(All Of You)
There isn't much you can say to me anymore.
The words that come through your fingertips do nothing to me.
They pass by my mind quickly, processed and delivered.
I can't tell reality apart from my daily life.
Every bad thing thats happened to me is something I deserved.
I feel numb.
No real feeling.
Completely lacking emotion.
I feel like a liar, like a fraud in front of you.
I am an angry person, I have so much hate inside my heart.
I don't love like I think I do.
I have even deceived myself.
I've been put down my entire life and my skin hasn't gotten any thicker.
In fact each blow hurts worse than the last.
Being abandoned and forgotten.
I remember your name, but you don't remember mine.
You were my first friend,
You taught me your favorite games.
They scared me.
I said I didn't want to play anymore, and you didn't like that.
You said I'd always be alone if I didn't play your games with you,
You said my body was all I was really good for.
I believed you.
You said I should be thankful I have someone to touch my disgusting body.
I always said thank you after you were done.
You were my very first crush,
When you found out you hit me in the face because you didn't like that.
You said I was gross.
The other kids on the play ground just watching.
I said sorry with blood on my tongue.
I hid in the bathroom for the rest of the day,
I couldn't get the laughter out of my head.
You were my only friend,
I knew I wasn't yours, but I needed you.
I started to give you everything I had in hopes that you'd stay.
You called me annoying and clingy,
you didn't like that.
I was confused.
We were always supposed to be there for each other.
You were my very first boyfriend,
I wanted to make you happy so I let you touch me.
But when I got scared and said stop you yelled at me and called me a bitch.
You didn't like that.
You said that's all I'll ever be to you if I don't relax.
I kept quiet next time.
You were my first girlfriend.
I always tried to build you up, I didn't want you to feel like I did.
But eventually it all went to your head.
When we were arguing you called me stupid.
You called me ugly.
I said I know.
I've been second choice my whole life and for a while I thought I had never been told why.
I had concluded there was something wrong with my appearance.
I had a painful realization that it didn't matter if I was skinny,
or that I had a brand new handbag or glittery eyeshadow.
I am alone because of the way I am.
Because of who I am.
My self esteem is so fragile, building it up takes all my energy,
and your searching eyes tear it all down.
Because you know I'm not all there,
but for you I wish I could be.
For years I dreamt of crying my heart out to you telling you how worthless you made me feel.
But when I see you on the street I freeze while you tell me
"You've grown up to be such a beautiful young woman."
All I can squeeze out is a pathetic "Thanks."
Every night I tear myself apart thinking about it.
But I shouldn't be so surprised,
I've been a coward all my life.
All because of you.