29 replies to this topic

[blackmarble]

after much reflection and deliberation i decided to try to eat a normal dinner tonight and ended up having one large slice of lasagna i baked for my family two nights ago (a huge fear food) and a slice of toast after restricting low all day yesterday to compensate for having lasagna the first night i had made it. i know that i needed that food because i am extremely weak and at a bmi that can easily get me hospitalized and had prepared myself to eat it all day, only having a bit of banana bread this morning to "save room".

however, now that i've eaten it, i can feel it in my stomach, am experiencing uncomfortable bloating and my abdomen is distended where it is digesting. what really has sent me over the edge is that i feel full. i feel full and i've been sedentary all day so my body will just be taking these calories and hanging onto them. i want to sob and scream and hit something. i feel as if i might burst and it should not be this psychologically painful.

i know i need to gain weight, i'm cognizant of the fact that this is for my body's own sake and that this is the only way i can thwart osteoporosis and get my heart rate back to normal, i'm acutely aware of the fact that no one finds me attractive anymore because i am so sick that it just does not look good from an objective standpoint but i still cannot do this. every time i try to eat normally and feel that physical sensation of fullness, i want to kill myself. i'm so upset, i don't know why i am continuing to do this.

i will probably restrict again tomorrow to make up for this. it's so beyond delusional but every time i eat a food that is not one of my safe foods or eat a regular amount of something i can almost feel a double chin forming, the beginning of rolls of fat on my stomach, my face swelling up like some exaggerated caricature drawing, my thigh gap that i've had all of my life suddenly closing. i have nothing to lose from recovery save for this toxic coping mechanism that has brought me nothing but suffering yet i cannot let go. i don't know who i am anymore without this illness. i'm so uncomfortable i wish i could rip out my stomach with my bare hands. i'm feeling so many emotions and panic has taken over.

i feel so gluttonous, so subhuman. i don't deserve to eat to begin with and now i've allowed myself to have something forbidden twice in one week. no matter how hard i try or how much my body breaks down i still cannot justify feeding myself.

[Magic_Coconut]

Thing I did to stop spiraling too far and slow down my weight loss was to have small little meals really often so I could never feel too much food in there and have a stash of little sucky candies like Lifesavers for extra calories.

I agree being uncomfortably full sucks. I'm not suprised you had trouble starting with lasagna. Give yourself a little slack, you don't need to go from 0-100 immediately.

[needbskinny]

I believe you bloated so much and felt so full because you ate too much for your stomach to handle (This does not mean you ate a lot, just that your stomach has shrank to what you’d normally eat and was stretched when you decided to eat like a normal person would.). I recommend slowly increasing what you eat and not going straight into “normal eating” because it will make you feel full and very crappy and you will bloat like crazy. I hope this helped!

[blackcoffee4me]

I know the feeling of remorse and regret you must be feeling after those 2 meals.The feeling of fulness and joy you get when you taste food you haven't had in such a long time but its only in that instant moment and once you realize what you have done, what you just ate you start and what you have just done to yourself and all that hard work you've been doing is all gone to waste and you start to contemplate whats next but you don't really know whats next and your mind starts to pressure you into burning every single calorie that you just ate.yep been there.

[gazvv]

nobody should have to feel like this. im sorry you're going through it. 

[Milesandmiles]

This is me 100%. You seriously just described exactly how I feel every time I eat s “normal” meal. There has to be a way to get to the other side... we can do it!

[Daaf]

I feel you. Even though it feels uncomfortable to eat normal, it's something we have to go through to build a healthy relationship with eating again. Hugs!

[pickles312]

This probably isn’t what you want to hear right now but you sound like a really kind hearted person and I’m really sorry you’re going through this right now. I felt similarly logging in and saw this. It’s a difficult path we’ve chosen but hang in there. You can and will get a handle on this. Sometimes I feel the entire day is worthless and I’m a failure when I don’t follow my diet or didn’t lose weight overnight. It’s fucked up! But carry on, my friend. I (we) know it’s NOT a small thing. I wish I understood the psychology more but I don’t and I’ve been at this for a while. Just know that I can see the beauty in you from all the way over here!

[8Billion]

Maybe because what you ate isn’t nutritionally dense? 

I get like that after eating pizza, lasagna, ice cream. I feel awful knowing I just spent calories on something that isn’t keeping me healthy. Waste of calories when I could be focusing on losing weight while keeping myself healthy. 

[knockknee]

You DO deserve to eat.  You deserve a better life than this feeling.  You sound so intelligent and self-aware... I have no doubt in my mind that you will get through this and find another way to cope.  The other posters have made some good suggestions, such as smaller, nutrient dense meals and snacks... that is a great start. 

 

As you said, starving is a coping mechanism, albeit a maladaptive one.  Are there any other, healthier coping mechanisms you have used in the past to get through difficult times? Any enjoyable activities, hobbies or sports that you can use to self-soothe?   My suggestion would be to try to transition from this unhealthy coping mechanism to a healthier one.  For example, when I stopped smoking, I started going for a walk outside every time I craved a smoke.  The smoking was a coping mechanism for anxiety, and walking helped my anxiety even more than the original coping mechanism.  

 

There are other techniques to pull yourself out of acute anxiety and stress for a moment if you don't have any available.  One is called grounding.  You may have heard of it.  It involves focusing on your immediate surroundings by identifying all the things you can see, hear, smell, and touch, one by one until your brain moves onto another pathway. 

So for example, you're in your bedroom on your bed, focus on the light levels, the temperature, can you hear the wind, or the sounds of traffic in the distance, touch your bed covers and register the sensations they give your fingertips, look around and notice the details... a picture of your friends or family, remember the moment you took it,  A favourite hoodie and how you feel when you wear it.  Breathe in, smell the familiarity of home, maybe a scented candle burning or the smell of the outside coming through an open window. 

The more you focus on grounding yourself, the less your brain will be in fight or flight mode.  Barring any real and immediate danger, grounding will make you feel safer and more stable, so you can focus on what needs to be done and get out of a circular anxiety spiral.  If it isn't working right away, keep finding things to ground with.  Dig deep, listen close to all the minuscule layers of sound you can, pick out each songbirds individual voice outside your window... is there a response?  Pay close attention to every source of light, the sun through the window, a reflection off a mirror... what colour is it, how many shades of that colour are all around you, how dark is each shadow... you get the picture.  

 

I truly believe you will pull yourself out of this.  You have taken some very important steps to start doing that, and it is inspiring and admirable that you have the capacity to self-motivate in that way, and to realise you need to make a change.  

All the best to you... if you ever need someone to listen I'm here.  

[Nana Osaki]

Try something caloric and nutritional if it's a matter of getting full too quickly and the food being unhealthy. I tend to get that way when I have too many carbs.

[anorexicduty]

First of all don't eat lasagna and expect to feel normal.

That is too much for even normal people.

Eat reasonable foods if you want to maintain.

.

[mini_monsta]

I took it fairly slow at first. I stuck w/ foods that I still felt comfortable eating and tried to eat more of it. You'll eventually get to lasagna and the foods that scare you without your head and body responding in such an uncomfortable way. But don't push yourself too far. My ED didn't develop overnight, it was a process. So when I got better it also took some time. It was easy for me to fall back into old habits to punish myself for eating "bad" foods the night before. But eating a little more each day allowed me to feel proud of the progress I was making without feeling too gross. 

[svvvord]

Hey! It doesn't have to hurt (:
You probably were not eating too much so even a regular portion hurt your stomach.
Maybe you can start with vegetables and fruits just to get your stomach more used and your digestion will improve too. Or try bland foods without too much flavor like rice, pudding, crackers, or puree
Take time to recover! I swear normally eating shouldn't physically hurt. It was probably just your stomach being used to stuff. Or you can still restrict or mantain if you want. Just with good stomach health (:

[PrettyIntense]

I relate 100% to everything you saI’d. I don’t have advice but I wanted you to know, I relate and you’re not alone. 💓

[Animefreak]

Honestly its either restriction or binging
Normal eating is
Weird
I either over eat or under eat

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[Animefreak]

And don't say such stuff about ur self you're a beautiful human being
Stay strong

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