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Tears of Anger of Rage (Poetry Compilation)

poetry writing mental illness borderline hallucinations BPD DRD DPD trauma CSA

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#1 derealination

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Posted 06 November 2018 - 10:38 PM

Some words are best left muddy or distorted. 

Some are best clear and to the point. 

 

 

(stories that could go on forever/ kitchen sink)

 

When there was a time for you to speak, you stayed silent.

There is no doubt of your intentions.

When you speak to me I feel your breath on my lips.

Your eyes peer deep into mine, but there is nothing inside them for you to steal.

The blue night creeps over the powdered mountains.

You stand outside my window, an orange glow lights up your face.

You can't understand anything I say.

It all becomes a blur, a muddy mess of ideas.

 

Instead of trying to salvage what you could, you throw it all out and retain nothing.

I stand besides your bed while you sleep, waiting for you to wake up.

It's 3:14am and you're in a deep sleep, though your eyes are open. 

I dream of moments when you recognize me, and when you tell me who I am.

I become your work of art.

You open your mouth, a scratching outside my door, an empty closet.

Everything pans out and I am alone once again.

The shadows in the corner are no longer satisfying to me.

I crave a true love, a friend.

When did this begin, you stripping me down until I am empty?

My rules and protections were my crutches, now they are my hurdles.

 

Dipping deep into my subconscious.

I recognize your face, the eyes that took everything from me.

I can finally see you once again.

I can hold you close and run my hands through your hair, as you once did to me.

Though this journey is about forgiveness and letting go, I cannot leave you as you left me.

The satisfaction would be too great, and it would make me dirtier than you ever could.  


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I am in pain, please be patient with me. 

 

my poetry compilation⇊

 

https://www.myproana...ry-compilation/


#2 derealination

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Posted 06 November 2018 - 11:19 PM

(wooden canvas)

 

I'm just fucking around, you already know every trick up my sleeve.

You claim to know everything, with just the look in your eyes.

You kiss me slowly and taste my dinner, and the alcohol I washed it down with.

I think you're hilarious, watching you throw gasoline all over our beautiful home.

I can hear the music in your ears, the melody on your lips.

They're almost identical, I can finally see it.

As this spills from my ears, I can hear your voice over my shoulder, your hands running down my back.

Sitting by the back door, watching out the window.

I think I can see you walking up to the house.

I know you've been gone for some time, but you're still around.

Only I know.

DEEPER INTO THE PORTAL!

You never truly see, always a thin vail over my truth. 


I am in pain, please be patient with me. 

 

my poetry compilation⇊

 

https://www.myproana...ry-compilation/


#3 derealination

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Posted 10 November 2018 - 07:08 AM

(drinking in the kitchen)

 

Things feel unreal, but absolutely not uncertain.

I love you deeply, and I feel sure of our future.

Yet unsure at the same time.

The things that threw me off then, do the same to me now.

I can't seem to think of what might get in the way.

My own selfish hurt, ruining everything.

Ruining everything like always.

I will always hurt, but I won't always be able to control it.

Sometimes we'll let go of control.

And we won't alway be able to understand it.

When things happen without my knowledge I feel fine.

But once things come to my attention I start to burn in the face.

He sees what kind of things I do, and I'm sure it hurts him.

But you are selfish too care.

To care about those whom I love.

You're destructive just like I am, I can see it in your actions.

I can see it in your face.

You're just like me, but the person I hide away in the dark.

The person I don't want any one to see. 


I am in pain, please be patient with me. 

 

my poetry compilation⇊

 

https://www.myproana...ry-compilation/


#4 derealination

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Posted 13 November 2018 - 05:20 PM

(unstoppable thoughts in your office)

 

Isolating myself so that I don't bother or worry anyone.

So no one makes me get help.  

I share so that people won't leave and so they can understand.

It's natural human instinct to try and create a bond. 

But it actually just pushes them away.

It scares them, and makes them leave.

It doesn't matter what choice I make, people will leave either way.

And never will it change because I am the problem. 

I have a lot of anger towards the people that abandoned me.

I just want to scream "It's not my fault I'm like this!"

"Have some compassion, please!" 

He did this to me. 

​This is all his fault, he didn't have to do anything to me. 

It's a little strange for me to say that.

Why am I so selfish? Why would they care about me?

So many useless questions, derived from pure frustration and anger. 

They will leave sooner or later, there is no certainty. 

People get divorced or die at anytime.

It's not unusual for people to separate after 16+ years of marriage, 20+ years of marriage.

After being deeply in love, I mean deeply.

There is no absolute, you can never be sure.


I am in pain, please be patient with me. 

 

my poetry compilation⇊

 

https://www.myproana...ry-compilation/


#5 derealination

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Posted 13 November 2018 - 05:32 PM

(earth's core)

 

I make it to the top of the hill, there's one street light left on this road. 

I stop underneath it momentarily, catching my breath.

As I get back on my bike I accidentally knock off my flashlight.

I have to move quickly, the thought of another human being near by scared me. 

What about bears?

As I'm bending down to pick it up, I look behind me to the intersection the the end of the street.  

I hope for a car to come this way. 

Though every car turns away, to the street opposite of my route. 

I pause and watch as the red rear lights silently disappear into the night.

Suddenly a sense of terror stabs me in the chest.  

I struggle to quickly get my light back on. 

I am completely alone. 

Feeling I've passed into another realm. 

For a moment I'm stuck in hell. 

The orange light begins to dance as would a flame. 

A loud clap comes down from the mountains, I feel the vibration in my teeth. 

​Behind my eyes rests a mild ache, then suddenly I hear it. 

A low voice croaks from the black forest behind me. 

My pupils dilate as I scan the tree line. 

I freeze as I realize I haven't been looking high enough. 

There I see it, towering in between the trees, hanging low. 

It begins to moan and blubber...

For an instant I regain my consciousness, I realize the sky is pitch black. 

An hour has passed. 

I feel nauseas, I'm covered in frozen sweat. 

Completely unnerved, I slowly get on my bike.

I keep my head down as I peddle. 

Please, please I'm almost home. 


I am in pain, please be patient with me. 

 

my poetry compilation⇊

 

https://www.myproana...ry-compilation/


#6 derealination

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Posted 13 November 2018 - 05:41 PM

(street draft 02)

 

The wind ran through my jacket, gray clouds swirled above me. 

As I'm walking down the wet strip of road, something suddenly changed.

It took me a moment to realize what it was. 

Complete darkness fell onto me. 

I stopped in my tracks to make sure I was correct. 

​ I couldn't be sure where the night sky ended and the street began.  


  • 벚꽃 (Cherry Blossom) likes this

I am in pain, please be patient with me. 

 

my poetry compilation⇊

 

https://www.myproana...ry-compilation/


#7 derealination

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Posted 03 December 2018 - 03:02 AM

(park bench)

 

When things feel uncertain, I know the majority will always be resolved. 

As you know, 213 and I am deeply resolved with time. 

​(2013!!! I finally understand what this passage means!!)

But who are you to prove so?

Everything has it's own ups and downs, but different values as well.

As you may already know.

INTO YOUR MIND! YOUR MENTAL!

When you decide to unlock all the memories you're trying to keep safe. 

You unlock almost your true self. 

Your soul on a bigger picture. 

You're not opening your eyes, you're really open, mind open, into the deepest. 

You're truly paying attention. 


I am in pain, please be patient with me. 

 

my poetry compilation⇊

 

https://www.myproana...ry-compilation/


#8 derealination

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Posted 03 December 2018 - 03:05 AM

(tissue box)

 

Vague memories grace my mind momentarily.

I can see you sitting at the dinner table having coffee. 

I feel like I'm there.

You're just out of reach.

Walking into your office, with clammy hands and a runny nose. 

How can I explain myself so that you'll help me? 

​I have seen you a thousand times, but you haven't seen me once. 


I am in pain, please be patient with me. 

 

my poetry compilation⇊

 

https://www.myproana...ry-compilation/


#9 derealination

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Posted 03 December 2018 - 07:57 PM

(sitting in a restaurant by myself, you couldn't make it)

 

We don't have much to talk about, you still try to fill the silence.

​I appreciate that. 

You'll be out for the evening. 

I'll be here till dark, it's not a big deal, it never is. 

I'm the center of my universe and mine alone. 

I would never mince my words to make myself feel more comfortable.

I would never elaborate on how I'm feeling for the world to understand.

Why would it care?  

 

Three girlfriends hanging out drinking mimosas.

A little girl showing grandpa her art while they sit at the bar together. 

Just a normal Saturday afternoon, yet so thrilling to. me. 

It's golden hour, soon the sun will be setting. 

My time here is only beginning, yet already it feels as though it's wrapping up. 

 

To my mother,

When you're ready to listen to me, I would love to talk to you.  

I just need someone to listen and not say anything. 

Just please try to understand my feelings, that's all I'm asking for.  

I don't want to carry them by myself. 

You know I'm always listening to you, I feel like you're almost quick to shut me down. 

Like you're waiting for me to feel uncomfortable so you can comfort me. 

I'm aware I'm sabotaging myself and my happiness. 

I know I'm often in the wrong, even though in the moment I don't feel that way. 

That doesn't mean it isn't the truth. 

I just have so much anger inside of me. 

And I have no place for it in my heart. 

 

I will never again come to you, my thoughts and feelings are mine and mine alone. 

You leave me as I am. 

Then you try to buy back my love.

I'll let you figure it out on your own. 


I am in pain, please be patient with me. 

 

my poetry compilation⇊

 

https://www.myproana...ry-compilation/


#10 derealination

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Posted 03 December 2018 - 09:41 PM

(my grandparents empty home/a dimly lit counter)

 

Sometimes I feel very out of place.

When things start to come out, I stuff them all back in. 

Not yet! Not yet! I'm not ready yet. 

When I'm ready I'll reveal it all on my own. 

Slowly, slowly I'll fit everything back together. 

Everything will make sense in time. 

You're nothing you never put your mind to. 

When your life comes to a sudden halt, 

What will you leave behind that you're sure will stay after your departure? 


  • etrox318 likes this

I am in pain, please be patient with me. 

 

my poetry compilation⇊

 

https://www.myproana...ry-compilation/


#11 derealination

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Posted 03 December 2018 - 11:21 PM

(alone in the cabin in the woods)

 

When memory lanes laps with your sunny cove don't you do your best to stay in the moment? 

To take a breath and feel the sun on your face?

Looking through all the towering boxes and bottles labeled no later than 2015,

You begin to wonder how times can change so quickly. 

One moment we're sitting together struggling to stay quiet through the rest of the movie...

Then suddenly I'm sitting here alone and the only thing I struggle to keep quiet are the memories. 

 

(cl had to do it to em)


I am in pain, please be patient with me. 

 

my poetry compilation⇊

 

https://www.myproana...ry-compilation/


#12 derealination

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Posted 05 December 2018 - 02:40 AM

(my bedroom desk)

 

Caught up. 

I remember my greatest fear. 

Looking into her little empty eyes, holding her paw the moment her heart stops. 

She had to have wondered about were my dad went, he gave her the best pats on his days off. 

About where she was, why she was there. 

She watched as my siblings grew up and left home. 

I'm sure sure wondered where they went too. 

Suddenly, the possibility of ever finding out has vanished. 

She'll never know, it's all gone now. 

It's heartbreaking for me to try and imagine what it was like for my kitty in her last moments.

 

I can't imagine what it will be like during mine. 

When I'm alone, and it's my end,

I hope it's slow. 

I can breathe calmly, take a moment to realize what's happening. 

I would love to just let go. 

By myself. 


I am in pain, please be patient with me. 

 

my poetry compilation⇊

 

https://www.myproana...ry-compilation/


#13 derealination

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Posted 07 December 2018 - 10:47 PM

(neighborhood streets) 

 

Fleeing from point A, gliding on through to point B. 

It's such a smooth ride, swiftly cutting through cars on my bike. 

It's getting dark, though theres a wide halo glowing in the sky above me. 

I feel the tears, the pain deep inside me.  

It's always just an inconvenient time, so rarely will it come to the surface.

The dull pain behind my eyes, the lump in my throat, now isn't a good time, just hold on.

Tonight when you're alone, you plead "Please, please get it out!"

But inside it will stay. 

The overwhelming happiness I feel just sitting in the car with you, or talking on the phone.

I mean truly enjoying our moments...

I laugh too hard.

Any abundant emotion is seen as an escape for all the pressure. 

Suddenly the tears begin to flow, I hide my face from you. 

I don't want to ruin the moment, we only get to have so many together.  

 

I savor the moments I feel free.

Where I feel on top of the world. 

The moments I'm invincible. 

I miss you. 


I am in pain, please be patient with me. 

 

my poetry compilation⇊

 

https://www.myproana...ry-compilation/


#14 derealination

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Posted 08 December 2018 - 01:47 AM

(alright already)

 

I guess I just never thought of myself as a loser. 

​I always thought of myself as more of a weirdo...

You say it to yourself over and over again because you didn't see it like an insult to yourself, but a fact.

That's just a part of who you are. 

You don't want me to stop you from tearing yourself down.  

I said I understood what you meant and I saw that in myself as well. 

In fact it feels incredibly fitting.  

You know it's an insult.

Of course it is.   

To me, it seemed silly. Trying to protect me by distancing yourself from me. 

​At least that's the only positive way I could understand what you were saying. 

Maybe I don't, maybe I hardly understand a word you're saying. 

Being a loser means being compassionate and humble.

Forgiving, even of those who may not deserve or appreciate it. 

Abstract in the sense of personality and soul. 

 

Accepting.  

 

                                      Care-Free.   Sensitive.   

                           

            Open minded. 

 

The list doesn't end for you. 

This system of things won't look you in the eye. 


I am in pain, please be patient with me. 

 

my poetry compilation⇊

 

https://www.myproana...ry-compilation/


#15 derealination

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Posted 08 December 2018 - 04:06 AM

(aoays) 

 

Resting in the bed of the truck, dad is standing in a monstrous pile of fallen trees. 

Mom besides me taking a break as well. 

He gases up the chainsaw. 

The smell of crisp fall around us, fresh air. 

Deep browns, reds and oranges. 

What a beautiful life it is. 

Who's life is this? 

Surely it can't be mine... 

What a wonderful life it is. 

Then why wouldn't I claim it as mine, even if it weren't?


I am in pain, please be patient with me. 

 

my poetry compilation⇊

 

https://www.myproana...ry-compilation/


#16 derealination

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Posted 08 December 2018 - 04:07 AM

(black paper)

I wonder if maybe someday I will go too far and hit rock bottom. 

A point of no return.

Then I wonder if I'm already there.

Could I turn back now if I wanted to? 

 

(cl had to do it to em)


I am in pain, please be patient with me. 

 

my poetry compilation⇊

 

https://www.myproana...ry-compilation/


#17 derealination

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Posted 08 December 2018 - 04:08 AM

(my sisters empty apartment/6:53am)

 

Everyones a victim, have another cup of coffee and try again. 

When things begin to have meaning, I mean deeper meaning. 

It's like everything in the world is connected, like theres a plan. 

Things are supposed to happen this way. 

But then maybe you're just being delusional. 

Maybe everything just means nothing.

Doesn't matter. 

I probably won't find out for a while and that's okay. 

I'd rather not know.

Wanting, craving to feel something.

That's okay.

That's okay.

That's okay.

That's okay. 

 

When everything feels dumb and meaningless, who do you go to?

Do you even go to anyone?

When something good happens and you're excited, where do you feel it in your body? 

What stops you from sharing that moment?

When everything stops, and you're left. 

Stop being a selfish bitch. 

WHEN WERE YOU GONNA TELL ME? 

THAT WAS NOT YOUR CALL! 

AND YOU KNOW THAT!

SO WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?

HOW COULD YOU MINDLESSLY HURT ME LIKE THIS? 


  • Mockingbird9 likes this

I am in pain, please be patient with me. 

 

my poetry compilation⇊

 

https://www.myproana...ry-compilation/


#18 derealination

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Posted 08 December 2018 - 04:09 AM

(old library desk)

 

As wrong as it is.

You've messed me up. 

You make me think that I want this. 

It's not until after you're done with me, do I realize, 

You are the last thing I want. 

​You fed me love and attention, you blinded me. 

I was so excited, so amazed, I couldn't stop looking down into the water. 

Though underneath I was angry, he was all too familiar. 

Then I realized where this old friend came from. 

 

I think I forget the things that happened are very much real.

Very, very real. 

Sometimes I'll wake up from a nightmare and I'll still feel him, I can't move.  

Thinking about all the things he did to me in front of his girlfriends.

They just smiled, laughing a little bit.

I felt a burning in my face, I held his hand so tightly.

I looked for comfort in the one hurting me. 

I remember him showing me his truck, the smooth leather on the inside.

It was calling me to crawl inside.   

He told me he would never hurt me.  

I used to mistake the need to cry with the need to climax. 

Looking into the water, a million miles away I still feel you besides me. 

Watching colorful flowers come from the rich dirt. 

I know you saw the beauty in me. 


  • Mockingbird9 likes this

I am in pain, please be patient with me. 

 

my poetry compilation⇊

 

https://www.myproana...ry-compilation/


#19 derealination

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Posted 10 December 2018 - 10:58 PM

(library/8:26pm)

 

I forgot my tea on the kitchen counter at home. 

Resting on the floor, looking up into the golden beams being softly lit with the warm lamp glow. 

It impresses me as would an empty auditorium slowly filling for a show. 

The beauty, the excitement for the best parts of life. 

Memories you feel would be hard to forget. 

I feel a dull emptiness in my heart, and deep in my soul. 

I want to do something.

Prove something.

Fix something.

Say something.

 

I am so alone, I need something to hold on to.

Tell me this is real, that this is right. 

I am scared to fade away and be forgotten.

But all this is, is denial. 

I just need someone to hold my hand and please don't let go. 

Don't leave me alone in the dirt to rot away. 

Stay here with me so I won't get cold.

Tell me you remember me, that you miss me, that you love me.

And please never go, I'm scared to be alone. 


  • Mockingbird9 likes this

I am in pain, please be patient with me. 

 

my poetry compilation⇊

 

https://www.myproana...ry-compilation/


#20 derealination

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Posted 12 December 2018 - 12:01 AM

(bathroom counter)

 

I feel dirty, and ugly and gross.

but most of all I feel tired. 

​I feel like I can't just clean up. 

Once the leftover makeup is off and my skin is clean and soft.

​I look into the mirror again and its still there.

Seeping from the inside out. 

​I can't hide my lack of sleep, 

​or the days I've slept till 4pm. 

​I can't hide my last fast,

​or the days I ate anything I could find.

I can't hide my red crying eyes,

or the happiness I feel when I finally see you again.  

I feel it's painfully obvious what's happening to me. 


  • Mockingbird9 likes this

I am in pain, please be patient with me. 

 

my poetry compilation⇊

 

https://www.myproana...ry-compilation/




Also tagged with one or more of these keywords: poetry, writing, mental illness, borderline, hallucinations, BPD, DRD, DPD, trauma, CSA

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