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Tears of Anger of Rage (Poetry Compilation)

poetry writing mental illness borderline hallucinations BPD DRD DPD trauma CSA

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#21 derealination

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Posted 12 December 2018 - 01:24 AM

(an empty instagram)

 

Constant change. 

Fleeting feelings. 

Wavering trust. 

Self consciousness. 

Confusion and hurt feelings. 

 

I had this feeling of comfort, of "Oh! you're finally home.

It's been so long, where have you been?

So much has happened while you were gone." 

Then a rush of everything that happened while you were here came rushing back.

I wanted you out the door. 

I knew it was the right thing to do...

When I'm old I'll still remember you, you'll always be a memory, something that happened in my life. 

I'll wonder what happened to you, where you're at now. 

Maybe I'll never find out, this could be the last time we talk. 

But that is the best part. 

I let you go a long time ago,

I'm happier now... 

Without you.  


I am in pain, please be patient with me. 

 

my poetry compilation⇊

 

https://www.myproana...ry-compilation/


#22 derealination

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Posted 12 December 2018 - 01:42 AM

(slow sunset)

 

Waiting for the sunset, a small fluffy phantom sits beside me, watching me. 

We wait for the sunset together. 

The same day over and over again, but a new sunset every night. 

Waking up but never really waking up. 

I feel like I'm in a never ending dream, 

Only coming up for air. 

Sudden moments of clarity. 

For a few seconds I can really see bits of the real world, of reality. 

It's a real trip to be falling in and out of reality.

It's an empty feeling. 

An empty, empty feeling. 

I become numb and empty once again. 

I fill up, then everything pours out. 

Seeing my own blood for the first time in months was exhilarating. 

Pulling out my nails, biting my tongue, punching walls and seeing blood. 

I feel pathetic. 

I think it's sad that I choose to fill my days, my mind, my life with empty empty lies. 

Once my insides start pouring out I have a different sense of clarity.

I see how I bother and burden everyone. 

Screaming "It's true, this is really reality!"

But everyone says it really isn't. 

I'm not sure who or what I should truly believe in...

Not myself. 


I am in pain, please be patient with me. 

 

my poetry compilation⇊

 

https://www.myproana...ry-compilation/


#23 derealination

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Posted 12 December 2018 - 01:55 AM

(self portrait)

 

The songs that help me to cry and feel something don't do what they're supposed to anymore. 

I just have this feeling of "I know. I'm sorry."

Emotionless, numb. 

I feel like theres so much I have to get out, 

But really theres just nothing left inside me.

 

"Sometimes,

More often than not,

It's especially difficult for me to explain how I'm feeling. 

Sometimes I know exactly what I want to say,

But that doesn't mean I say anything at all." 

I repeat it and he corrects me or encourages me. 

Which I know, it sounds controlling. 

But my spine is weak,

I'd rather not fight myself on who is right,

or who is wrong. 

 

Everything I do is just for fun. 

​To feel what everyone else feels. 

When I make mistakes they go on repeat for the rest of the day. 

​I never really forget. 

​Being told directions, just for me to mess them up. 

I try my best, 

But my best is your bad day. 


  • Mockingbird9 likes this

I am in pain, please be patient with me. 

 

my poetry compilation⇊

 

https://www.myproana...ry-compilation/


#24 derealination

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Posted 12 December 2018 - 02:03 AM

(sympathy)

 

You look down on me but I'm trying. 

Listening to him while he lays against my ears. 

I see you speaking, but I don't realize you're silent. 

I can't do anything right, I'm so stupid. 

Covering my eyes, my ears like a mask. 

I'm not allowed to be happy. 

I am a stupid mistake. 

I get ready in the bathroom, 

In the early morning I peer into the mirror. 

My left eye is a little bigger than my right. 

Some days my left eye is so large I fear it'll fall off my face. 

I do my make up as nicely as I can. 

Scrambling through my bag looking for concealer. 

Swipe under my eyes, over my bruises,

cover up acne, wipe away smudged eyeliner


I am in pain, please be patient with me. 

 

my poetry compilation⇊

 

https://www.myproana...ry-compilation/


#25 derealination

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Posted 12 December 2018 - 03:35 PM

(dream 01)

 

A huge auditorium of people but I'm not with my family. 

I have a picture of them in my hand but I can't find them. 

Only people who look similar. 

A text message on my phone go around the side. 

I think it's from Camaryn. 

Maybe he saw me. 

Quite a few people are waking out of the building. 

I'm burdened by influencing the younger girls. 

The girl before me influences the girl before her. 

Huge glass windows wrap around the building and the sun is shining through. 

I go outside and everyone is happy, the grass is very green. 

I go around the side and there's a large garage door. 

I set my things down on the concrete. 

I'm cutting things out getting ready to go through the side. 

I have my flashlight ready. 

little boy appears besides me and tells me my doctor has died.

Suddenly I'm met with a loss of hope...

He was supposed to fix me. 

I turn around and there's a dimly lit hallway to the other side, but I cannot see the opening on the end. 

No light at the end of the tunnel.

I start walking and the lights turn on 

I see the door, 

But it's shut and 

I know it's locked. 

As I keep walking I start to bounce.

The intervals get longer and longer, eventually I'm so high I can feel the sun on my face.

My eyes are closed and I savor this overwhelming moment of pure bliss. 

I'm preparing for death?

I didn't say anything but I could hear myself .

A comforting voice appears from nothing and confirms, yes. 

It's my mom.

I begin to cry and I realize my life has been so beautiful not be cause of what I've done, 

But because I looked back on all the beautiful moments of nothing I saved.

Just the feeling of relaxation and beauty.  

I begin to cry harder and the feeling becomes overwhelming.

I wake up. 


I am in pain, please be patient with me. 

 

my poetry compilation⇊

 

https://www.myproana...ry-compilation/


#26 derealination

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Posted 12 December 2018 - 06:21 PM

(moving on)

 

If you had really loved me, you wouldn't have left me. 

You haven't crossed my mind in quite some time. 

You gave up the right to contact me when you left. 

Beautiful diamond white beaches, colorful birds and mixed drinks. 

It was fun at first, but you served your purpose. 

I tried my best to enjoy myself, but I wasn't myself.

You're useless to me.

I remember how much you meant to me. 

How much I loved you.  

You threw it all away. 

Why would I ever forgive you. 

How could I ever take your apologies seriously. 

​I stopped missing you the moment I met you.

I realized how hard it was for you to love me. 

when I met you.. you taught me what love truly is. 

It makes me sad that part of my life is over, 

But at the same time I'm so glad it is.

 

Next chapter.


I am in pain, please be patient with me. 

 

my poetry compilation⇊

 

https://www.myproana...ry-compilation/


#27 derealination

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Posted 12 December 2018 - 06:39 PM

(appreciation) 

 

Isn't it interesting? 

Being ultimately consumed in thought,

Opening the door. 

Peering inside, will you let go?

I mean let go completely? 

When will you drift off? 

Realizing that nothing is truly tied to you,

You are a continuous entity. 

The white walls that surround you,

Spinning around in your own skull.

There isn't a moment when I don't feel a sense of wonder.

Every word I speak comes out like part of a script.

I feel my past isn't mine, and it isn't something to be erased. 

That was a terrible story of a little girl, I was given this story to protect. 

I don't know who I am, or what is happening. 

I have lived for hundreds of years, I don't remember my beginning, 

I haven't truly died. 

I think moments last forever... 

Until the next moment comes. 

Then that moment lasts forever, and it keeps going like that. 

When I get a moment that lasts a little longer than usual, it sticks with me for awhile. 

I remember the moments that lasted longer than forever. 

But it never drags. 

Instead it's peaceful and quiet. 

Like everything is passed and I can live there for the rest of my life. 

But then the next moment comes and everything goes back to normal. 

Then next time a moment like that arrives I remember to savor it. 

Talking,

Listening, 

Never forgetting to breathe. 

Always keep breathing. 


I am in pain, please be patient with me. 

 

my poetry compilation⇊

 

https://www.myproana...ry-compilation/


#28 derealination

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Posted 12 December 2018 - 06:54 PM

(May/Monday)

 

HURT ME!

MAKE ME FEEL PAIN!

It's the only way I can feel...

 

I smell soup cooking in the kitchen. 

I'm hungry even though I shouldn't be. 

But I love soup. 

Deer soup, duck soup, that's okay. 

I don't like rabbit soup. 

Eating it makes me sad. 

The little legs are so small.

Sometimes I bury it in the backyard so that the bunny is put to rest. 

Even if it's just his little leg, I think that's enough. 

When we get deers,

I take the tails and throw them off the cliff at barge beach. 

That way the deers can be put to rest as well. 

But the souls I take care of, I keep. 

 

I put my flowers in jars or books. 

Sometimes I dry them so I can always remember that someone thought of me. 

I keep them where I can see them. 

Rocks and shells, they remind me of being in the water, 

of slow rosy sunsets. 

Those moments that last forever. 

I never want them to go away. 

So I hold on to them for a long as I can. 

Journals help me to hold on to this comforting pain, 

my bad days, without dwelling on them. 

I can still keep them, 

and that's all I truly want. 

To hold on to what I can. 

Since it isn't much these days, 

Sadly. 


I am in pain, please be patient with me. 

 

my poetry compilation⇊

 

https://www.myproana...ry-compilation/


#29 derealination

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Posted 14 December 2018 - 10:07 PM

(reflect)

 

A flock of black crows soar high above my head.

I speed through the streets with my eyes on the gray sky. 

One of those moments, I feel true freedom. 

My nose is cold, my jacket is wide open. 

I don't have a destination, but I know where I'm going. 

​Sometimes I make wide circles to waste time.

​I enjoy being busy with something, I'm out right now, I'm sorry I can't make it. 

Maybe tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow. 

​Please ask me again tomorrow. 

Check on me, watch me cry, hear me complain. 

 

I hit a slab of ice and run into the railing besides me.  

Crashing my bike, I smack my face on the frozen metal. 

My vision takes a moment to clear, I feel dizzy.

I don't get up, I just lay there in the road. 

Deep breath...

FRUSTRATING.

I throw my bike over the railing and it tumbles down the hill and into the bushes.

I rip off my coat and throw that too.

​The immense pressure builds up behind my face, I can't help but to break into tears.

Screaming at the unchanging gray sky, the birds in the trees watch me,

they find the situation amusing. 

 

​I think back to the things I didn't say while I watched you turn your back on me. 

You're so promising, and sweet and thoughtful. 

You make me cry, the tears sizzle on my cheeks. 

​Please stop screaming, I thought I was making a friend. 

Leave this girl alone, I like her better than you. 

Stop making promises to me, empty unfulfilled promises are the same as lying. 

You never tell me the whole truth. 

 

Vow to never go through with it, 

Or vow to never do it again. 


I am in pain, please be patient with me. 

 

my poetry compilation⇊

 

https://www.myproana...ry-compilation/


#30 derealination

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Posted 16 December 2018 - 03:24 AM

(poured out)

 

Standing on the frozen concrete. 

Completely struck with awe watching the pink clouds slowly roll by.

Every color spread throughout the sky. 

My eyes are wet and my nose is running. 

I no longer feel ashamed when cars pass by. 

Because nothing feel real anymore. 

Everything but the swirling colors up above looks flat, empty and gray.

Almost like paper, a fake little town. 

I want to go home.

But not to my house. 

Crying, feeling like a lost child.  

Soon I can't help but to fall apart, I get down and sit on my feet. 

Scratching that itch, almost like a vocal tic. 

I have to savor this moment, soon it will only be a memory.

I have to keep walking, it's so cold I can barely feel my legs.

But I can't help but to keep looking back. 

Slowly the painting melts away through the trees. 

I watch my breath raise into the twilight sky. 

The next moment has come. 


I am in pain, please be patient with me. 

 

my poetry compilation⇊

 

https://www.myproana...ry-compilation/


#31 derealination

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Posted 17 December 2018 - 03:59 AM

(a cry for help)

 

Well, well well... 

You've finally opened your eyes again and you are lost.

​Another unfamiliar area, unfamiliar feelings. 

You were so sure at first,

What happened?

​You never lied but you didn't tell the truth either.

Which makes you a liar nonetheless. 

​That's all you are, a manipulator. 

​Just hide away. 

​You know you lost it. 

​Thinking you were in a stable spot,

but now you begin to realize you lost it, 

Your touch. 

​Playing a character,

The person you wish you were. 

​You hope, you pray someone realizes, someone sees. 

"SOMEONE HELP ME!"

You never truly reach out. 

Your subtle hints are barely recognizable,

Irritating and frustrating at most.

​Almost feeling resentful of those who have shown you who you are. 

​You see them as someone who has taken from you. 

​But you've only taken from them. 

​You're a thief of energy, love and trust. 

To fill your empty heart. 

You're horrible and you know it. 

But you'll never do anything about it because you feel sorry for yourself. 

​But what happens when you meet someone you love more than you love yourself? 


I am in pain, please be patient with me. 

 

my poetry compilation⇊

 

https://www.myproana...ry-compilation/


#32 derealination

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Posted 17 December 2018 - 04:28 AM

(dream 02)

 

Holding tightly to the raft, trying to keep my head above the muddy water. 

Quietly I wade through the polluted swamp. 

The sky is a dark red, night has fallen. 

A sense of fear is buried deep in my stomach. 

I can't let anyone know where I am. 

I approach a rotting dock, on the other side is a partially sunken car. 

Once I get close to the vehicle I look inside the windshield. 

There's a dark haired woman staring back at me. 

I jump back in shock before I realize she's dead. 

Leaving the dock I continue on in the water, slowly making it to the other side. 

Theres a loud and wild village booming in the hills. 

My main goal is to retrieve my bike from a certain home. 

Walking though the town in the shadows, people mixing potions and drinking liquor. 

They resemble humans but are towering beasts, sick in the brain and hungry. 

Their ribs are visible underneath their green matted fur. 

I sneak past until I have an urge to stop and turn around. 

My gaze meets theirs. 

Their gruesome faces lit with with a raging fire, cold sunken eyes pierce mine. 

They are no longer smiling and dancing, but frozen like statues. 

Slowly they turn back around and stand silently. 

Confused, I take the opportunity to escape, I run through the dirt streets to the top of the hill. 

I enter an orange house, there is a large creature sitting in the corner fast asleep. 

I walk my bike out the door and back onto the road. 

I wake up.


I am in pain, please be patient with me. 

 

my poetry compilation⇊

 

https://www.myproana...ry-compilation/


#33 derealination

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Posted 18 December 2018 - 09:14 PM

(my cage hugs me tighter than you ever could)

 

I remember when freedom was so easy to define, and within reach. 

A moment of meditation, of reflection fed me more than any trip ever could. 

Then any drink ever could, than any person ever could. 

Because I know myself best,

I respect myself the most,

I consider myself heavily and decisions are made with my best interest in mind. 

I am my own partner. 

I am my own savior. 

Any more rage inside me, and I'll rip apart.

My anger drives me away from you and back to myself. 

​I remember who was always there for me, who never forgot about me.

​And it wasn't you. 


I am in pain, please be patient with me. 

 

my poetry compilation⇊

 

https://www.myproana...ry-compilation/


#34 derealination

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Posted 19 December 2018 - 01:36 AM

(roadside)

 

Everything is okay, I'm breathing, I'm calm.

I'm not angry, I'm hurt and disappointed. 

You never really looked into me, you saw through me. 

There was rain falling all around us, I thought it was perfect. 

The connection is strong, but you are emotionally distant. 

I see you through the snow, the world passes us by. 

I keep my eyes on you. 

The look on your face... is empathetic. 

I feel like I can't correctly express how I feel about you. 

I hate you, I'm angry at you, but I want to see you again in the years to come. 

I want to see you every morning. Every night I want to know where you are. 

The feeling inside my empty chest is pain.

Empty, empty, pain. 


  • etrox318 likes this

I am in pain, please be patient with me. 

 

my poetry compilation⇊

 

https://www.myproana...ry-compilation/


#35 derealination

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Posted 19 December 2018 - 02:41 AM

​(Ioaion) 

 

If one thing could drive me to go through with a plan, dwelling on my loneliness would.

I have never not wanted a friend. I have never turned down an opportunity to make a friend or grow a relationship. 

The anxiety of rejection, of being disliked hangs over my head as a noose.

​Putting myself out there again and again even though each time it hurt a little worse. 

I used to hold on the the hope that maybe it'll turn out like the movies. 

Finding an unlikely friend that stays with me through thick and thin. 

Looking back and seeing all the people I used to consider friends is nauseating.

Realizing just how dumb I looked believing those people, thinking I was doing okay.

I knew they thought it was hilarious, if I meant enough to them. Otherwise I'm sure they didn't even realize or care. 

Never was I wanted or liked or appreciated or considered. 

​My teachers told some of the other girls to include me because they saw I was struggling.

I have always needed a friend, someone to be there with me. I have always been alone, and I will always be.

That's just the way it is sometimes with certain people.

My chances of making a real friend were ruined a long time ago.

I can't have a normal relationship, and I most likely never will.

 

I don't know why I dwell on this, I suppose I feel very sorry for myself. 

Of course I can't think about this too often, but every now and again something will remind me of the pattern I've faced all my life. 

​I want to comfort myself when I see other people hanging out and enjoying themselves. 

The last time someone comforted me while I cried was when I was a little girl, my cat was being put down. 

I cried into his chest for a few minutes, then he left. 

My friends go to parties, and hang out with each other all the time. I see them out and about.

I just look.

I can't let myself look for too long, I can't let myself dwell on it.

They see me, and look away.

Someone please think about me, wonder about me, want to see me, want to hang out with me. 

​I don't like being second, third, fourth, fifth choice every time. Why didn't you want to hang out with me? Did I do something?

I can change, I have changed so much, to the point that I don't even know who I am. And I am still alone.

Never will I be enough. I will always be too much. 

I like to smoke, and drink and listen to music.

I don't know a lot about the world, not even my own, but that doesn't mean I don't want to learn.

I have never really done well in school, in fact I've always needed help.

I like my mediocre art, it's fun to me. I like giving my art my own personal meaning.

Even if it means nothing to you.

I want my home to be clean and relaxing, I want there to be peace and understanding in our family.

I just don't want to be silenced. 

I'm not asking for a lot, just to pass your mind before a bullet passes mine.


I am in pain, please be patient with me. 

 

my poetry compilation⇊

 

https://www.myproana...ry-compilation/


#36 derealination

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Posted 20 December 2018 - 01:29 AM

"He seemed so strong, so remarkably powerful," the 

Count went on, his voice warm and lulling. "I only 

wondered if he possessed true sensitivity, as some men

of great might, as you know, do not. For example, I 

wonder: is he capable of tears?" 

​-The Princess Bride

 

(bleeding)

 

Drinking every night, but not enough to feel anything. 

​Cutting myself in a way that it looks like an accident. 

​Just seeing injuries I've inflicted on myself somehow validates my feelings. 

Looking at my wounds and reminding myself that no healthy person would do this to themselves. 

​It doesn't always work, I feel like I'm just pretending... 

The moments I go to far, I'm covered in blood, feeling numb. 

Being too tired to clean it up, I fall asleep on the bathroom floor.

I just make sure to lock the door. 

​I don't think you understand what it truly feels like to be alone. 

​I can't remember much of my childhood. 

My last real memory from my childhood was when I was preparing for a school dance. 

​I think I was ten or eleven.

I don't remember the bake sales, or trips to the park. I don't remember getting my first ipod or fun days in school. 

I had such a colorful and blessed childhood. 

​I never went hungry, I had both my parents, my family was happy and active. 

And I wasn't able to enjoy or remember any of it. 

Looking back on pictures or home videos strikes nothing in me, it's almost like seeing a stranger. 

I've been away from my home for so long, I can't remember where it is.

 

I still remember wetting my bed after having nightmares.

I still remember all the different tastes, the different feelings. 

I still remember putting bandaids over my bruises and wearing long sleeved shirts to cover myself. 

I still remember the incredible pain, and the nights I stayed up crying into my stuffed animals

before I knew what it really meant.  

I still remember too much. 

 

​I turn around and theres nothing left, the past is far off in the distance. 

I'm in a white room, my room. 

Once again I'm dancing around in my skull. 

I look forward and I see myself. 

​And she's looking back at me. 

Everything is gone. 

My world feels misplaced. 


I am in pain, please be patient with me. 

 

my poetry compilation⇊

 

https://www.myproana...ry-compilation/


#37 derealination

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Posted 20 December 2018 - 02:19 AM

(a never ending tunnel)

 

"​I'm sorry for everything that I've done." 

​"I wish I could take it all back, you didn't deserve any of that." 

"I should have treated you better, I should have shown you more respect. "

"​I wish I could make to up to you, though I know I can't.

​ I hope you'll let me try for the rest of my life."

You're choking yourself, sleeping peacefully. 

​Why can't you tell me what I so desperately want to hear.

 

​I didn't have to come and talk to you, I don't have to talk again for the rest of my life. 

​I don't have to see you ever again if I don't want to. 

There is something above your shoulders, behind you is a mound of treasure. 

"Why would you keep this from me?" 

I look into your eyes, and I'm looking into my own. 

​I push you gently and you fall flat. 

 

"You're acting like he took everything from you." 

​Did he not? Did he not take away my childhood?

My innocents? My will to live? To thrive? 

Did he not take the life of me at all? 

He took everything from me. 

​I can't make friends, I can't be close to people. 

​I feel I have to hide everything I am because I know my everything, 

He created. 

He made me the way I am today. 


  • etrox318 likes this

I am in pain, please be patient with me. 

 

my poetry compilation⇊

 

https://www.myproana...ry-compilation/


#38 derealination

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Posted 20 December 2018 - 02:26 AM

(home)

 

Lonely, lonely, lonely. 

When I think of heaven I think of peace. 

That's what I tell myself. 

When I think of heaven I think of poorly lit hospital hallways, 

Saying goodbye to another patient. 

It's comforting in an odd way, 

Because you know you're safe and everyone is gonna do what they can for you. 

At least it seems that way.

Instead of dying alone in your bed, only to be found rotting. 


I am in pain, please be patient with me. 

 

my poetry compilation⇊

 

https://www.myproana...ry-compilation/


#39 derealination

derealination

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Posted 21 December 2018 - 12:21 AM

(saying goodnight)

 

I feel cold and empty. 

I feel cold. 

​I feel like I'm sleeping, and I want to wake up soon. 

If I believe in paradise, why am I still here?

I'll close my eyes for the last time, and I'll open them for the last time. 

No more turning away, 

No more pushing. 

I can be with you forever. 

Slowly my pain, 

My emptiness, 

My hurt will fade away forever. 

Never again will I feel alone. 

I know the artist of my favorite skies will be holding my hand, 

and will never let go. 

The angels will be by my side. 

Watching out the window, 

I have forever to wonder. 

I have forever to heal. 

I will never look back. 


I am in pain, please be patient with me. 

 

my poetry compilation⇊

 

https://www.myproana...ry-compilation/


#40 derealination

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Posted 22 December 2018 - 01:51 AM

(desperate)

 

I didn't do much today. 

This morning I sat on my couch and cried silently into a blanket. 

Later I collected some of my watered down blood in a jar. 

I took some medicine I didn't need and ate an assortment of vitamin tablets.

I skipped my favorite songs and sat through most of my day in silence. 

 

Comfort is something I have to have. 

A soft pair of socks or a small candle are often underestimated. 

A hot cup of tea every evening makes me feel human.

Even if I fall asleep before I can drink it, I have to have it.

Comfort is something I have to have.  


I am in pain, please be patient with me. 

 

my poetry compilation⇊

 

https://www.myproana...ry-compilation/




Also tagged with one or more of these keywords: poetry, writing, mental illness, borderline, hallucinations, BPD, DRD, DPD, trauma, CSA

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