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Tears of Anger of Rage (Poetry Compilation)

poetry writing mental illness borderline hallucinations BPD DRD DPD trauma CSA

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#61 derealination

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Posted 30 September 2019 - 09:36 PM

(Vanilla Cappuccino) 

 

A million people, a million faces, a million personalities.

Billions of problems. 

 

When you walk down Times Square and see the crowds, the cabs, all the lights and the buildings towering over your head,

what emotion does it flare in you? 

Do you feel as if you were struck with lightening, making you feel like someone? 

Or does it do the opposite? 

Does your collar feel a little tight, do you feel quite small? 

 

When you take off your back pack and drop it on your bedroom floor after the last grueling flight, 

​aren't you glad to be home? Still though, each flight was worth it, and you feel a little more alive than you did last weekend.

Life is made up of small moments, beautiful sights, thoughtful words and a comforting touch. 

Everything else between is just what it is to be imperfect. 

​The violence, the famine, wars, prejudice, and greed build the world that takes from us.

 

I can sit here and drink an 8$ coffee, 

contemplate life and make excuses for my procrastination for hours if I liked. 

My world is slow, and quite small.

Though, when looking back on what Ive seen so far,

Splitting it between positve and negative, 

nothing can outweigh the pain in the big picture. 

But from day to day, a warm cup of caffeine sure as hell does the trick.

 

We can send a sweet card, or stop when someone needs to cross the road, we can say please and thank you, 

or just a simple hello to a stranger. 

Your world is dark, and I know you feel alone. 

But doesn't a small act of kindness from a stranger make a difference? 

 

We are all trying to make our way through life. 


I am in pain, please be patient with me. 

 

my poetry compilation⇊

 

https://www.myproana...ry-compilation/


#62 derealination

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Posted 03 June 2020 - 03:16 PM

​(There Is More To It Than You Think)

 

Morning passes. 

It is the same everyday, creating an endless loop of habits that help me to function. 

I often wonder what life would be like if I had to rely on my conscious mind. 

What would my mornings look like then? 

What would I do with the extra time I spent staring into the looking glass, 

wishing I wasn't me?

How many breaths would I take before I grew too tired to take another? 

 

I laid in best last night planning my day today. 

'This will be perfect, I will look beautiful tomorrow, 

​I won't eat too much, 

no, I won't even think of food.'

I trick myself into feeling productive, I think I am safe, getting back on track, 

​but a plan is useless if you don't do anything with it. 

 

This morning was the same as everyday, 

I had coffee, I forgot to measure. 

So why would I measure my breakfast If I didn't do the same for my coffee?

It is a weak excuse to over indulge and remain safe in my comfort zone. 

 

Because I am now a failure for my coffee, and breakfast, 

why should I care for myself in any other way? 

Dont I hate myself? 

​Don't I hate my comfort zone? 

Dont I miss being in control? 

I can't seem to escape the endless loop of habits that destroy me.

 

​Morning passes, 

a new plan tonight. 


I am in pain, please be patient with me. 

 

my poetry compilation⇊

 

https://www.myproana...ry-compilation/


#63 derealination

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Posted 17 June 2020 - 05:33 PM

(May, 23rd, 2020, 5:50pm) 

 
I am here once again, just hoping someone will pop out of nowhere and solve all my problems. 
They’ll be kind, spiritual, sentimental, and lust for adventure just as I do. 
We’ll race through town together, I’ll finally smile again, I’ll finally be happy again. 
When my parents meet them, they’ll be proud of me, and we’ll have a beautiful marriage. 
I’ll have someone to talk to that understands, and can show me empathy. 
I am so lonely, I feel like its impossible for me to make a connection to another soul. 
I feel so fucked up. 
My conscious is screaming at me, my heart is tired. 
I feel homesick, I feel like something isn’t right. 
I can barely hold on to each moment, I try to find some explanation as to why. 
Did I take something? Am I around a scentless gas? Whats wrong with me? 
I feel scared. 

I am in pain, please be patient with me. 

 

my poetry compilation⇊

 

https://www.myproana...ry-compilation/


#64 derealination

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Posted 17 June 2020 - 05:35 PM

 (Potted plant) 

 
Time stands still. 
The wind outside is blowing on this gray afternoon. 
The trees sway and the birds circle above.
I often wish for freedom, but times like these remind me why I should be thankful for my position in life. 
I should be grateful, the sun shines, my feet are dipped in the moist dirt just how I like it. 
Although I wonder what it is to be connected to the earth, to shake the hands of those around me. 
How would it feel to catch the shade of a fawn resting in the field, 
Or to drink the dew drops from the whipped clouds above?
I was raised up in these cradled hands of clay, I have known nothing else.
Oh, but what joy it is to dream.

I am in pain, please be patient with me. 

 

my poetry compilation⇊

 

https://www.myproana...ry-compilation/


#65 derealination

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Posted 20 June 2020 - 11:16 PM

(May, 22nd, 2020, 12:56pm) 

 
I feel like I want to pull the plug and drain my mind of all its creative juices. 
Sometimes my head feels so full I wonder where I’m at in reality, feeling otherworldly.
Ive held everything in due to the misconception that I needed motivation to make something truly incredible. 
I realized I just need to sit down with a medium in hand to give the universe its chance to create along with me, 
Then truly incredible things can happen. 
 
There is a disconnect between what I want for myself, and what I think I deserve. 
My mind condemns me, the desires of my heart plague me.
They seem to be the only parts of me that can get any stronger. 
As I pull up deep roots I leave behind empty spaces. 
The small withered leaves of my good intentions never find a time to heal. 
 
I can’t find the energy to catch up, to improve, to examine myself. 

I am in pain, please be patient with me. 

 

my poetry compilation⇊

 

https://www.myproana...ry-compilation/




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