If one thing could drive me to go through with a plan, dwelling on my loneliness would.
I have never not wanted a friend. I have never turned down an opportunity to make a friend or grow a relationship.
The anxiety of rejection, of being disliked hangs over my head as a noose.
Putting myself out there again and again even though each time it hurt a little worse.
I used to hold on the the hope that maybe it'll turn out like the movies.
Finding an unlikely friend that stays with me through thick and thin.
Looking back and seeing all the people I used to consider friends is nauseating.
Realizing just how dumb I looked believing those people, thinking I was doing okay.
I knew they thought it was hilarious, if I meant enough to them. Otherwise I'm sure they didn't even realize or care.
Never was I wanted or liked or appreciated or considered.
My teachers told some of the other girls to include me because they saw I was struggling.
I have always needed a friend, someone to be there with me. I have always been alone, and I will always be.
That's just the way it is sometimes with certain people.
My chances of making a real friend were ruined a long time ago.
I can't have a normal relationship, and I most likely never will.
I don't know why I dwell on this, I suppose I feel very sorry for myself.
Of course I can't think about this too often, but every now and again something will remind me of the pattern I've faced all my life.
I want to comfort myself when I see other people hanging out and enjoying themselves.
The last time someone comforted me while I cried was when I was a little girl, my cat was being put down.
I cried into his chest for a few minutes, then he left.
My friends go to parties, and hang out with each other all the time. I see them out and about.
I just look.
I can't let myself look for too long, I can't let myself dwell on it.
They see me, and look away.
Someone please think about me, wonder about me, want to see me, want to hang out with me.
I don't like being second, third, fourth, fifth choice every time. Why didn't you want to hang out with me? Did I do something?
I can change, I have changed so much, to the point that I don't even know who I am. And I am still alone.
Never will I be enough. I will always be too much.
I like to smoke, and drink and listen to music.
I don't know a lot about the world, not even my own, but that doesn't mean I don't want to learn.
I have never really done well in school, in fact I've always needed help.
I like my mediocre art, it's fun to me. I like giving my art my own personal meaning.
Even if it means nothing to you.
I want my home to be clean and relaxing, I want there to be peace and understanding in our family.
I just don't want to be silenced.
I'm not asking for a lot, just to pass your mind before a bullet passes mine.