disorder related (so like "my family wasn't home so I didn't have to eat" or "I only ate x calories today" aren't good ideas) and it can be as simple as "I woke up before my alarm today" or "the sky was pretty today" or if you see cute animals or if someone says something nice to you. It's so hard some days, but it has helped me to try and get in the habit of it.

Ok that's all... again, I'm terrible at doing these things so I'm not telling you because it's easy or because I'm perfect. Yeah neither of those things are even remotely true. I'm still trying though, and I hope we can all try something.

I'm so sorry for how you are suffering. This is such a difficult thing to deal with and there's no way to deny it. Keep fighting and stay strong. You are not aloneโ™ก
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#11 pickles312

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Posted 02 February 2019 - 10:09 AM

This probably isnโ€™t what you want to hear right now but you sound like a really kind hearted person and Iโ€™m really sorry youโ€™re going through this right now. I felt similarly logging in and saw this. Itโ€™s a difficult path weโ€™ve chosen but hang in there. You can and will get a handle on this. Sometimes I feel the entire day is worthless and Iโ€™m a failure when I donโ€™t follow my diet or didnโ€™t lose weight overnight. Itโ€™s fucked up! But carry on, my friend. I (we) know itโ€™s NOT a small thing. I wish I understood the psychology more but I donโ€™t and Iโ€™ve been at this for a while. Just know that I can see the beauty in you from all the way over here!

#12 8Billion

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Posted 20 February 2019 - 02:16 PM

Maybe because what you ate isnโ€™t nutritionally dense? 

I get like that after eating pizza, lasagna, ice cream. I feel awful knowing I just spent calories on something that isnโ€™t keeping me healthy. Waste of calories when I could be focusing on losing weight while keeping myself healthy. 


"Set your mind on a definite goal and observe how quickly the world stands aside to let you pass"

#13 knockknee

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Posted 19 March 2019 - 08:56 AM

You DO deserve to eat.  You deserve a better life than this feeling.  You sound so intelligent and self-aware... I have no doubt in my mind that you will get through this and find another way to cope.  The other posters have made some good suggestions, such as smaller, nutrient dense meals and snacks... that is a great start. 

 

As you said, starving is a coping mechanism, albeit a maladaptive one.  Are there any other, healthier coping mechanisms you have used in the past to get through difficult times? Any enjoyable activities, hobbies or sports that you can use to self-soothe?   My suggestion would be to try to transition from this unhealthy coping mechanism to a healthier one.  For example, when I stopped smoking, I started going for a walk outside every time I craved a smoke.  The smoking was a coping mechanism for anxiety, and walking helped my anxiety even more than the original coping mechanism.  

 

There are other techniques to pull yourself out of acute anxiety and stress for a moment if you don't have any available.  One is called grounding.  You may have heard of it.  It involves focusing on your immediate surroundings by identifying all the things you can see, hear, smell, and touch, one by one until your brain moves onto another pathway. 

So for example, you're in your bedroom on your bed, focus on the light levels, the temperature, can you hear the wind, or the sounds of traffic in the distance, touch your bed covers and register the sensations they give your fingertips, look around and notice the details... a picture of your friends or family, remember the moment you took it,  A favourite hoodie and how you feel when you wear it.  Breathe in, smell the familiarity of home, maybe a scented candle burning or the smell of the outside coming through an open window. 

The more you focus on grounding yourself, the less your brain will be in fight or flight mode.  Barring any real and immediate danger, grounding will make you feel safer and more stable, so you can focus on what needs to be done and get out of a circular anxiety spiral.  If it isn't working right away, keep finding things to ground with.  Dig deep, listen close to all the minuscule layers of sound you can, pick out each songbirds individual voice outside your window... is there a response?  Pay close attention to every source of light, the sun through the window, a reflection off a mirror... what colour is it, how many shades of that colour are all around you, how dark is each shadow... you get the picture.  

 

I truly believe you will pull yourself out of this.  You have taken some very important steps to start doing that, and it is inspiring and admirable that you have the capacity to self-motivate in that way, and to realise you need to make a change.  

All the best to you... if you ever need someone to listen I'm here.  


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#14 Nana Osaki

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Posted 24 March 2019 - 07:55 AM

Try something caloric and nutritional if it's a matter of getting full too quickly and the food being unhealthy. I tend to get that way when I have too many carbs.

#15 anorexicduty

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Posted 30 July 2019 - 10:54 AM

First of all don't eat lasagna and expect to feel normal.

That is too much for even normal people.

Eat reasonable foods if you want to maintain.

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Ht.: 5'7" | SW:147 lbs.| CW::125.4 lbs.| BMI: 19.6  
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#16 mini_monsta

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Posted 01 September 2019 - 11:03 PM

I took it fairly slow at first. I stuck w/ foods that I still felt comfortable eating and tried to eat more of it. You'll eventually get to lasagna and the foods that scare you without your head and body responding in such an uncomfortable way. But don't push yourself too far. My ED didn't develop overnight, it was a process. So when I got better it also took some time. It was easy for me to fall back into old habits to punish myself for eating "bad" foods the night before. But eating a little more each day allowed me to feel proud of the progress I was making without feeling too gross. 



#17 svvvord

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Posted 01 September 2019 - 11:19 PM

Hey! It doesn't have to hurt (:
You probably were not eating too much so even a regular portion hurt your stomach.
Maybe you can start with vegetables and fruits just to get your stomach more used and your digestion will improve too. Or try bland foods without too much flavor like rice, pudding, crackers, or puree
Take time to recover! I swear normally eating shouldn't physically hurt. It was probably just your stomach being used to stuff. Or you can still restrict or mantain if you want. Just with good stomach health (:

uwu


#18 PrettyIntense

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Posted 01 September 2019 - 11:21 PM

I relate 100% to everything you saIโ€™d. I donโ€™t have advice but I wanted you to know, I relate and youโ€™re not alone. ๐Ÿ’“
Fat fuck

#19 Animefreak

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Posted 02 September 2019 - 12:10 AM

Honestly its either restriction or binging
Normal eating is
Weird
I either over eat or under eat

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hw ; 175lbs bmi 28.2

lw;103lbs bmi 16.4

cw .: ) too fucking much

 

 

 

GW: 99 lbsHeight : 5'6 (168cm)Thin is perfection


#20 Animefreak

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Posted 02 September 2019 - 12:11 AM

And don't say such stuff about ur self you're a beautiful human being
Stay strong

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hw ; 175lbs bmi 28.2

lw;103lbs bmi 16.4

cw .: ) too fucking much

 

 

 

GW: 99 lbsHeight : 5'6 (168cm)Thin is perfection




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