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Anorexic disordered thinking vs my Muscle Dysmorphia vs my fear of certain bad foods


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#21 chocolatewaif

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Posted 17 December 2019 - 01:31 PM

 I have that same dilemma, I love training and working out, but my goal is to be very slim. Overall I do feel like I'm going in the right direction for my goals. At the same time I do have moments when I feel like my arms look too muscular as opposed to lean or its hard to determine what's muscle and what's fat. 

 

My aim is to be more lean than jacked. I'm fortunately a mesomorph so I can gain and lose fat/muscle whenever I please, but the fact that I vacillate so much probably has my body hating me. When at the gym I struggle over whether I should be lifting heavy to build muscle or do light weights with high reps to tone. I currently do a combination of both depending on my mood, I try to limit myself to one move with heavy weights per workout and the rest are medium to light or no resistance. And I'm finally overcoming my fear of cardio, which developed after I had a pretty intense over exercising point a few years back, which was a very rough time for me. I enjoy cardio a lot but its just reminding myself that I don't have to over do it. 

 

There's a woman I follow on YouTube, her name is Stephanie Buttermore. She got extremely lean with a training routine, instead of skin and bone she was literally skin and muscle at her leanest. But she honestly kind of looked just as emaciated at as an Anorexic. I put a link to channel below. You can see from the preview images what I mean. 

 

I started watching her because she's done these epic cheat day videos and it was very fascinating watching such a small woman put away that much food. But she has since "gone all in" to address her extreme hunger and she's gained a ton of weight on her journey, which is great for her because she has a different goal now. But a lot of her earlier videos are very inspiring to me. 

 

https://www.youtube....mCX5Lyuw/videos


I wanna be special. So fucking special.

 

Height: 5'5"

 

Current: 121.5 | Start: 142 | Goal: 120 Ultimate: 110
 

#22 extrasmoothtoiletpaper

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Posted 17 December 2019 - 06:39 PM

 I have that same dilemma, I love training and working out, but my goal is to be very slim. Overall I do feel like I'm going in the right direction for my goals. At the same time I do have moments when I feel like my arms look too muscular as opposed to lean or its hard to determine what's muscle and what's fat. 

 

My aim is to be more lean than jacked. I'm fortunately a mesomorph so I can gain and lose fat/muscle whenever I please, but the fact that I vacillate so much probably has my body hating me. When at the gym I struggle over whether I should be lifting heavy to build muscle or do light weights with high reps to tone. I currently do a combination of both depending on my mood, I try to limit myself to one move with heavy weights per workout and the rest are medium to light or no resistance. And I'm finally overcoming my fear of cardio, which developed after I had a pretty intense over exercising point a few years back, which was a very rough time for me. I enjoy cardio a lot but its just reminding myself that I don't have to over do it. 

 

There's a woman I follow on YouTube, her name is Stephanie Buttermore. She got extremely lean with a training routine, instead of skin and bone she was literally skin and muscle at her leanest. But she honestly kind of looked just as emaciated at as an Anorexic. I put a link to channel below. You can see from the preview images what I mean. 

 

I started watching her because she's done these epic cheat day videos and it was very fascinating watching such a small woman put away that much food. But she has since "gone all in" to address her extreme hunger and she's gained a ton of weight on her journey, which is great for her because she has a different goal now. But a lot of her earlier videos are very inspiring to me. 

 

https://www.youtube....mCX5Lyuw/videos

She's going thru eating disorder recovery and basically refusing to admit she ever had one. She also lies about how much weight she's gained (and lied about how much she was eating before) and has contradicted herself at least twice by my count regarding her weight gain. I do not support her "journey" at all. All she's done is trade in restricting for overeating and her constant need for validation irritates me to no end. This whole thing is just fake. Also I don't know what her goals are at this point because bodybuilding seems pointless due to its aesthetic nature. Why doesn't she do things for fun? Take up a sport, do yoga, something unrelated to her appearance. This whole process is to move away from appearance and yet she's still sporting ill-fitting too-tight clothes that give her cameltoes and thirsty tiny bikini pics on her instagram, probably with the plan that this weight will all magically come off while she still eats way over maintenance. My guess is she goes back to restricting after she becomes obese which is literally 2 BMI points away judging from a visual perspective. And then say she just "naturally" lost the weight. Her food issues run deep.

 

Sorry to get sidetracked. She just really bugs me and I see her as a huge fraud.


Pre-ED weight: 110 (21.2)

HW: 147 (28.4)

LW: 83 (16.0)

 

GW1: 101 (19.5) reached

GW2: 99 (19.1) reached

UGW:  97 (18.7)

 

BMIs calculated using new BMI calculator

 

giphy.gif


#23 chocolatewaif

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Posted 20 December 2019 - 11:57 AM

She's going thru eating disorder recovery and basically refusing to admit she ever had one. She also lies about how much weight she's gained (and lied about how much she was eating before) and has contradicted herself at least twice by my count regarding her weight gain. I do not support her "journey" at all. All she's done is trade in restricting for overeating and her constant need for validation irritates me to no end. This whole thing is just fake. Also I don't know what her goals are at this point because bodybuilding seems pointless due to its aesthetic nature. Why doesn't she do things for fun? Take up a sport, do yoga, something unrelated to her appearance. This whole process is to move away from appearance and yet she's still sporting ill-fitting too-tight clothes that give her cameltoes and thirsty tiny bikini pics on her instagram, probably with the plan that this weight will all magically come off while she still eats way over maintenance. My guess is she goes back to restricting after she becomes obese which is literally 2 BMI points away judging from a visual perspective. And then say she just "naturally" lost the weight. Her food issues run deep.

 

Sorry to get sidetracked. She just really bugs me and I see her as a huge fraud.

 

I'm not really that invested in her journey to like or dislike her. I just shared for OP because I do know she has extreme eating patterns and I personally get the thin goal while still loving training mindset. 

 

If she's lying about her ED how is she any different than the rest of us? I don't judge like that.

 

You don't have to be ripped to maintain a body building routine. Plus that is what a lot of body builders do anyway - train hard and restrict to reach their goals and rebound during their off season. Very few actually maintain their goal physique year round. 


I wanna be special. So fucking special.

 

Height: 5'5"

 

Current: 121.5 | Start: 142 | Goal: 120 Ultimate: 110
 

#24 extrasmoothtoiletpaper

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Posted 20 December 2019 - 07:47 PM

I'm not really that invested in her journey to like or dislike her. I just shared for OP because I do know she has extreme eating patterns and I personally get the thin goal while still loving training mindset. 

 

If she's lying about her ED how is she any different than the rest of us? I don't judge like that.

 

You don't have to be ripped to maintain a body building routine. Plus that is what a lot of body builders do anyway - train hard and restrict to reach their goals and rebound during their off season. Very few actually maintain their goal physique year round. 

It's different because she has a fanbase of young girls who follow her and she is being dishonest and pretending this whole charade is normal. Girls are following her lead and "going all in" like her.

 

She doesn't have to be ripped year round and she doesn't have to be overweight either, those aren't the two choices available.


Pre-ED weight: 110 (21.2)

HW: 147 (28.4)

LW: 83 (16.0)

 

GW1: 101 (19.5) reached

GW2: 99 (19.1) reached

UGW:  97 (18.7)

 

BMIs calculated using new BMI calculator

 

giphy.gif


#25 kky

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Posted 23 December 2019 - 09:58 PM

She's going thru eating disorder recovery and basically refusing to admit she ever had one. She also lies about how much weight she's gained (and lied about how much she was eating before) and has contradicted herself at least twice by my count regarding her weight gain. I do not support her "journey" at all. All she's done is trade in restricting for overeating and her constant need for validation irritates me to no end. This whole thing is just fake. Also I don't know what her goals are at this point because bodybuilding seems pointless due to its aesthetic nature. Why doesn't she do things for fun? Take up a sport, do yoga, something unrelated to her appearance. This whole process is to move away from appearance and yet she's still sporting ill-fitting too-tight clothes that give her cameltoes and thirsty tiny bikini pics on her instagram, probably with the plan that this weight will all magically come off while she still eats way over maintenance. My guess is she goes back to restricting after she becomes obese which is literally 2 BMI points away judging from a visual perspective. And then say she just "naturally" lost the weight. Her food issues run deep.

 

Sorry to get sidetracked. She just really bugs me and I see her as a huge fraud.

 

 

I'm not really that invested in her journey to like or dislike her. I just shared for OP because I do know she has extreme eating patterns and I personally get the thin goal while still loving training mindset. 

 

If she's lying about her ED how is she any different than the rest of us? I don't judge like that.

 

You don't have to be ripped to maintain a body building routine. Plus that is what a lot of body builders do anyway - train hard and restrict to reach their goals and rebound during their off season. Very few actually maintain their goal physique year round. 

 

 

i saw like one or two of her video before. i wont be very certain shes lying (maybe she isnt aware she may have an ED or smth since she backs her diet up with science) but i admit its kinda.... ED tendencies. Isnt a major characteristic of most disorder is taking everything to the extreme/not knowing moderation? Yeah i do see her being restrictive (like bodybuilder restrictive) and then now its kinda a bit like...binge eating but idk her personally so idk if she links eating with emotions.


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#26 chocolatewaif

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Posted 24 December 2019 - 01:31 PM

i saw like one or two of her video before. i wont be very certain shes lying (maybe she isnt aware she may have an ED or smth since she backs her diet up with science) but i admit its kinda.... ED tendencies. Isnt a major characteristic of most disorder is taking everything to the extreme/not knowing moderation? Yeah i do see her being restrictive (like bodybuilder restrictive) and then now its kinda a bit like...binge eating but idk her personally so idk if she links eating with emotions.

 

Yeah, I definitely agree. I couldn't say she full out has an ED or that she knows what she's doing is borderline ED. For me her lean physique just shows you can get small and still have muscle. 


I wanna be special. So fucking special.

 

Height: 5'5"

 

Current: 121.5 | Start: 142 | Goal: 120 Ultimate: 110
 

#27 chocolatewaif

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Posted 24 December 2019 - 01:48 PM

It's different because she has a fanbase of young girls who follow her and she is being dishonest and pretending this whole charade is normal. Girls are following her lead and "going all in" like her.

 

She doesn't have to be ripped year round and she doesn't have to be overweight either, those aren't the two choices available.

 

Her having a fanbase does not negate her from being human and having struggles. So much for compassion. You're really mad at this woman for gaining weight and doing what she thinks is best for her body? She has said in her videos that she is not expecting or encouraging anyone to do what she's doing. So if people follow her lead, that's honestly on them.

 

"Fan base of young girls" is such a lame excuse. Is she their mother? No. None of us are blaming the women in the images in the hundreds of thinpso threads in this forum for our EDs and say it's stupid when other people do it. 

 

I'm no super fan of hers but you don't have to have a full blown ED to have issues with food or to be mentally affected by weight loss or weight gain in a similar way to an ED.

 

If that's you attitude, by all means, to go the EDNOS or Starting at a higher BMI forums and tell people "they don't have to be overweight."


I wanna be special. So fucking special.

 

Height: 5'5"

 

Current: 121.5 | Start: 142 | Goal: 120 Ultimate: 110
 

#28 runningwithyou

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Posted 31 December 2019 - 08:46 AM

Yeah, I definitely agree. I couldn't say she full out has an ED or that she knows what she's doing is borderline ED. For me her lean physique just shows you can get small and still have muscle.

I randomly found some of her videos in the past and thought she was fine, and she became good inspiration that you could go to the gym, get toned and lean, and still be pretty small. I actually really like her recent videos, even though get "all in" approach terrifies me.

Almost everyone I see talk about her on here is convinced she had/has an ED and very much seems to be looking at her through an ED mindset (which 100% makes sense given what site we're on haha), but I think that's more projection if you actually watch all her videos. She definitely had disordered eating, but she never seemed to have a mental dependency on eating/not eating and her cheat day videos only started when that 10,000 calorie challenge was a thing and hers got a ton of views. She honestly just seemed really hungry to me because she was consistently semi-starving herself and realized "tiny girl eating a lot" = a lot of views. I think it's great she broke away from that and did what she thought was best for her health wise (regardless of if she's right or not about the approach).

Now in her all in videos, figure wise, she has somewhat become what I'm terrified what I look like with muscle under fat making me look bigger. While I think she looks so much better and happier than she did when she was really tiny, my brain just latches on to the fact that even if I can recognize I looked lean in the past, I could always have gained fat by now and just be a blob with no muscle.

~Every step takes me closer to my goal~

173 cm (5'8")

91-67-101cm/35.8-26.4-39.8in

HW: 82 kg (181 lbs)   LW: 57.5 kg (127 lbs)



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