35 replies to this topic

[fl0werchild]

*EDIT* just realized that this is an old thread that someone resurrected for some reason but I typed a lot and my advice might still apply to other people because the post is highly relatable. So I'll just leave this here for other people. 


Here's what helps me in that situation. I'm cursed with being the best cook in my family and my social circle which leads me to having to cook a lot. While I cook the main meal, I tuck aside a small modified portion for myself. For lasagna, I will typically set aside some meat and sauce and a small portion of cheese (about a spoonful) and some vegetables (I always put spinach in a lasagna) and make myself a snack sized portion that has been modified to make me feel a little less guilty. Fuck the noodles, though. Just can't do the noodles. 

I can kind of have what everyone else is having to a lesser degree, and I usually don't get bloated. I sometimes feel a little let down that I decided to indulge, but I compare it to the alternative of eating it exactly as it was or, at worst, a complete binge. 

What I would suggest to you is to slowly ease into modified versions of fear foods or things that make you feel bad and take things slow. Just see how you feel with a little bit of time and adjustment. You will eventually acclimate to larger portions. It might be that you don't react to gluten (like bread or pasta) well. You might need to rule that out and up your calories on non-gluten foods. It could be a reaction to cheese - some people are intolerant to long chain dairy fats, and that reaction cause bloating and indigestion. There could be a physical component to this that exacerbates the mental component. The feeling or bloat or slow digestion IS uncomfortable in everyone, and can also be mentally distressing. Don't get mad at yourself. Don't blame yourself. It's all an experiment to figure out how you can be happy, healthy, and comfortable simultaneously. Figuring out how physical symptoms impact you mentally is a part of that process. 

You may also be experiencing gastroparesis, which, for lack of a better term, sucks the smelliest asshole. I get it after prolonged fasting. Your stomach gets lazy from underworking and it slows your digestion, leaving painful and distressing fullness and leaving you with vastly decreased energy levels, because you're slow to absorb the nutrients. I'm not small, but gastroparesis makes me feel twice my size and gives me a lot of mental anguish. You usually have to wait for it to pass. I find that liquid foods (pureed vegetable soups, green juice, bone broth, etc) help keep my stomach stimulated enough in fasting recovery/refeeding. 

My advice to you? Try new whole foods and see how they make you feel. It's really easy to feel like a glutton or hate yourself when you know you could have eaten something healthier. Slowly ease into larger portions of new whole foods. Write down how foods make you feel physically (rather than emotionally) and start to practice intuitive eating. You might have some intolerances, allergies, or reactions that are complicating your recovery. Health and diet are specific to every individual. I wish you the best of luck at reaching a weight that satisfies your mental, emotional, and physical health. 

[synchrohobbit]

I see that this thread is old and the original poster is no longer active, but I think it makes an important point about our struggle.  It's a lose lose situation when you are torn between your eating disorder and health, when you know what the effective or appropriate decision is but the ED makes you stuck.  I think treatment focuses far too much on the physical aspects of recovery, such as coping with feelings of fullness and hunger and changes to how your body feels and looks, when these really aren't the issues.  There is physical discomfort, yes, but the real distress is how we are emotionally reacting to those physical feelings.  I'm frustrated right now thinking back on how treatment has been structured with such a heavy focus on body, without really dealing with the shame or anxiety or depression with which we are coping.  

[anorexicduty]

I'm not surprised with all the carbs that are in Lasagne.  I love lasagne but I haven't had any at all for years.

It blows me up when I eat it.  I'm not sure why you over ate after not eating at all.

Loading up when your stomach has been empty tends to feel very heavy. 

[anorexicduty]

I love lasagne but haven't had any in decades.  All b/c of my ED.  I admire you for being able to make it and eat it.

I'd love to do that.  I'm sorry it didn't turn out well.  Being cognizant of your body's weight is smart.  Being well aware of your self will help keep you out of Inpatient. 

[VodkaZero]

Full normal meals are so heavy ugh, I feel ya! (But binging isn't to me lol, what an irony)

[diglettmankey]

I believe you bloated so much and felt so full because you ate too much for your stomach to handle (This does not mean you ate a lot, just that your stomach has shrank to what you’d normally eat and was stretched when you decided to eat like a normal person would.). I recommend slowly increasing what you eat and not going straight into “normal eating” because it will make you feel full and very crappy and you will bloat like crazy. I hope this helped!

 

This.  Work with a nutritionist to slowly increase your food intake.

 

I've been IP where they had me go from 1200 a day to 4000 a day, and it resulted in massive bloating.

[overambitious]

Like some others said on this feed, I can’t really offer much advice but I completely relate and feel the same way right now because I just ate out with my family and the feeling of fullness makes me so uncomfortable and disgusted. The more I think about it the worse I feel and thinking about the food gives my stomach physical pain. I wish I understood this, but I know we will get through it!

[Mitsy]

What you're feeling is normal, or at least normal for recovering anarexic. ive been there and it is a really hard place to. be. if you don't know already I recommend you get a dietitian, therapist, and a doctor. also enlist the suprort of your family and friends.these are the people who can hold you acountable, encourage you whan its hard and scary, distract you when its uncimfortableit doesnt hove to be all on you to fight Ed alone. if making a food choice is too overwhelming ask them to make it for yo it will help ease the psychological burden.

try eating calorie dence foods and easyto digest foods. i ate a lot of nuts seeds and dried fruits. also juice and yogurt are good.

[Mitsy]

S for coping try to ride out the feeling. it will pass. meditation helped me separate the physical discomfort from psychological. its easier said than done i know but acknowledge sensations and  choose not to let them effect you emotionally. 

use distractions to get through the moment, like hobbies like artwork, listen to music, play with an animal, watch a movie, socialize, journal, take a bath, read a book

contentiously make an effort to say kind things to yourself. 

[SweetEmotion]

..

[toxicbreastmilk]

im sorry you're feeling this way - i've been there as well 

 

the frustration after eating food that may seem 'normal' for people who don't suffer from ed can really make a person spiral and lose their mind. trust me i've been there where you literally don't know what to do and all you want to do is punch the fuck out of yourself in hopes it'll kick the calories to the curb. and the feeling of hunger is no longer in your not-so hollow stomach, and it truly does suck a hobos asshole. I truly am sorry good luck and please stay safe.

[beast_of_burden]

Maybe because what you ate isn’t nutritionally dense? 

I get like that after eating pizza, lasagna, ice cream. I feel awful knowing I just spent calories on something that isn’t keeping me healthy. Waste of calories when I could be focusing on losing weight while keeping myself healthy. 

I think that it can be a slippery slope to try to only eat "Healthy" when trying to eat normal portions. Especially because for a body that has been deprived for so long, easy to digest more processed or calorie dense foods are the healthiest thing they could be eating. It is absolutely not a waste of calories, it is the most effective way to provide for a starved body

[8Billion]

I think that it can be a slippery slope to try to only eat "Healthy" when trying to eat normal portions. Especially because for a body that has been deprived for so long, easy to digest more processed or calorie dense foods are the healthiest thing they could be eating. It is absolutely not a waste of calories, it is the most effective way to provide for a starved body

Sorry, what? 

 

How does a body that has been deprived of food for a long period of time digest Lasagna better than it would digest some wild rice, a piece of fish, and some veggies on the side?

The most effective way to provide for a starved body would be to start feeding it smaller portions of healthy foods and monitor for refeeding syndrome. 

[MermaidPoop]

after much reflection and deliberation i decided to try to eat a normal dinner tonight and ended up having one large slice of lasagna i baked for my family two nights ago (a huge fear food) and a slice of toast after restricting low all day yesterday to compensate for having lasagna the first night i had made it. i know that i needed that food because i am extremely weak and at a bmi that can easily get me hospitalized and had prepared myself to eat it all day, only having a bit of banana bread this morning to "save room".

however, now that i've eaten it, i can feel it in my stomach, am experiencing uncomfortable bloating and my abdomen is distended where it is digesting. what really has sent me over the edge is that i feel full. i feel full and i've been sedentary all day so my body will just be taking these calories and hanging onto them. i want to sob and scream and hit something. i feel as if i might burst and it should not be this psychologically painful.

i know i need to gain weight, i'm cognizant of the fact that this is for my body's own sake and that this is the only way i can thwart osteoporosis and get my heart rate back to normal, i'm acutely aware of the fact that no one finds me attractive anymore because i am so sick that it just does not look good from an objective standpoint but i still cannot do this. every time i try to eat normally and feel that physical sensation of fullness, i want to kill myself. i'm so upset, i don't know why i am continuing to do this.

i will probably restrict again tomorrow to make up for this. it's so beyond delusional but every time i eat a food that is not one of my safe foods or eat a regular amount of something i can almost feel a double chin forming, the beginning of rolls of fat on my stomach, my face swelling up like some exaggerated caricature drawing, my thigh gap that i've had all of my life suddenly closing. i have nothing to lose from recovery save for this toxic coping mechanism that has brought me nothing but suffering yet i cannot let go. i don't know who i am anymore without this illness. i'm so uncomfortable i wish i could rip out my stomach with my bare hands. i'm feeling so many emotions and panic has taken over.

i feel so gluttonous, so subhuman. i don't deserve to eat to begin with and now i've allowed myself to have something forbidden twice in one week. no matter how hard i try or how much my body breaks down i still cannot justify feeding myself.

Sounds like the Ana voice...
If you truly know you want to stay away from the dangerous zone then high restrictions work...
This will give you control which will quiet An but also stability so you can quiet ana even more.

[dontcallmebymyname]

after much reflection and deliberation i decided to try to eat a normal dinner tonight and ended up having one large slice of lasagna i baked for my family two nights ago (a huge fear food) and a slice of toast after restricting low all day yesterday to compensate for having lasagna the first night i had made it. i know that i needed that food because i am extremely weak and at a bmi that can easily get me hospitalized and had prepared myself to eat it all day, only having a bit of banana bread this morning to "save room".
however, now that i've eaten it, i can feel it in my stomach, am experiencing uncomfortable bloating and my abdomen is distended where it is digesting. what really has sent me over the edge is that i feel full. i feel full and i've been sedentary all day so my body will just be taking these calories and hanging onto them. i want to sob and scream and hit something. i feel as if i might burst and it should not be this psychologically painful.
i know i need to gain weight, i'm cognizant of the fact that this is for my body's own sake and that this is the only way i can thwart osteoporosis and get my heart rate back to normal, i'm acutely aware of the fact that no one finds me attractive anymore because i am so sick that it just does not look good from an objective standpoint but i still cannot do this. every time i try to eat normally and feel that physical sensation of fullness, i want to kill myself. i'm so upset, i don't know why i am continuing to do this.
i will probably restrict again tomorrow to make up for this. it's so beyond delusional but every time i eat a food that is not one of my safe foods or eat a regular amount of something i can almost feel a double chin forming, the beginning of rolls of fat on my stomach, my face swelling up like some exaggerated caricature drawing, my thigh gap that i've had all of my life suddenly closing. i have nothing to lose from recovery save for this toxic coping mechanism that has brought me nothing but suffering yet i cannot let go. i don't know who i am anymore without this illness. i'm so uncomfortable i wish i could rip out my stomach with my bare hands. i'm feeling so many emotions and panic has taken over.
i feel so gluttonous, so subhuman. i don't deserve to eat to begin with and now i've allowed myself to have something forbidden twice in one week. no matter how hard i try or how much my body breaks down i still cannot justify feeding myself.

I experienced this too today; my friend who knows about my ED asked me to prepare noodles and for me to eat my lunch next to them. I knew there wasn't much time to get rid of it so I only managed to hide a little bit in a mug.

I haven't been counting calories in a few months since I don't have access to a scale anymore (and I feel like I need both for it to be "worth" the counting if that makes sense?) but I am fully aware that my "big" meals are still not regular sized portions. It drives me absolutely insane that I feel so shitty when I try to force myself to eat more when others are watching me like hawks, and all I want to do when I start feeling disgusted and nauseous is spit it out, curl up in a ball and disappear. But obviously I can't do that because I don't want them to take this away from me.

My brain tells me that everyone else suffering through this deserves help and support, whereas I'm unworthy of food or (gasp!) taking up space.