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Tears of Anger of Rage (Poetry Compilation)

poetry writing mental illness borderline hallucinations BPD DRD DPD trauma CSA

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#41 derealination

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Posted 22 December 2018 - 03:05 AM

(All Of You)

 

There isn't much you can say to me anymore.

The words that come through your fingertips do nothing to me.  

They pass by my mind quickly, processed and delivered. 

I can't tell reality apart from my daily life. 

Every bad thing thats happened to me is something I deserved.

I feel numb.

No real feeling.

Completely lacking emotion. 

I feel like a liar, like a fraud in front of you. 

​I am an angry person, I have so much hate inside my heart. 

​I don't love like I think I do. 

​I have even deceived myself. 

 

I've been put down my entire life and my skin hasn't gotten any thicker. 

In fact each blow hurts worse than the last. 

Being abandoned and forgotten. 

I remember your name, but you don't remember mine.

 

You were my first friend, 

 You taught me your favorite games.

They scared me. 

I said I didn't want to play anymore, and you didn't like that.

You said I'd always be alone if I didn't play your games with you, 

You said my body was all I was really good for. 

I believed you.

​You said I should be thankful I have someone to touch my disgusting body. 

I always said thank you after you were done.  

 

You were my very first crush, 

When you found out you hit me in the face because you didn't like that.

You said I was gross. 

The other kids on the play ground just watching. 

I said sorry with blood on my tongue. 

I hid in the bathroom for the rest of the day, 

​I couldn't get the laughter out of my head. 

 

You were my only friend, 

​I knew I wasn't yours, but I needed you.  

I started to give you everything I had in hopes that you'd stay. 

You called me annoying and clingy, 

you didn't like that. 

I was confused. 

​We were always supposed to be there for each other. 

 

You were my very first boyfriend, 

 I wanted to make you happy so I let you touch me. 

But when I got scared and said stop you yelled at me and called me a bitch. 

You didn't like that. 

You said that's all I'll ever be to you if I don't relax. 

I kept quiet next time. 

 

You were my first girlfriend. 

I always tried to build you up, I didn't want you to feel like I did. 

But eventually it all went to your head. 

When we were arguing you called me stupid. 

You called me ugly.

I said I know. 

 

I've been second choice my whole life and for a while I thought I had never been told why. 

I had concluded there was something wrong with my appearance.

I had a painful realization that it didn't matter if I was skinny,

or that I had a brand new handbag or glittery eyeshadow. 

Nothing changed. 

I am alone because of the way I am. 

Because of who I am.

My self esteem is so fragile, building it up takes all my energy, 

and your searching eyes tear it all down.

Because you know I'm not all there, 

but for you I wish I could be. 

For years I dreamt of crying my heart out to you telling you how worthless you made me feel. 

But when I see you on the street I freeze while you tell me 

"You've grown up to be such a beautiful young woman." 

All I can squeeze out is a pathetic "Thanks."

Every night I tear myself apart thinking about it. 

But I shouldn't be so surprised, 

I've been a coward all my life. 

All because of you. 


  • etrox318 likes this

I am in pain, please be patient with me. 

 

my poetry compilation⇊

 

https://www.myproana...ry-compilation/


#42 derealination

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Posted 23 December 2018 - 12:48 AM

(5/12/15 freshly trimmed lawn)

 

 

I want to keep to myself, I want to enjoy the silence.

I want to be alone. 

Sometimes I feel like I don't need any friends, 

I feel like there isn't much of a point to putting so much effort in

something or someone that might not even be worth it. 

 

But then I want to cry and scream, 

I want to tell someone exactly whats going on, 

and how I'm feeling in detail.

I want someone to enjoy the view with me. 

I want someone who enjoys all my favorite things as much as I do. 

The sky, a cup of tea, the silence.

I want to laugh and relax with friends. 

I want to hang out and have fun, just enjoy my life as it is now.

I want to take pictures and make memories.

 

I just want someone to acknowledge me,

and see me as an individual, a person.

I feel like no one really looks at me and appreciates me.

I just want them to confirm to me that I matter to them.

That I'm not just a hiccup in their day.

Is that all I am? 


  • mariannedashwood likes this

I am in pain, please be patient with me. 

 

my poetry compilation⇊

 

https://www.myproana...ry-compilation/


#43 derealination

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Posted 23 December 2018 - 02:10 AM

(reframe for me)

 

It'll fix you.

I know you belittle me. 

My problems aren't as bad as yours. 

You could handle that, that's not a big deal. 

You think I should be more forgiving. 

Stop overthinking, stop dwelling on it. 

Let it go.

I should relax. 

I should appreciate what I do have. 

I should appreciate those around me. 

I should be thankful my situation isn't worse. 

It could always be worse, 

My situation could be like yours. 

You had nothing. 

You were traumatized. 

You were lonely, not like me. 

I didn't have it that bad. 

Why are you so sad. 

Be happy. 

Be happy. 

Be happy.

 

 


I am in pain, please be patient with me. 

 

my poetry compilation⇊

 

https://www.myproana...ry-compilation/


#44 derealination

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Posted 24 December 2018 - 01:25 AM

(gray ocean, soft rain)

 

How do you preserve a rose forever? 

How do you tell him how you feel? 

How do you trick yourself into living life? 

 

Emotions heightened, I feel close to you. 

I'm afraid of the illusion of love. 

Of closeness.

Something about the thought of you makes me feel hopeful. 

​You make me feel hopeless. 

I want to get you a gift for your birthday,

and to celebrate valentines day with you. 

I want to go to prom, 

and celebrate our first anniversary together.

I plan to see the world with you. 

I look forward to staying up late talking, 

and getting coffee together. 

I can't wait for the adventures to come. 

 

Though a low thought hangs over my head, 

the doubt, the nervousness, the fear. 

I'm scared to want anything from you, I'm afraid to set expectations. 

I don't want to be alone. 

I want to grow with you, and flourish with you. 

But only if you'll let me. 


I am in pain, please be patient with me. 

 

my poetry compilation⇊

 

https://www.myproana...ry-compilation/


#45 derealination

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Posted 28 December 2018 - 02:32 AM

(walking home in the rain)

 

The music is just a little too quiet. 

The room is just a little too dark. 

I am just a unhappy person, 

I can't let myself be happy and enjoy things. 

I let myself roll in my worst memories, 

my most dreaded dreams. 

Never letting myself blame, 

because it always comes back to me.

I destroy my sunny cove, 

forgetting the clouds I used to rest on. 

 

Hiding my face,

I don't want you to see me smile.

I don't want you to see me cry, really cry.  

Silence is always my first choice, 

especially when you say nice things to me. 

I say nothing at all, 

You think I like hearing what you have to say. 

You think I agree with you. 

I just don't want to be irritating and argue with you. 

Forever appearing insatiable. 

It hurts me to hear you say I'm beautiful, or smart, or kind. 

The weight of expectations on my shoulders, 

I'm scared you're gonna change your mind. 

Scared your vision will clear and you'll truly see me. 


I am in pain, please be patient with me. 

 

my poetry compilation⇊

 

https://www.myproana...ry-compilation/


#46 derealination

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Posted 28 December 2018 - 03:32 AM

(diascae)

 

"I was barely a teenager the first time I tried to kill myself. 

If I knew then what I know now, well..

It probably wouldn't have changed very much. 

And it probably wouldn't have changed very much

because sometimes it doesn't matter what you know when 

what you feel just takes over."

 

Sitting in front of your laptop, 

holding your phone in front of your face.

Peering deep inside to a familiar image. 

You surely desire to look around and explore.

Theres a whole other world there, just waiting to be found.  

If only you could be there now. 

You try to move forward but you stay still. 

The people inside watch you, 

you want to say something, but you stay silent. 

You realize the picture is closer than you thought. 

You fall through, breaking the still life inside. 

Reality continues. 

 

"I remember I was wondering the empty streets of my home town.

I was alone this time, unlike that other time...

and its because I wanted to die alone."

-Mark Henick (quoted)


I am in pain, please be patient with me. 

 

my poetry compilation⇊

 

https://www.myproana...ry-compilation/


#47 derealination

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Posted 31 December 2018 - 04:31 AM

(midnight)  

 

From one day to the next.

I feel like I've finally broken through. 

I realize where my head has been, 

I remember the many places I've left it.

Kissing your forehead, saying goodbye. 

I wrap my arms around you one last time. 

This doesn't have to be forever.

I'll see you again one day, 

not here. 

But in a beautiful place. 

Where the sun doesn't have to set, 

and we can lay in the field for the eternity of this moment.

Looking into your glassy eyes, 

I push through into a deeper place. 

I see your childhood,  

your favorite memories of you and your mom. 

I see your dad there, and your brother too. 

Things could've been so wonderful, 

but life can't be fair. 

You're there alone in your heart, 

but not forever. 

Someday I'll find my place there too


  • mariannedashwood likes this

I am in pain, please be patient with me. 

 

my poetry compilation⇊

 

https://www.myproana...ry-compilation/


#48 derealination

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Posted 31 December 2018 - 06:35 PM

(hidden in the mountains)

 

The river is cold, 

and your blanket is wet. 

We walk until we can't walk anymore. 

I lay you down in the freezing water, 

your shock doesn't last long. 

Soon your breathing slows and you begin to rest your eyes. 

I know you're tired. 

I hold you up under the water and watch your chest raise... and fall. 

Everything will be okay, 

I have to remind myself. 

The sky is grey, and theres a heavy fog in the trees. 

Soon night will fall and our day will end. 

It's time to sleep. 


I am in pain, please be patient with me. 

 

my poetry compilation⇊

 

https://www.myproana...ry-compilation/


#49 derealination

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Posted 08 January 2019 - 04:33 AM

(like kids again)

 

Theres something sticky on the back of my head. 

It feels cold, dripping down my neck.

I'm sitting on the swing set, and you're sitting on the gravel.

We're watching each other as if we're waiting for a response. 

Though nothing is said. 

Suddenly I feel a drop in my stomach and my mouth begins to water. 

Behind me is a tall man, I can sense his presence.

I turn around to get a look at him. 

He's standing further away than I had thought.

But he's watching us. 

"Do you see him?"

You're gone and he is too.

Without warning I'm standing alone in the forest.

Instinctively I start walking.

Soon I emerge from behind the apartment buildings, a trail besides me all along.

You're sitting in your running car, waiting for me. 

I know you're waiting for me,

but I need to go home.

My hair is wet.

I have to go home.


I am in pain, please be patient with me. 

 

my poetry compilation⇊

 

https://www.myproana...ry-compilation/


#50 derealination

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Posted 10 January 2019 - 01:58 AM

(parking lot)

 

When I look at you laying there in your own blood, 

I wonder where you are now. 

Who knows where he is now. 

Your skin is pale, 

red is still spilling from your skull. 

You're getting cold,

you seem frozen in time.

I lay down besides you and look into your empty eyes.

Your lips are bright like twilight. 

I'll hold your hand until the police come, 

then I'll have to go home. 

I'll be the one to worry about being forgotten. 

I know you have everything you've ever wanted now. 

I was hoping the you'd want me more. 


I am in pain, please be patient with me. 

 

my poetry compilation⇊

 

https://www.myproana...ry-compilation/


#51 derealination

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Posted 12 January 2019 - 05:56 AM

(admission fee) 

 

Don't let others influence your thoughts. 

Completely independent. 

Strictly observing. 

I feel my throat closing.

My hands feel stiff, 

my fingers won't bend, 

they'll break.

If the emotional pressure held physical weight,

It would crush my skull.

 

Standing in front of the window on the top floor, watching the road below. 

Want to be free... physically, and mentally.

Why am I here?

Why am I like this. 

Why did this happen?

Why? Why? Why?

I feel as if my reality crumbled,

completely wiped away by my own hand. 

 

Sitting in front of my window thinking of rolling green hills and small blonde deer. 

Dreaming of hiding away in the mountains. 

No medication, no tests, no doctors. 

Laying on your examination table, slowly drifting off to sleep.

I see you in the corner of my eye, you turn off every light but the lamp.

Everything is quiet.

 

Laying in bed, staring at the old tv secured to the ceiling. 

I don't want dinner tonight.

A soft shadow rolls under the curtains, I'll keep waiting for you.

I know you'll come see me.

You can stay for as long as you want.

Stay close please.

I wait for the shadows to slowly disappear before I get up.

Looking around the corner and down the hall,

I'm struck with awe.

Glowing and blinking, beautiful city lights.

Cautiously I sneak to the end of the hall.

Another window, I have to see.

Unforgettable happiness. 


I am in pain, please be patient with me. 

 

my poetry compilation⇊

 

https://www.myproana...ry-compilation/


#52 derealination

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Posted 13 January 2019 - 06:07 AM

(Cold and Quiet)

 

You lift yourself up from the waist.

The nurses brought you an extra blanket but you don't feel the difference. 

You're shaking, and you will be for the rest of the night.

You know I'm lonely, but that doesn't change anything.

I can tell you again, if you'd like.

Maybe then you'd feel as thought you were doing something for me. 

I'd like to dream someone could help me. 

Life is sad and morbid.

Emptiness is heavy, the memories are heavier. 

You'll never truly understand, 

but thats okay, I wouldn't want you to.

When the clouds clear and I can see the white mountains, 

I remember why I live the way I do


I am in pain, please be patient with me. 

 

my poetry compilation⇊

 

https://www.myproana...ry-compilation/


#53 derealination

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Posted 29 January 2019 - 02:18 AM

(unresponsive) 

 

I don't break like I used to. 

I don't fall apart like I used to.

I don't feel anything at all.

Old memories, therapist appointments, 

big family changes and limited feelings. 

I don't feel much.

So much has happened this week and it strikes nothing in me. 

My peace has been torn apart and threatened,

I have done nothing to defend it. 

I feel I don't have to.


I am in pain, please be patient with me. 

 

my poetry compilation⇊

 

https://www.myproana...ry-compilation/


#54 derealination

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Posted 01 February 2019 - 12:06 AM

(lean back)

 

My future, my very presence is flowing through me and out onto itself. 

A beautiful sunny day in an unfamiliar town, everyone is out and about. 

Eyes fixated on reflections and easily caught on pedestrian faces. 

You can sit and watch your windows all day. 

Look for meaning in passing cars and swaying trees. 

Don't forget to feed your animals,

and turn on some lights in the evening so your neighbors know you're home. 


  • astral.crazy likes this

I am in pain, please be patient with me. 

 

my poetry compilation⇊

 

https://www.myproana...ry-compilation/


#55 derealination

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Posted 12 February 2019 - 09:39 PM

(Love of my life)

 

There isn't much for me to say, that I haven't already said. 

There is so much to say, words you've never heard from me. 

One day it will all come pouring out while I'm tucked in your arms. 

Don't be mislead, I want to share my whole life with you. 

But I realize I can't now, As I haven't shared it with anyone, not even myself. 

I haven't a clue who I am, and I'm aware that I may not find out in this life time. 

But what I do know, is that I have loved you with my whole heart,

and wish to continue doing so for the rest of my time on this crumbling earth. 


I am in pain, please be patient with me. 

 

my poetry compilation⇊

 

https://www.myproana...ry-compilation/


#56 derealination

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Posted 13 February 2019 - 12:59 AM

(Deeper into your hands)

 

A lot of the time things feel strange and unreal. 

When you truly look into the depth of those words, you gain feeling. 

Then my feelings don't seem as flat. 

The world in front of me often feels mysterious, suspicious, questionable. 

This world sits in the bowl of vision that I hold in my lap, it feels imaginary, nonexistent, and false. 

Once I ponder on it for a moment, I'm met with a choice of whether to hold on or to let go. 

The decision is always made in an instant.  

​And it always feels wrong. 


  • astral.crazy likes this

I am in pain, please be patient with me. 

 

my poetry compilation⇊

 

https://www.myproana...ry-compilation/


#57 derealination

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Posted 25 February 2019 - 12:27 AM

(defending my borders)

 

I have plenty I want to say to you, I have so much I want to explain and expand on. 

Most things haven't nearly reached their end, most things haven't even been able to begin. 

I know you say we have plenty of time, but this is something I would like for you to know now.  

Some days are harder than others, and although I am getting treatment for all that ails me, these things take time and effort. 

I am willing to work hard to not only maintain, but to grow our love and friendship, which is why I am talking to you now. 

It meant so much to me that you said that thing last night, It made me melt.

I want to show you I care and I want the best for us, you mean so much to me. 

 

Frequently I move with strong impulses, aggression, and delusions. 

When you told me you were drinking alone at your house, I immediately felt betrayed. 

I shut down and turned off the conversation, making you feel criminal for no reason. 

I proceeded to recall of everything that has ever annoyed me and made me angry, things that had nothing to do with you. 

Then felt justified and decided I'd try to go back to sleep. 

Thirty minutes later I felt a rush of guilt and immediately regretted my actions and feelings. 

I understand that what I am doing is absolutely toxic, and unhealthy.

But I know you justify my actions too, you don't want to believe I would do anything wrong to you. 

 

I am not perfect, I have issues, and I make mistakes and sometimes I will repeat them. 

Not because I wish to create problems, but because thats just how people are.

I want to show you I feel the same way about you.

I want you to know that I am not angry at you for anything, I am not holding any grudges.

I have forgiven you for everything, from being a few minutes late to that one night things came undone. 

Still though, I am ashamed of myself, and rightfully so. 

 

Because I have not correctly expressed my feelings about this,

it is clear that you're scared to come and talk to me about things that make you feel unsure. 

Never would I want you to misunderstand me, you have your freedom, and you can do as you like. 

You don't have to come to me to ask for permission for anything, trust your own moral compass.

When mistakes are made, I don't want you to try and hide them, I want you to come to me so we can talk about it.

But I realize I haven't been the most welcoming recently.

 

A true promise I have made to myself, I will never allow myself to use my mental illness as an excuse for my actions.  

I take full accountability of the decisions I make, the words I say, and things I feel. 

I have BPD, I was recently diagnosed. 

The symptoms of this disorder have been particularly prominent in my life this last month. 

Regularly I feel betrayed, ignored and lied to, then I feel full of love, trust and forgiveness. 

But because I know these are irrational and fleeting thoughts and feelings I don't bring them up, I'd rather forget about them. 

I know that I may be able to forget about them as soon as they're over 15 minutes later, but I realize its not so easy for those around me. 

Its confusing, misleading and can create distance and trust issues in my relationships. 

I don't want to bury these moments, because all it does is hurt the ones I love. 

 

Though the problem is that even though I know this is a sickness, everything feels so real I don't know what to follow and believe. 

Thats where my delusions come in, and often take over, throwing out logic and reason. 

"I must feel this way for a reason right? Shouldn't I trust my instincts?" 

Again I try to justify these feelings, saying "I know myself best. I know why I feel this way. This person has done me wrong."

I don't want to feel this way, I love you so much, I never want to hurt you and make feel like a bad person. 

You're so sweet to me, you're patient and forgiving and you always do your best to understand. 

You're my best friend, and my love. I absolutely want to be close to you, and I want you to feel close to me as well. 

That's always been a dream for me, being known and knowing someone inside and out. 

I want to share with you what I am dealing with, so you and I both have some sense of comfort knowing these feelings aren't in my heart. 

I want them to be viewed as merely a fleeting thought, a empty feeling, and a unmemorable memory. 

But where is the line drawn? Where do we begin to take my feelings seriously? 

How do you know when I am deeply upset or hurt? 

How do you know when to feel worried about a read message, or a silent car ride? 

My biggest fear is that soon you'll begin to feel this is all too much, and not worth all the effort and stress. 

That you're better off without me. 

I try not to think about it too much. 


I am in pain, please be patient with me. 

 

my poetry compilation⇊

 

https://www.myproana...ry-compilation/


#58 derealination

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Posted 26 February 2019 - 10:14 PM

(abandoned garden)

 

I feel like I'm finally beginning to worry about myself. 

Somethings are starting to surprise and frighten me. 

Its not just pretend anymore, my nightmares are becoming reality. 

All that I could imagine to be worrying or unsettling... I am slowly becoming.

Evenings spent thrashing, voices wake me in the quiet hours of the night.

My eyes seem to dim the angrier I get, moments forgotten, time is slowly lost.

I regret acting out, I don't understand why I react the way I do. 

It isn't until after I've stepped away from a situation that I being to evaluate what I was feeling, and why I was feeling it. 

I have always seemed like a different person when I feel I've been threatened. 

Then after I calm down I realize what a stupid mistake I've made. 

How could I have so much rage inside me that I can't contain myself even for a second, 

risking my reputation with all those I love and respect?

Why can't I hold on in that moment and open my eyes to see whats really important?

What is happening to me? 

All that I've planted is beginning to grow. 


I am in pain, please be patient with me. 

 

my poetry compilation⇊

 

https://www.myproana...ry-compilation/


#59 derealination

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Posted 09 March 2019 - 07:57 PM

(echo)

 

I know you're lonely, 

I know your apartment is empty. 

You walk the cold streets to work everyday, 

you'd like to see a friend. 

But the world isn't friendly is it. 


I am in pain, please be patient with me. 

 

my poetry compilation⇊

 

https://www.myproana...ry-compilation/


#60 derealination

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Posted 30 September 2019 - 08:26 PM

(Have you seen the rain?)

 

There was a night that I so vaguely remember. 

It felt like just you and I in this dark world. 

Like we woke up and everyone had disappeared, 

​and we were just eustatic to had been left behind.

I was barefoot, in my favorite dress, and you didn't have a coat on. 

 

We took turns pushing each other up your driveway in your grandmother's old wheelchair.

We laughed and screamed as we flew down to the gravel road.

​It was twilight, and there was a soft mist in the air. 

The tall grass blowing in the wind, the waves crashing against the rocks down below.

​I remember looking up at your rickety house and seeing the orange glow of your bedroom through your window.

We went inside, the kitchen was messy, and lit with a faint yellow lightbulb. 

While I was getting a drink of water, 

you went into your brother's empty bedroom. 

You came out from the dark hallway with your halloween mask on to scare me. 

As I turned around you grabbed me. 

I couldn't help but to laugh because I heard you coming, and saw your reflection on my glass.

​You took it off and kissed me so gently.

We went upstairs and your bedroom was warmer than usual, 

​you brought blankets upstairs for me as well.

​We laid in bed ready to finish another Harry Potter. 

Afterwards, ​I remember making a small blanket tent on your floor, you and I sitting in it. 

We talked for what felt like an eternity. 

It was a day lost in time. 


I am in pain, please be patient with me. 

 

my poetry compilation⇊

 

https://www.myproana...ry-compilation/




Also tagged with one or more of these keywords: poetry, writing, mental illness, borderline, hallucinations, BPD, DRD, DPD, trauma, CSA

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